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There can be a lot of internal conflict and grief about what you SHOULD be doing and what you actually are doing. Where you SHOULD be in life, and where you are. If you are someone who wants to have it all but barely has some, you might secretly harbor thoughts that “because you are the way you are”, things can’t happen for you the way they fall cinematically into place for - say - Madonna (which, by the way, is only your perception from the outside looking in).
But consider this.
Have you ever considered the possibility that a good lot of the way you behave, the things you can or cannot do, your success, the amount of people who know who you are, your level of happiness all depended on your sense of identity?
Think of it like this. You think of yourself as an upstanding citizen. To maintain that identity, you pay your taxes (…right?), you work or go to school or are “in between” instead of announcing “I am decidedly doing nothing with myself for the rest of my life”, you don’t walk around punching people in the face for sport, and you maintain some semblance of social decency. Suppose you didn’t think of yourself as an upstanding citizen but rather a common criminal at heart. You throw your hands up because at least you’re real, and you proclaim “This is ME. This is who I am. That’s just the way it is.” And with that, your standards of living are somewhat different. In line with the criminal mindset, stealing is just a way of life, you don’t worry about upsetting Uncle Sam, you live with society’s perception of you without losing any sleep about how to change it anymore, and yes - you’ll punch a face or two because you’re bad like that.
IDENTITY is so important in our world. When you think of someone in a position of great authority, there is the reasonable assumption that this person has the traits of a leader which include a strong sense of self, an ability to influence, virtuous (to those who chose that person), and capable. We expect to see strength in our leaders. They will surely end up on the evening news (with HD to boot) if they partake in behavior that conflict with the traits that a leader is supposed to have. Take an Olympic athlete - a star in her own right. She radiates personal strength, vigor, focus, determination. If that same Olympic athlete is caught with drugs to help her performance, God help her. The same flashing lights that were used to light moments to capture her image for praise will be the same to expose her dirty deeds and “expose her weakness and true self”. She will be shoved off of a pedestal and most likely penalized.
No wonder there is that fear - or terror - of success. Who wants that kind of pressure?
More importantly - why do you think there will definitely a struggle to live up to a certain title? Is it because it conflicts with who you really are?
Let Me See Your ID
I strongly encourage you to take part of these exercises that I found in Anthony Robbins’ book *Awaken the Giant Within. He asks his readers to write a description of themselves under the title I Am.
I Am…In which you write in as much detail as you can muster about the person you currently are. Let it out, people. Let it all out. Write the good, the bad. The savory and .. not so much. Two words are just as meaningful as 20 pages if that’s really all you’ve got. But mostly likely, you’ve got folds to unfolds, details to uncover. It’s a snapshot. A process. It requires that honesty with self that I like to encourage. The important thing is while you are are doing this excercise, you are in a safe, calm, relaxed environment and state of mind. You are not to succumb to the pressures of what you ought to see on that page but rather, what it is.
Another exercise would be your dictionary definition. If someone were to look your name up in the dictionary, what would they read? What are the words that describe the real meaning of you?
Last but not least, an exercise entitled your ID Card in which you share the things that you would like to share on a ‘card’ that explains you to anyone who see it. What would you leave out? What would you display? Would you add a picture? What would it look like? Would you have a long list of titles and accomplishments to share? Would you define yourself as the roles you play in your family life?
If you find a degree of real discomfort, uneasiness, or unhappiness at what you are looking at, I encourage you to recognize that you’re actually in a good place. You’re “looking yourself in the eye” so to speak. Plus - there is excellent news that resonates in the following quote:
“Whatever you call your identity is simply what you’ve decided to identify with, and [that] in a moment you could change it all.
…In fact, after looking at how identities evolve, you’ll have an opportunity to expand your identity, and therefore your entire life” –Anthony Robbins
Scratch That: The Redefinition of You
This is your life and you have the marvelous opportunity to take a stab at reinventing yourself and creating a very necessary shift on how you see yourself. Why live in the realm where not only life ‘happens’ to you, your personality, your abilities, your happiness, your drive ‘happens’ to you too?
You may not know where any of the roads of life lead but you definitely choose how you travel. You choose to drag yourself though the mud of fly high. You choose to see the ditch or the opportunities that burst in anticipation on the other side of that ditch. You choose to look down or to look ahead at a vast horizon - the possibilities of life.
With choices like that, you’ve gotta know you choose the hat you choose to wear too! So if it is your sincere desire to be seen as a loving person, a respectable member of society, part of the elite, whatever it is you can conjure up that sends your heart into a pretty pitter patter - make it your business to allow your state of mine to assume the cloak of that new identity. Someone who is described as loyal behaves loyally. You can either think to yourself “Mann… I wish were a loyal person - but I just suck.” OR you can say “From now on, I am a loyal person” and behave according to the standards of that new identity.
You want to hear something super important in this redefinition? In this fabulous personal transformation?
You might be super tempted to continue being stuck in the past, feeling heavy hearted and resigned to the identity the actions of your past slapped you silly with.
But really -
Scratch That. You are not your past. Living in the past makes your “crimes” your present. You want a happier life? Make your present great every day. Living this way makes it possible for you to count on a bright and happy future.
This is powerful stuff -particular if you’re not so happy in your heels. Feeling stuck with a particular sense of self - longing to break out and “be a better person” is fruitless. Assuming the identity OF that “better person” puts you in new shoes and a new route. So I have to throw in another exercise derived from the love list mentioned in my post Stripped: Vulnerability if Love. It’s time to create a new love list - but one for the person you would absolutely love to be. Lay it all out there - the characteristics, the behavior, the thoughts, the attitude- whatever, of the dream you. Have fun with it and spare no details. Now - how much of the person that you would like to be are you actually like right this moment? If you’re nothing like this person, why is that? You’re not as smart? Or is that you don’t consider yourself an intelligent person and so your behavior is in line with what your self perception screams? You’re not as clever or do you avoid risks of creativity? Are you not beautiful or do you skip personal care altogether - thinking it’s useless on “someone like you”?
In the reinvention of yourself, you have the power to choose who you want to be. If you understand those words, you have reason to be brimming with a brilliant excitement. Its really that simple. The person you want to be waits for you to assume the role. So take a hold of that love list and examine what will be required of you to make the list of who you’d LIKE to be the truthful description of who you NOW ARE.
Oh snap! *grin*
With each goal you’ve listed, each characteristic you wish to embody - the question for each is HOW will you make that happen? If you choose to be a decisive person from now on, it’s more than saying “I am decisive now” albeit a really important first step. It’s practicing to remain in situations that require you to make decisions instead of allowing the people around you to do it for you. If you choose to be an individual who now dives in creativity and the revels in the sweetness of life, how are you making that happen? Are you making sure that the environment you choose to remain in is conducive to your new self? Are you still taking tips from the pessimists or are you making new buddies (or reconnecting with old ones) who believe in drinking from a glass half full? What are you going to do to make your love list your truth?
Don’t forget where there is a will, there’s a way. Not only do you get to choose your new ID, you can find a way to make it a real one. You have a new role to live up to now and the very same essence that gives you the right to create a new identity gives you the right to break from the “but this is the world I’m in” or “this is how I am” mentality.
What’s Your Personal Mission Statement?
It’s not only for big bad businesses. Creating and holding fast to your very own personal mission statement is a powerful step towards the new you. What’ll really make your world go round? What is your “mission”? Essentially, you’re writing in the values and the things that will fulfill you - REALLY fulfill you into your mission statement. It’s what you live by. It’s the essence of (the new) you. It’s what you intend to do. It keeps you in touch with the point behind all of what you do. For instance, you can have your heart set on making the world a better place by because a sizzling hot lawyer that puts the evil-doers behind bars. But with the stresses of paperwork, workplace drama, long hours, not enough pay, a strained family life, really rude clients, unfavorable technicalities and holes in your stockings, you can easily lose sight of your point or in this case your MISSION. Getting off track contributes to changes in your character that you aren’t too happy about. So you see, a mission statement can be pretty handy.
How do you find what that is exactly?
Well you have an excellent reference to start with in the list you wrote out (mentioned above). Now in your mission statement, you are clearly writing out your intentions which generally will keep you in tune with the characteristics and qualities you would like to embody from now on.
Since your mission statement is more of a statement of action than a general concept, it is less like “To save the world” and more like “I am dedicated to providing quality service to those who seek legal counsel with consistency, thorough review, and human empathy as my cornerstones.”
You mission statement is what you’re going to do and the value behind it in terms of action. If you were to write it down, laminate it, and stick it into your purse, glancing at your mission statement should be able to help you refocus and stayed tuned to your intent. So you’d like to be happier? Then it’s more than “Be happy every day”. That’s a great start but try “To experience happiness every day by enjoying moments of gratitude three times a day, tell someone who I love that I love them every day, and to initiate one act of kindness daily”.
If you’d like to read more about creating your own personal mission statement, check out Should You Write a Personal Mission Statement? over at DumbLittleMan.
Also, If you haven’t already, also take a look at related post Overcoming Self Sabotage.
* Big Smile * Here’s to a definition that you can be proud of and an identity you are happy to have!
A very special dose of link love goes to Barbara of the fabulous BloggingWithoutABlog.com. Her challenge to us bloggers to write a blog post with pictures as an inspiration is a fun one :-) Perhaps you ought to take her up on it too!
* This link contains an InMyHeels affiliate ID
Photos by: Meredith Farmer
