There can be a lot of internal conflict and grief about what you SHOULD be doing and what you actually are doing. Where you SHOULD be in life, and where you are. If you are someone who wants to have it all but barely has some, you might secretly harbor thoughts that “because you are the way you are”, things can’t happen for you the way they fall cinematically into place for - say - Madonna (which, by the way, is only your perception from the outside looking in).
But consider this.
Have you ever considered the possibility that a good lot of the way you behave, the things you can or cannot do, your success, the amount of people who know who you are, your level of happiness all depended on your sense of identity?
Think of it like this. You think of yourself as an upstanding citizen. To maintain that identity, you pay your taxes (…right?), you work or go to school or are “in between” instead of announcing “I am decidedly doing nothing with myself for the rest of my life”, you don’t walk around punching people in the face for sport, and you maintain some semblance of social decency. Suppose you didn’t think of yourself as an upstanding citizen but rather a common criminal at heart. You throw your hands up because at least you’re real, and you proclaim “This is ME. This is who I am. That’s just the way it is.” And with that, your standards of living are somewhat different. In line with the criminal mindset, stealing is just a way of life, you don’t worry about upsetting Uncle Sam, you live with society’s perception of you without losing any sleep about how to change it anymore, and yes - you’ll punch a face or two because you’re bad like that.
IDENTITY is so important in our world. When you think of someone in a position of great authority, there is the reasonable assumption that this person has the traits of a leader which include a strong sense of self, an ability to influence, virtuous (to those who chose that person), and capable. We expect to see strength in our leaders. They will surely end up on the evening news (with HD to boot) if they partake in behavior that conflict with the traits that a leader is supposed to have. Take an Olympic athlete - a star in her own right. She radiates personal strength, vigor, focus, determination. If that same Olympic athlete is caught with drugs to help her performance, God help her. The same flashing lights that were used to light moments to capture her image for praise will be the same to expose her dirty deeds and “expose her weakness and true self”. She will be shoved off of a pedestal and most likely penalized.
No wonder there is that fear - or terror - of success. Who wants that kind of pressure?
More importantly - why do you think there will definitely a struggle to live up to a certain title? Is it because it conflicts with who you really are?
Let Me See Your ID
I strongly encourage you to take part of these exercises that I found in Anthony Robbins’ book *Awaken the Giant Within. He asks his readers to write a description of themselves under the title I Am.
I Am…In which you write in as much detail as you can muster about the person you currently are. Let it out, people. Let it all out. Write the good, the bad. The savory and .. not so much. Two words are just as meaningful as 20 pages if that’s really all you’ve got. But mostly likely, you’ve got folds to unfolds, details to uncover. It’s a snapshot. A process. It requires that honesty with self that I like to encourage. The important thing is while you are are doing this excercise, you are in a safe, calm, relaxed environment and state of mind. You are not to succumb to the pressures of what you ought to see on that page but rather, what it is.
Another exercise would be your dictionary definition. If someone were to look your name up in the dictionary, what would they read? What are the words that describe the real meaning of you?
Last but not least, an exercise entitled your ID Card in which you share the things that you would like to share on a ‘card’ that explains you to anyone who see it. What would you leave out? What would you display? Would you add a picture? What would it look like? Would you have a long list of titles and accomplishments to share? Would you define yourself as the roles you play in your family life?
If you find a degree of real discomfort, uneasiness, or unhappiness at what you are looking at, I encourage you to recognize that you’re actually in a good place. You’re “looking yourself in the eye” so to speak. Plus - there is excellent news that resonates in the following quote:
“Whatever you call your identity is simply what you’ve decided to identify with, and [that] in a moment you could change it all.
…In fact, after looking at how identities evolve, you’ll have an opportunity to expand your identity, and therefore your entire life” –Anthony Robbins
Scratch That: The Redefinition of You
This is your life and you have the marvelous opportunity to take a stab at reinventing yourself and creating a very necessary shift on how you see yourself. Why live in the realm where not only life ‘happens’ to you, your personality, your abilities, your happiness, your drive ‘happens’ to you too?
You may not know where any of the roads of life lead but you definitely choose how you travel. You choose to drag yourself though the mud of fly high. You choose to see the ditch or the opportunities that burst in anticipation on the other side of that ditch. You choose to look down or to look ahead at a vast horizon - the possibilities of life.
With choices like that, you’ve gotta know you choose the hat you choose to wear too! So if it is your sincere desire to be seen as a loving person, a respectable member of society, part of the elite, whatever it is you can conjure up that sends your heart into a pretty pitter patter - make it your business to allow your state of mine to assume the cloak of that new identity. Someone who is described as loyal behaves loyally. You can either think to yourself “Mann… I wish were a loyal person - but I just suck.” OR you can say “From now on, I am a loyal person” and behave according to the standards of that new identity.
You want to hear something super important in this redefinition? In this fabulous personal transformation?
You might be super tempted to continue being stuck in the past, feeling heavy hearted and resigned to the identity the actions of your past slapped you silly with.
But really -
Scratch That. You are not your past. Living in the past makes your “crimes” your present. You want a happier life? Make your present great every day. Living this way makes it possible for you to count on a bright and happy future.
This is powerful stuff -particular if you’re not so happy in your heels. Feeling stuck with a particular sense of self - longing to break out and “be a better person” is fruitless. Assuming the identity OF that “better person” puts you in new shoes and a new route. So I have to throw in another exercise derived from the love list mentioned in my post Stripped: Vulnerability if Love. It’s time to create a new love list - but one for the person you would absolutely love to be. Lay it all out there - the characteristics, the behavior, the thoughts, the attitude- whatever, of the dream you. Have fun with it and spare no details. Now - how much of the person that you would like to be are you actually like right this moment? If you’re nothing like this person, why is that? You’re not as smart? Or is that you don’t consider yourself an intelligent person and so your behavior is in line with what your self perception screams? You’re not as clever or do you avoid risks of creativity? Are you not beautiful or do you skip personal care altogether - thinking it’s useless on “someone like you”?
In the reinvention of yourself, you have the power to choose who you want to be. If you understand those words, you have reason to be brimming with a brilliant excitement. Its really that simple. The person you want to be waits for you to assume the role. So take a hold of that love list and examine what will be required of you to make the list of who you’d LIKE to be the truthful description of who you NOW ARE.
Oh snap! *grin*
With each goal you’ve listed, each characteristic you wish to embody - the question for each is HOW will you make that happen? If you choose to be a decisive person from now on, it’s more than saying “I am decisive now” albeit a really important first step. It’s practicing to remain in situations that require you to make decisions instead of allowing the people around you to do it for you. If you choose to be an individual who now dives in creativity and the revels in the sweetness of life, how are you making that happen? Are you making sure that the environment you choose to remain in is conducive to your new self? Are you still taking tips from the pessimists or are you making new buddies (or reconnecting with old ones) who believe in drinking from a glass half full? What are you going to do to make your love list your truth?
Don’t forget where there is a will, there’s a way. Not only do you get to choose your new ID, you can find a way to make it a real one. You have a new role to live up to now and the very same essence that gives you the right to create a new identity gives you the right to break from the “but this is the world I’m in” or “this is how I am” mentality.
What’s Your Personal Mission Statement?
It’s not only for big bad businesses. Creating and holding fast to your very own personal mission statement is a powerful step towards the new you. What’ll really make your world go round? What is your “mission”? Essentially, you’re writing in the values and the things that will fulfill you - REALLY fulfill you into your mission statement. It’s what you live by. It’s the essence of (the new) you. It’s what you intend to do. It keeps you in touch with the point behind all of what you do. For instance, you can have your heart set on making the world a better place by because a sizzling hot lawyer that puts the evil-doers behind bars. But with the stresses of paperwork, workplace drama, long hours, not enough pay, a strained family life, really rude clients, unfavorable technicalities and holes in your stockings, you can easily lose sight of your point or in this case your MISSION. Getting off track contributes to changes in your character that you aren’t too happy about. So you see, a mission statement can be pretty handy.
How do you find what that is exactly?
Well you have an excellent reference to start with in the list you wrote out (mentioned above). Now in your mission statement, you are clearly writing out your intentions which generally will keep you in tune with the characteristics and qualities you would like to embody from now on.
Since your mission statement is more of a statement of action than a general concept, it is less like “To save the world” and more like “I am dedicated to providing quality service to those who seek legal counsel with consistency, thorough review, and human empathy as my cornerstones.”
You mission statement is what you’re going to do and the value behind it in terms of action. If you were to write it down, laminate it, and stick it into your purse, glancing at your mission statement should be able to help you refocus and stayed tuned to your intent. So you’d like to be happier? Then it’s more than “Be happy every day”. That’s a great start but try “To experience happiness every day by enjoying moments of gratitude three times a day, tell someone who I love that I love them every day, and to initiate one act of kindness daily”.
If you’d like to read more about creating your own personal mission statement, check out Should You Write a Personal Mission Statement? over at DumbLittleMan.
Also, If you haven’t already, also take a look at related post Overcoming Self Sabotage.
* Big Smile * Here’s to a definition that you can be proud of and an identity you are happy to have!
A very special dose of link love goes to Barbara of the fabulous BloggingWithoutABlog.com. Her challenge to us bloggers to write a blog post with pictures as an inspiration is a fun one :-) Perhaps you ought to take her up on it too!
* This link contains an InMyHeels affiliate ID
Photos by: Meredith Farmer
Jemi
I don’t know where to start with that post. Talk about an avalanche of mind boggling passion. Identity is a fascinating thing and when you consider how much of it is handed to us by our family, our community, school and society at large it can be difficult to see what is US and what is everyone else.
Personally,SHOULD is a word I have endeavored to ban from my dictionary. SHOULD implies obligation and not free will. I prefer to think of what I CHOOSE to do or not do, as this means I am coming from a place of power. Even if I have to choose between two crappy options (and let’s face it, sometimes life is like that) I am still making a choice and that choice will help build my life story and my identity, both to others and to myself.
Debbie Ford also talks about claiming our shadow, and I think that is important too. All our traits are not virtuous because human beings are flawed. We all are. But our weaknesses and foibles are just as much a part of ourselves as our strengths and we accept our whole self when we see the entirety of who we are and love ourselves anyway. No one else’s opinion of us matters as much as our opinion of ourselves, so claiming our authentic self and loving it unconditionally is the first step we can take to giving others the love and accpetance they need.
This is a topic I could ramble on and on about, and I’ve probably already gone on too long. Hope most of this was coherent. If not, well never mind…
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post..Do We Need Religion If We Have Faith?
Gosh, super, super cool post. I like!
My personal mission statement is:
“Live, play, party and fight for all the causes I believe in”.
Of course, if you’re passionate about your work then that falls under “play”.
Hi JEMi,
This is a superb post. I like the “exercises” you suggested. I have also done a “living obituary”. When you start writing how you would want to be remembered, you start to realize that in order to be remembered a certain way, you need to make some changes. It’s an eye opening “experiment”.
Thank you for the link love. You did great on the challenge. Are you going to take me up on the other one? “the lonely world of blogging?” I would love to read your spin on that subject.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..How Doing Laundry Inspires The NBOTW
Excellent excellent excellent. I can feel the passion in your writing JEMi! I started to try your suggestions and I got mad at myself. I had to read this another two times and it helps. How old did you say you were?
JEMi,
You have the makings of becoming a great personal, success, whatever-coach should you choose that route (I know, I know, you’re still in college).
But dang, your posts are like class essays — well, better than most, even.
You’d better be acing your English classes
Nez
Nez’s last blog post..Dealing with Pressure Situations
JEMi, not often do I find myself reading a lengthy article, but this one really caught my eye.
Fabolous writing and a great subject - Anthony Robbins is really interesting as well.
One day I’ll do some of those written tasks, because to be frank, I am not the person that I *truly* want to be. And while that’s totally allright, what’s not allright is that I am not working on becoming “him” every single day.
Thanks for the inspiration
Alex Kay’s last blog post..10 Good Reasons Dinner Dates Suck as the First Date (And What to do Instead)
this was another great one JEMi…usually after I’m done reading your posts, I don’t respond right away, I let it sink in and then I come back. I’m floored and speechless, sometimes even my eyes tear up and because sometimes i’m just not where i want to be and i ask myself why..i know why, but boy did this put everything in prosepctive and i can see clearer now.
Natural’s last blog post..6 Stress Busters for Bloggers
@ Kelly: Thank you for your wonderful comment. You made absolute sense to me so don’t even worry about it
The topic of identity - well yes its a big one and I’m so glad you detected my passion. With my strong desire to capture life on my terms - human and all - I search and search for ways to better myself. Identity is one of those things that for years plagued me. Not because I don’t think I’m a good person but because I wouldn’t feel like I was who I could be.. who I admired. Thank God there’s something we can do about it if we want to!
@ Amir: Hello! I’m glad you think so - btw Awesome mission statement
@ Barbara: Those excercises did a big number on me too! When I tried them - I said to myself - “uh uh, I have to share these”
Wow, a living obituary huh- that must of been an eye-opening process and I agree with your perspective
Hmm.. the lonely blogger post. I can try - So far, all I’ve got is a spin on it for what I hope is a fabulous future post (I’ll send you link love there too)… does that count? Even if it doesn’t, your suggestion is a marvelous idea and I think I can say something about it
I’ll try!
@ Dave: Good to see you here again! Oh, lol I turned 22 Feb of this year
@ Nez: LOL - well, I can’t help being wordy lol. I secretly love my English classes - I remember in HS, I was the odd one out. Everyone HATED this teacher but I thought he was witty and I always laughed out loud at this jokes…
*shrugs* I would tell them “sue me”
Thank you for the great compliment.. I have very high hopes for my future in helping others through writing, speaking, medicine, the works. Look out for me! ;-D
wow, you so made my day!
@ Alex Kay: Hey! lol I can’t help my wordiness - I know it’s a turnoff for some but I tell you what - I’m really glad you were able to take something out of it. Know that being “Him” more often is definitely in your control and it’ll feel good you know - finding yourself slowly but surely not only assuming a new identity but making it your very own. I may not know you in person but from your writing over at your site, I “online see” (lol) a swell guy. Thanks for stopping by
@ Natural: *big smile* Ney Natural! I know exactly how you feel - I teared up when I did those excercises myself. I was taken aback at my feelings of dissatisfaction with what I was seeing on the paper. With a lot of soul searching and self reflection - not to mention a sudden inspiration to write and share this piece, I felt better knowing that it’s up to me to choose how I live this life of mine for better of for worse. I feel like if I can commit to my inner peace and happiness, I have a much better shot at loving the person I am today. And you know what - it works.
I found deep satisfaction in your feedback - so thank you for taking the time.
Hi JEMi - I love this post. Isn’t Anthony Robbins amazing? I really like your idea of creating a personal mission statement and I’m going to be trying it out.
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..Cashflow Problems: Idiot Proof Your Business
Hi JEMi,
I’ll be looking forward to that post. Link love is great, but more than anything, I want to read your spin on it. And, as always, I’m sure you will find the most appropriate pictures. You always do.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Join Me In Helping A Fellow Blogger
hello there
thanks for stopping by.
All your pictures are cool.. theres some emotions i cant explain..
takecare
rose’s last blog post..hala.. papaya!!
I know that for myself how I identify myself is so ingrained that despite the fact I know sometimes it holds me back, I just cannot seem to let that definition go. A prime example is I have always been defined as the independent tough one. I do not want to let this go for some reason, and I end up letting it affect my relationships.
Very nice article….thanks for sharing! Regards, Keith Johnson, Author, 365 Great Affirmations
Good post. I think the way we view ourselves is important for either creating self imposed limits or to free ourselves to transcend and achieve our heart’s desire
Tejvan Pettinger’s last blog post..Some 30-day self-improvement ideas
Wow, great article! This was really thoughtful and inspirational…
Marsadie’s last blog post..Reader Poll: Online Shopping
Hello Jemi!!
My husband and I read the article together and together we were utterly amazed how wise beyond your years you really are. I personally would like to thank you for the Post, you have no idea what irony it was to have read this particular post. I read a little about you Jemi, and I would like to say, I am truly sorry for your loss of your husband.
I have been fighting my inner demons for some time. I lost my brother five years ago and the pain is still as deep as that horrid day, losing a loved one truly tests your sanity. In 2000 I had a car accident, suffered extreme pain and had a lot of trouble proofing there was something wrong with me to the insurance company. A lot of doctors misdiagnosing me caused me to have a breakdown, and I gave up. So for 7 years I suffered in silence and become housebound. Just recently I came out of hibernation asking for help. I found out I had torn hips and had to have hip arthroscopy. I suffer from neuropathy a condition which has caused my feet to burn and immense pain, burning in other parts of my body, gradually making me unable to walk. I have just had a spinal cord stimulator placed in my body to help with this condition. It is not a cure but it decreases my pain to a level where I can begin to try and live a normal life.
Over the years I have lost my identity, being in constant pain physically, mentally this changed me. Was it just coincidence that having only received your message Jemi a couple of days ago, “ will you check out my blog purty please?” from January the 4th? I believe this world is one strange place and I couldn’t begin to tell you how depressed I have been specially the last week and I suppose things happen for a reason.
I have renewed enthusiasm with regards to where I am in my life and how I play a big role and where I can and will be over the coming years. Practically having lost my whole twenties in a hole with pain my only outlook. With positive post operative results, even though I still have a long road ahead of me I now can see me taking control of my life. This blog reinforces me to work at building my character, within the blog I believe it has the tools to guide me on that road to personal fulfillment. Thank you for making me feel that all is not lost!
Hayleyjade.
Hey everyone - sorry that I’m only now responding.. I was sans my pc for a bit but I’m glad to be back!
@ Cath: yes, I think he is - despite some of the critiques I read about, I find that there is a lot of good and powerful information that he shares and that’s what I choose to pay attention to
@ Barbara: I gave it some real thought and I haven’t come up with anything yet! But if I figure something that I can fit into the scope of this site then sure thing. I do love challenges though
@ Rose: Why thank you - I appreciate you stopping by!
@ new zealand tourism: I know what you mean - the identity that you assume affects all aspecst of your life - relationships being a big one to appreciate the graces or take the hits of that identity. Its more than knowing it affects you - although thats a major first step. Its figuring out how you’re goin to grab the reigns.. especially when someone really special comes around
@ Keith: thanks!
@ tejvan: I couldn’t agree more!
@ Marsadie:
I’m glad you liked it - thanks!
@ Haylejade: I was deeply overwhelmed and appreciative of your comment. For me, it hit many personal notes - particularly letting me know that the purpose.. the very existance of this site has served someone a message that she can use for the better.
Thank you for the condolences ..
I am humbled by you and your husbands opinion. I’m very sorry to learn about what happened and the suffering you’ve had to endure this entire time. Isn’t it crazy how just not knowing what’s going on under the surface causes so much pain for so long?! However, what a blessing - your surgery and the turn of events after the fact. You - for sure - endured weathering on your identity.. your emotions, your health. I’m excited about your new outlook on life and the promising road to recovery - both physical and emotional. I’m glad you saw my little note when you needed to instead of immediately. IMO, that was no coincedence.
Your feedback is such positive reinforcement to me as a writer and as the woman who hopes to help somehow. It is my deepest hope that InMyHeels will continue bringing messages that contribute to your overall wellness. Know that you are one of those in mind when a something you need is posted and jumps out at you. I plan to be in an instrument for hope as long as I can be.
(( hugs )) thank you with all my heart Hayleyjade. Get well, strong woman
-JEMi