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A year ago today, my husband passed away.
I remember the pitch black horror that crushed me at the deep voice of the medical examiner on the other end of the line. I remember interrupting him with a shrill voice, asking him
“Is what you’re going to tell me irreversible?”
“Yes” he replied quietly.
“Then don’t tell me.”
My logic was- I was now in our home alone. So if I passed out from shock or something, there would be no one to rescue me. That was my husband’s job - one that he held with tender care and regard. And if what this man was telling me was true, he wouldn’t be able to.
In the future, as time grants me more strength to go into more details, I will be able to address the many complications that came with losing the love of my life because my genuine hope is that my message falls upon the tear filled eyes of the grieving widow/widower.
In this post, I offer to you some of my own personal experience as a young widow as well as tips on coping effectively particularly at the wake of this horrible time in your life.
Fall Back on Your Support System
You want to know what I remembered for sure around the time of the funeral?
The deep fog I was in that prevented me from absorbing the majority of the details during the funeral.
The few things I DO remember include the support I received from my friends who traveled to be there for me. I remember my parents and their resolve to hold me with their love and support no matter what. I remember my in-laws, in their own pain, making sure that I was alright. I am forever grateful because that fog that surrounded me meant I had a very hard time processing a simple logical thought. Me - the same girl who thinks brainstorming is fun.
Your support system is a very necessary resource you need to tap into during this time. Strong or not, you are in a weakened state. The small things count. My in-laws have a friend who was relatively new at the time and she took care of us by running the household while we tried to make it through the days. I knew what she did was major but looking back a year later, I see her as nothing short of a blessing. Her support as a friend allowed us to begin grieving without having to think about the everyday stuff we were definitely NOT thinking about.
You have plenty of time to stiffen your upper lip. Now’s not that time.
Big Decisions HAVE to Wait
Right now, there’s a pretty good chance that you aren’t thinking clearly and that’s understandable given the circumstances. This is why I feel the need to stress this point that really helped me. You must avoid making any big, life changing decisions on a whim. Big moves into unfamiliar realms, signing for big loans that you can live without, contracts, the works. If you must make a big move, at least arm yourself with someone who has your best interest at heart and/or someone sufficient knowledge. This is the thing. You want to avoid contributing to the list of complications that automatically come with losing someone you love. Regrets after the fact will not be conducive to your state of mind. Don’t inflict more pain upon yourself.
Money Matters. Even When You Don’t Care About It.
Alright - I already am a woman who isn’t grossly interested in money itself. I do work towards building a full life for myself that includes wealth because of the feeling of a certain safety financial security brings. With wanting to do so many things such as seeking fulfillment through my ventures and ideas - many of which cost money - I would just rather worry about other things in life than money.
That being said, I can tell you quite honestly that when my DH passed away, money was the very last thing on my mind. I didn’t want to talk about it, hear about it, see it - anything. I just didn’t want to be bothered. I would wave away “Ma’am you owe…” with a hurried payment and blindly pay for things that I felt or was told I needed. My thinking here was - my world had stopped. How could everyone around me move on with their daily lives as though my husband’s life didn’t count for anything? ARGH- just…whatever.
Now that it’s a year later and a bit of that clarity those self help books promised had arrived, I cringe at some decisions I almost made and sigh a very deep sigh of relief because I did wait. They say DO NOT MAKE ANY MAJOR FINANCIAL DECISIONS, ESPECIALLY DURING THE FIRST YEAR. They, I must say, are right. A year is just a guesstimate of a time frame but the validity comes from the time and the clarity that comes with it. Though you may be jumping around Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) rather haphazardly, the shock you initially feel when it first happens won’t be so strong anymore. Some of the fog will lift.
But yeah… that’s a year later. So in the meantime- some critical pointers:
- If you inherited any funds, use what you need to live right now and sit on the rest. Really… Don’t do anything with it right now.
- Your husband’s death is a tragic event in your life and while you are dealing with it, it is not your responsibility to bankroll other people’s debt solutions.
I’ll say it again.
It is not your responsibility to bankroll other people’s debt solutions. This can be hard because for the bleeding heart, you just want the world to feel OK. You love the people in your life. But truth be told, in matters of inheritance, right now is your time to grieve. After that, you have to figure out a way to live without your husband. That can mean a lower income if he was a contributor. That can mean a serious fight with depression and inability to function in society let alone go to work. That can mean having to pay expenses that come with losing someone. You have to preserve your well being. So wait before you dish it out. Often times, it won’t even take long before you realize what would have happened if you did. - God bless Bill Pay. I was seemingly allergic to due dates. I kept forgetting them and cutting it close with 30 day grace periods. Take it from me with a dose of love. Set up automatic payments for your bills with your bank if you haven’t already. Most banks make this very easy online. Then, there is always customer service if you don’t know what to do. Last resort? See if each company allows you to set up automatic payments through them. Have a checking account on hand and make sure you record each payment you set up. After its set up, you can go back to not thinking about it without having to worry you’re setting yourself up for a hostile financial takeover. Damaging your credit (even more if it already is damaged) is the last thing you need right now. There is some security with good credit. Emergencies or major decisions down the line may need to be handled with credit. You may not care right now - just like yours truly didn’t - but you will be grateful later on when the sun comes up for you again.
- Get professional help for your money. A financial advisor is great to have in a time where you seriously can’t think about money matters. Usually, a quality financial advisor (side note: Be sure you are dealing with a professional and one whose income doesn’t depend on moving your funds around without rhyme or reason. Fee-based can be just as damaging in the long run if this individual doesn’t have your best interest at heart) takes great care with your fragile state and crunches the numbers to simplify money situations. They help educate you on big money decision notions (that you should really hold off on but it happens). Even if you are smart as a whip, it can be hard to think straight. Take advantage of the services a financial advisor offer or the resources at your bank. You’ll be glad you did.
Be Wary of the Vultures, Scam Artists, and the Sheer Heartless
That article I wrote about Lending Friends Money? Yea…I must confess that was spurred by the unfortunate encounter between me and a certain blue eyed “friend”… ok a stranger who told me he was now a devoted friend. A friend who supposedly deeply admired and moved by my “strength” in my difficult new life as a young widow. I won’t get colorful with the language that can be used to describe this person when his true colors blared through. But I tell you what- when you’re in pain, you can become incapable of making good decisions for the long run including who may be a good new friend, and who is just looking to take advantage of you and your situation. As sad and heartbreaking your loss is, the truth is there are people out there who depend on your weakened state in order to prey on you and whatever you might have.
Protect yourself. Be very selective in the company you keep. Friends-both new or old- who ask or demand favors right now may have to wait. If you are then the recipient of a hissy fit or backlash, that should tell you something. After all, right now - it’s just not about them. It’s about you and you’re suffering. Monetary favors are part of those big decisions you need to avoid right now because if your husband was the breadwinner, you will sooner or later have to worry about bills that don’t stop in time along with you and your heart. Even if you make your own money, chances are you’re not really going to feel like going back to work. You may not be able to focus. Most companies are sympathetic to your situation but at the end of the day, they are a business and will operate as such. All this to say - be very very VERY careful with the sharks that will surround you as a widow.
Inappropriate Responses from the People around You Will Happen
Oh boy. You’re going to encounter this one a lot and mostly because though the dear hearts (and everyone else) mean well, they will put their foot in their mouth more times than you will care to count.
“So now that you’re single again, you’re free to do whatever you want!”
Really? Because even though I loved my husband, I was in some sort of prison…
“WOW…if I were you, I would have felt like this was my fault somehow!”
I see… Thanks… *insert a new neurosis here*
“You need to stop this and move on. It’s the best thing to do. Don’t be weak.”
Because suppression trumps the need to mourn ANY day. That and I only just lost the love of my life - no big deal.
“My mom’s man’s death was worse than your husband’s own because…”
Yes, someone really said this to me. With a straight face.
Sometimes it will hurt you deeply, sometimes it will anger you. Sometimes all you are going to be able to do is reply in the form of a blank stare. Try to remember this- often times, people just don’t know what to say. I kid you not. Yesterday, I turned 22; so if you consider my unusual age group in terms of widowhood, you can understand that the vast majority of my peers and loved ones haven’t the slightest clue what it feels like to lose a husband. With their innocence came an onslaught of painful ignorance.
It wasn’t only my peers though. People of all ages brought it to the table and I remember thinking maybe I ought to avoid people altogether.
But truthfully, you are going to be using so much emotional energy trying to get yourself through the day that anger focused on what people say will exhaust you to no end - and for no good reason. People can say stupid things. And that is that. Most of them mean you no harm and often times are just trying to be helpful.
I decided to handle this by speaking to the people I loved and asking them to lighten up on the comments… that they weren’t helping or I would explain exactly how they were hurtful to me. And you know, it really helped. With everyone else, I would deliver that blank stare and/or change the subject. Best of all, if you just decide to stop talking - no one can hold it against you. So take advantage of that and breathe.
Clarity at the Most Inopportune Time: Who Your Real Friends Are
I was the recipient of two very nasty, untimely letters from a former friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in years and who, by then, lived way down south. To this day, I can’t find the logic in her actions. Her gripe was I had no right to request the presence of my two best friends at the funeral because I wasn’t around for ‘the crew’ when I was 16. Let’s ignore the fact that my absence from my family and friends at 16 and beyond were for reasons way beyond my control. Let’s even look over the fact that not only have I been back in their lives for some time now, we spoke to each other all the time. My best friends love me as I love them. We reached peace and closure on the matter after working on our friendship upon my return when I became older and I am now closer to them than ever. The rants from this girl was days after burying my husband and you can be sure I was deeply displeased with her mishandling of a situation she not only had no part in, but had regurgitated in a grossly misinformed retelling of a story spotted with falsehoods paraded as truths.
Sometimes, this time brings out the very worse in people. You may witness behaviors or actions that are the polar opposite of what you would have expected from the people who know you. The problem with this is when you’re suffering a loss, the last thing you’re looking for is more loss in the form of ended friendships. You may be a widow who isn’t experiencing the loss of a friend but the 180 of family members. While I can’t explain the science behind the behavior of suddenly hurtful people (the only thing I can imagine is an awkward discomfort with the entire situation), I can tell you in your season of pain, you get to pick and choose what you want to deal with and what you don’t want to deal with. Your company consists of your selection of friends and so if it is within your power, distance yourself from those who are bent on bringing you more pain. From some stories I’ve read from other widows, sometimes the negative hovering comes from family - both immediate or in-laws. If you’re in this unfortunate situation, try to brainstorm on how to remove yourself from such an environment. Not only am I always convinced where there’s a will there’s a way, it would behoove me not to push Google into your conscious thinking. Do your research if you have to. Explore the what-ifs of options that you are considering. Look for widows that were in your situation and share their solutions- they are out there in support forums and groups. You really don’t need to be fed negativity on top of your suffering so cut ties, at least for now, with the sources.
People Who Don’t Want to Hear About Death
Many widows eventually feel that they cannot talk about their pain with their friends or family after a certain point because they are convinced people are tired of listening about it. Many widows also feel the replies or behaviors people display at the sight of them are clear indicators that they don’t want to talk about your DH. A sudden change in subject to something entirely superficial perhaps, or a rushed
“Are you OK?”
“No.”
“…You’ll be OK. You’ll get over it.”
When the discomfort lies in the hands of the potential listener, you may feel hurt and upset because after all, your husband is still gone after the last condolence and food offer. Of the two of you, your discomfort is chronic 24/7.
If this is how you feel, you may decline to go into forced discussion. But bear in mind, a true best friend is here for you and will be all ears. Your family is there past the formalities- they are there for the real life stuff after the fact. If your best friend(s) or family is included in that list of people who shockingly withdrew they’re support, it’s best you don’t aggravate your pain by pushing the topic on them and being disappointed each and every time.
…But You Need an Ear (Hint: Sometimes Strangers are the Best Listeners)
Some of my very best heartwrenching spill-it sessions were with complete strangers. I’ve met other people like me online. There is one woman who lives across the country and she became a very good friend of mine who I’ve met and talk to in depth. Turned out she was the only person who could reach me at first in terms of providing a message of hope even though everyone else tried. That’s because she could relate. She recognized my strange feelings. My perceived loss of my own life began to crush me. My anxiety wouldn’t let up because I am someone who likes to know what’s going on with her own body and heart. The sporadic crying was killing me because I could never tell when I would do it next. My neediness, loneliness, anger, stress, confusion, loss of will - she helped validate those feelings by showing me her own wounds and letting me know what she’s been through herself. She was able to bring some clarity and some peace to me because she herself was living proof of surviving the loss of a deep profound love.
Funny enough, our first connection came from MySpace. She was a fellow military wife looking to make new connections and she came across our pages which were filled to the brim with photos of love and laughter together. She was moved and initiated our connection. I took a great liking to her right away which was great considering I don’t often meet new friends online. Who knew she would have been the same and only individual who could connect to me on a scary level I never knew existed. I am forever grateful to her for her love, support and wisdom.
You need an ear. It doesn’t matter if it’s the new friend you made with a beautiful, elderly neighbor (like I have as well. She became a widow after a few months of knowing her. She was so full of wisdom and funny anecdotes…after her husband passed away, I was able to cry with her. What a special opportunity to return for her support.)
It doesn’t matter if it’s your therapist or the most unlikely individual (it happens. More than you know.)
When you need to pour your heart out, it’s good to do just that. Not only is it healing your heart in valuable increments, it just feels good.
While you’re at it, a journal can prove invaluable to you. Your personal journal can take your darkest thoughts uncensored. If you like to write, or you haven’t tried it - give it a shot.
Speaking of Therapists…
Professional help is very valuable - if not critical for some - at this time. Therapists and counselors are equipped with the knowledge and experience necessary to effectively help you through the sordid details of your grief - and I do mean sordid. Marriages are full of the regular people memories. You know, aside for all the good he’s done, the arguments and bad habits. The words you regret were exchanged. Those moments can exacerbate you grief especially if that was you last conversation. Your new therapist can provide a fresh perspective and is always sworn to secrecy (you know. Your privacy rights.) The objective point of view from your therapist may introduce things you’ve never considered - things that are meant to grant you some peace.
I stress the importance of taking care of your mental health because of the complications ignoring it will bring. I’m talking stress and the physical side affects. I’m talking insomnia, anxiety, uncontrollable anger, chronic depression to mention just a few.
Also, when choosing a therapist, bear this in mind. If you aren’t comfortable with him/her, find a new therapist! It won’t do you any good to sit on the couch of someone you don’t click with and it will discourage you from being honest about private details that bother you. All you need is a negative seed or two to be hidden in the soil of your daily life.
When choosing someone that’s right for you, some of the things to consider include the credentials, your comfort level with him/her, the style of communication (too cold and direct? too buddy buddy? too out of touch?), and the proximity to your home to encourage consistency.
Everyone Grieves Differently
Please take criticisms about your way of grieving with a grain of salt. Crying all the time doesn’t make you weak and not crying in public doesn’t make you heartless. Just as everyone’s landscape of time through the stages of grief are different, so are the reactions. It may take a very long time to cry for reasons unbeknownst to me. You may also be someone who can’t stop crying and you know, it happens. If your reactions feel bizarre because,for instance, they feel out of character for you - these are things you are to explore with the therapist that you need during this time. Grief is a state of mind that requires care both professional and personal. Don’t undermine the potential damage that grief can present and stick out your hand for help - in tears or in silence.
If You Need to Cry, Let it Flow
One complex I had was I felt I needed to be able to control my own emotions. With an iron fist at that. With losing him, I felt a great loss of security and control. I was desperate for evidence of my own control in this life because I had mortality shoved down my throat at the unnatural loss of my young husband.
The more I tried to stifle the unfamiliar emotions, the more I heightened my desperation and anxiety. I heightened my pain to a place it didn’t need to be and I undoubtedly lengthened the process in trying to fight its place in grief.
It was the crying, encouraged by my loving parents and in-laws, that started my breakthrough. It was so raw and painful but it would exhaust me and send me to sleep. It would help clear some of my frustration bit by bit.
It’s the expression of your pain, in whatever form it is for you, that will begin to flush the toxins of agony from you. You need it because without that flush, you will be slowly poisoned and bound to a long term pain and inability.
In the street, in your home, at the beauty salon- find an immediate shelter to adjust your comfort level (or none at all if you can be like that) and let it out.
Seeking Answers
I’ll have you know I feverishly did book searches on my situation. I searched keywords like young widow, military widow, losing your spouse - the works. I’ll have you know I didn’t even have time for placing an order. I marched right in Barnes & Noble- lips pursed and a good attempt at a haughty air as I pulled out the books that were supposed to give me the answers to this bizarre state of suffering that I was in. I didn’t want to navigate through it, wading in my own tears and misery. I wanted to know what to expect so I could lessen the tears, do it correctly according to the rules and process to ultimately feel a little bit more normal.
In the same breath, asking for help finding these books felt like an unreasonably miserable task that placed a golfball sized lump in my throat and sprung large tears from my eyes. I didn’t even see it coming.
I tried reading the books straight and it was pointless for me. I could resonate with authors who had been in my shoes and it was those books and had been able to eventually read first.
Even though I urgently bought a bunch of books and after scanning relentlessly I deemed them pointless, I would not be at peace about yet another thing if I didn’t search for the answers that I wanted.
When you speak to people, you may soon find that no one has the answer that you’re looking for. With my educated guess stating that your question is “Why?” or “Why me?”, all the “It was his time”s in the world may not satiate you. And if it doesn’t, it can mean you haven’t reached a point of acceptance yet. And you know what? That’s fine. There is no forecast for your acceptance of your husband’s death. There is also no forecast on what action, book, statement, emotion - anything that will introduce acceptance as an acceptable emotion to you. The only definite thing is time and the healing effects that move with it. Seek your answers and don’t feel inadequate if you don’t find what you’re looking for. Feel adequate because you took hold of the nerve to look for it.
Anger at God
I am someone who believes in God. Even after it all happened. My problem wasn’t that I began to think he didn’t exist. It was an inexplicable anger that I had with him. I felt my specific prayers for my husband’s safety and well-being was ignored. I felt so insignificant which clashed with the teachings that state each and every person matters to him. My solution was to not speak to him or of him until I was ready. The logic behind that one was I believed God is great, almighty, and powerful. If he wanted to smite me, it wouldn’t depend on if I were angry with him or not. He is ultimately God.
But in this same belief, I knew deep down that God was one of compassion and love. For reasons unbeknownst to me, he understands the heart, the pain, and the suffering. So I also figured since God was true to form, he understood my anger and why I felt it was warranted.
In my rage, I remember if I ever did passively communicate with Him, I would dare him to show himself - clearly - in signs of existence and safety. I needed to be reassured that he was till there for me. I needed to know this didn’t happen because we were irrelevant. I needed answers.
It was time that seeped in and softened my rigor. I was able to experience things that I don’t believe were coincidences. For instance, that new friend I mentioned in the section entitled …But You Need an Ear. If it weren’t for her, I would probably be in a very different place. Little blessings stood out to me. Even in my hesitancy, I couldn’t ignore them. So many things happened to me after losing my husband and without the grace of the God I believe in, I don’t believe I would be writing this today. Even now, things are popping up - mistakes I made in my foggy-minded state. Dangers I never knew existed. Exposure of things I overlooked. Something or someone is looking out for me and a year later, I can honestly say I am not as terrified for my life as I used to be. I know I will be ok.
Whatever your faith or persuasion, grasp onto the hope that comes within it. It is that faith, even if it’s no longer a flicker - but a soft glow that is threatened extinguishment -that will help heal you in the places no science, no books, no medications, no statement can. You need something to fill in those unreachable cracks because it’s those cracks that lead to self-destruction.
Finding a Level of Calm You Can Live With
It took great energy and time for me to be able to handle the rushing crowds of the city again. I needed quiet. ALL the time. I need the lite radio stations. I needed certain albums like Daughtry to cry/veg out/fall into. I needed some kind of control.
I didn’t deny myself the things I instintively felt I needed. In all my confusion, I knew what I DIDN’T want and used that to enlist help from my family to help me figure out that I DID want and need. It didn’t cost much to buy that album or to set up my new home in a quieter area. These are changed that were beneficial to me. You will need to indulge yourself in the environment (one that won’t make you bankrupt of course) that is best for your current situation. For you, that may be back at home with mom - regardless of how hold you are. That may also mean moving away from town as you possibly can. Be careful with the major decisions like that one and seek counsel.
Ultimately, you need to seek a level of calm you can live with. You want to nurture yourself right now. If you have children, you need to nurture them too. So many changes can rattle both you and your kids so you need your resting place.
Home should be a safe haven for you. Frankly, in my situation, I flew back across the country the very next morning, which was Valentine’s Day. I packed my bag and picked up our lovable dog and I was gone. In fact, after recieving the news, the neighbors helped me pack what I needed in a hurry and I fell asleep in exhaustion in their home that evening.
For me, our house was no longer a home. I couldn’t stand being there knowing he would never step into the front door with his usual gorgeous smile and kiss for me. Our home was full of brand new furniture we careful selected together and the smell of the new wood still haunts me from time to time. For me, I wouldn’t be able to find my calm in that house. Not after those days of agony when I didn’t know where he was concluded with The Call.
I credit alot of the peace of mind that eventually began to come to the fact that I respected at least some of my emotions. I needed to feel safe so I sought safety. I needed to slow down so I sought the calm.
Explore your current emotions. Aside from wishing whole-heartedly that death could be undone (I’ve done this often), what little or big thing would contribute to you feeling better? Can you do it? If not, is there any smaller version of it that can be achieved? If not, is there any alternative?
Don’t skimp of seeking your calm. You need it to make it through the days.
Loneliness
My husband and I never had children because we wanted to wait until we were older and able to give our children the best life possible. Upon losing him, I wished I had at least one. Without him, it’s just me and our pup. So with that came a strong, unmanageble loneliness. I’ve read comments from other widows WITH children and they also feel the torrents of loneliness. I struggled with feeling unwanted, undesirable, and sentenced to a life alone. After all, I was granted the rare blessing of true love and it came in a handsome package complete with big, chesnut brown eyes, a dashing smile, and the desire to show me affection on a daily basis. Where was I to find THAT ever again? If ever. And do I even want to?
Somedays I suffered guilt for wanting to be held. I thought it meant I wasn’t a devoted wife. I look back at that now and I shake my head because I can’t effectively phrase the magnitude of love I felt for my husband and my need to protect it with my loyalty. Somedays I suffered simply because the only person who I would run to in order to fix such a wretched set of emotions was also the reason I had those emotions AND he was gone. Somedays I didn’t know what I wanted and would seek relief in empty-well sources like food or bad company.
The need for human touch is very real. A newborn thrives when held and nurtured with love. If you feel any guilt because of the confusing feelings your loneliness brings, I’m here to assure you like my wonderful miracle friend assured me - It’s natural to feel loneliness. It’s natural to want to escape, to be held, to be loved. It’s natural to feel enraged if the source you chose for a human connection does not measure up to the void the loss of your husband created. I find a great peace in the embrace in all four of my parents. I found little joys in making new friends who managed to break smiles upon my face. I found a deep gratefulness in my friendships with my very best friends - the nonjudgment in their actions of support, the encouragement, the willingness to sit and listen and best of all, reminding me that they are there for in everyway (which is great because truth be told, I hate to impose and I automatically clam up in fear that I am).
That loneliness felt like a bottomless pit for a season or two. I still feel it but it a different range of intensity and for shorter periods of time. I have fallen in love with myself and began enjoying my own company. I now remember that I am in fact desirable and if my husband were here, he would not only swell in pride, he would eat me up. I now see the greater picture for myself and my life. The people in my life are very special blessings and though few in number, unmeasurable great in quality. Because of them, I am no longer as lonely as I was - especially now that I am not cutting the entire world off (I have to say, I was very good at chucking my cell phone just so I wouldn’t have to talk. For days. I won’t say how much but I’m sure you know what I mean.)
Reach out to someone. The world is suprisingly full of good people you have yet to meet or already know. In time, they say you find love again. Even in the skepticism, deep deep down, I do believe that and count on it. In the meantime, I am focused on living the life that I want to create- one hubby would be insanely proud of right along with me.
If You Are Feeling Suicidal
Many people who knew me were suddenly stricken with a fear - they knew how much I loved my husband so they were afraid that in my grief, I would cease my will to live and initiate my own death. Very Romeo and Juliet, I know, but this is actually a scary reality for many women and men in my shoes.
I remember the darkness that I sunk into. I remember the depth of my sadness. I remember wanting to be with him however I could. I remember thinking unmentionable thoughts.
I remember the fear.
The feelings that I was feeling in this case happen. They happen and it can be scary to mention because not only will certain people treat you like a mental case, you may not want anymore of your privacy invaded by well-meaning loved ones.
A quality professional will be able to differentiate normal feelings from ones of actual danger. So in case you didn’t take this piece of advice earlier in this post, please - take care of your mental health and confide in a therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable with the one you have, change her. But don’t hide in fear with these dark thoughts. Allow someone to help you through them and to remind you of the life that is here waiting for you.
In my case, my wonderful therapist that I appreciate dearly pointed out small signs of my desire for life in my speech. I don’t know how she did it but she helped me see and helped me decrease my fear. She helped me understand the difference between mental illness and the defined processes of grief. This therapist enlightened me in many things and I feel the need to encourage you to find one for yourself.
If you are feeling suicidal, seek help right away. You can figure out all that other stuff later. You can call 1(800)442-HOPE (4673) which is a nation suicide hotline that is available to you 24/7. You can also admit yourself to the nearest emergency room. Don’t allow shame to drive you deeper into the hole. It is only as powerful as you allow it to be. Seeking help is a major action that will help save you so that you are around for the better days life can offer you if you accept it. He may be gone, but you are here and that is no mistake.
((( Here’s a Hug From Me to You )))
I am very far from over it. In fact, today is one year - the golden time frame they give you for the beginning of a better life. I miss him very deeply. It still feels like it was yesterday for me and my struggles are still alive and well. Random reminders toss me into nostalgia and tears. Sadness still comes for me. Loneliness still comes. I still love him fiercely and I reckon I always will.
For me, my feeling of purpose and peace came late November ‘07 when I began InMyHeels.com. This blog is a testament to me and my husband’s collective search for guidance, personal growth, and motivation. November was not that long ago so yes, I’ve only recently begun to genuinely feel better. I’m so grateful some relief has finally come and now I am another example of living proof that another season does come. In my heart, I feel if I can provide some help to someone else, my husband didn’t die in vain. He stood for love, for the beauty of life, for compassion, and for strength. I’ve learned so much in my connection with him from the very first day I met him and it brought me some enlightment that I choose to nurture and utilize as my purpose in life. Somehow, it makes me feel so much closer to him. He’s touched so many lives before and after his death and I’ve decided to become a permanent extension of that through this blog, through my career, and through life.
I have a long way to go but I know, if you’re reading this because you are also in my heels, you need a hug to embrace you for dear life. It’s an online hug but it’s one nonetheless and it comes with my deepest condolences and my best wishes for you.
There is another side to this whole thing and on my way to it, I want to invite you.
Your husband may have died but the love you shared hasn’t- use it to help you start to live once again.
Resources and Links to Look At
Chapter Two supports a forum for young widows that became invaluable to me. Widows and widowers from all walks of life, all different ages, and types of deaths to recover from provide support and communicate with each other here. You can pour your heart out and know someone, if not most, will understand. You can take advantage of the anonymity of the internet and reach out to someone like you, past or present. You can observe what the others are saying and relate and/or provide your own support. I am greatful for it’s existance because really - I swore no one knew what it was like to be me. They’re out there.
The book Military Widow: A Survival Guide
For the personal, individual voices of widows who are in their own stages of widowhood, I want to bring your attention to these links. Over at Corrine’s, there is a great post - When Your Husband Has Died - A Survival Guide. Forever Changed but Not Forever Broken is a blog kept by Alicia which chronicles her life walking down the WidowRoad.
In terms of resources, there’s Widow’s Quest which is a blog that addresses alot of the issues we face as widows. Dr. Kirsti Dyer - the ComfortDoc has a nice blog filled with tips useful to someone who is suffering a loss.
Photos by: 1) Daniel Bolo 2) iboy_daniel 3) Mvox 4) Khalid Almasoud and 5) !SpecialK!
