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At some point in your life, if you haven’t already, you will find yourself in the awkward position of speaking to someone who has lost someone they love.

I’m going to take the liberty to make these statements with certainty based on facts true to people in general:

- Death, regardless of the cause, is a certain part of life. 
- So are the taxes…But that’s another post.

When you come the point where you are standing face to pain-stricken face with someone dealing with a loss, you may feel compelled to say something.  Naturally; after all, in the spirit of compassion for a fellow human being, you want to contribute some comfort to her suffering to lessen the pain.  But as you begin to search for the right words, you may suddenly realize that this is no ordinary situation and think- what could you possibly say to someone who is facing the ultimate loss? 

Someone to be Grateful For

I remember Valentine’s morning 2007; I was on the first flight out of town - away from our home that he wouldn’t be returning to.  Away from the military base that became home and the soldiers in uniform who, in all the ranges of their shapes and sizes reminded me of the hero that wouldn’t be coming home from work for me anymore.

I was on that flight in a plane (ha, no pun intended) that suspended me in misery, encapsulated in my shock and beginning to feel the truth of my husband’s death seep through my conscious mind.  That morning I began to realize on a different level just how gone he was and boy was I inconsolable.

I had the window…the middle seat was empty… and in the seat near the isle sat a man.  He was a grown man, much older than I was.  He was hefty in size and very focused in whatever he was reading.  Most importantly, he looked grossly uncomfortable. 

It must’ve my sniffles and my bursts of tears.  I tried to be quiet- I really did.  I tried staring out into the sky and focus my blurred vision.  I tried my very hardest to rewind time.  Maybe if I begged God for this one favor - just one - I would swear to be the very best person I could be.

It must have been halfway through the flight when, in all his awkwardness, this man asked me if I was ok.  I vehemently shook my head no and told him of my husband’s demise.  Over the course of the next few minutes, the uncomfortable air around him changed in climate.  He was curious, but reserved.  He wanted to know more about me, about our story.  And he did the best thing anyone could do on that flight for me - in the midst of me wanting to disappear.  Someone from a very different walk of life crossed over and started to really talk to me.  Talk to me about his own life, his loves, past regrets - a story of a life lived so far and in doing so, he deposited some valuable nuggets into my realm - available for me to retrieve on my own time.

He also listened to me.  I mean REALLY listened to me.  I was able to stop crying in order to talk about my husband.  I painted the colors of the picture in my mind with the beautiful memories I shared with him;  the good and the bad things that made him just right.  This man did not yes me to death, he did not discount my pain.  He didn’t shove cliches down my throat.  It’s as though God knew what to give me for the different points of my day and he knew I couldn’t deal with that that morning.

His response to my pain was unique to him.  All that mattered to me was a person understood that I was hurting.  A person wasn’t speaking at me but with me.  A collection of people like this over the course of the year helped me in unspeakable volumes. 

He gave me the autographed copy of the book he was reading- Power, Passion, & Purpose by Ann Nichols Roulac- and encouraged me to begin writing about the love I shared with my husband.  A book even.  He seemed deeply moved by it, by the obstacles hubby and I overcame, and the love we found in our youth.  He went on to describe it as unusual.  Rare even… and he explained to me that it would be special if I captured it as it was fresh in my memories on paper. 

It is now over a year since a stranger helped me through a horrible plane ride back home.  It was just enough sustenance to get me home.

What Do You Say?

Well, from the perspective of a grieving person, there’s nothing that you can say to amend the situation.  I believe a good lot of the awkwardness comes from the worry that you CAN’T make it better and the attempt to do so.  Perhaps you can try rewiring your thinking to “What can I say that will bring comfort?”

When I think of comfort, I think of warmth, the presence of someone else, the ability to relate, the desire to understand, non-judgment, and peace.  In remaining true to your own person, which one of these could you contribute?  Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t like to say much, but can soothe a broken heart by caring for the things overlooked by the passerby.  Maybe you’re someone who likes to talk - who is gifted with eloquence and always knows the right words to say; so your contribution to comfort is a beautiful thought you want to share.  The person who has nothing to say, and can’t think of anything to do because she herself is overcome with sadness and only wants to cry - this person doesn’t have to stay away in the fear that she is making it worse for the grieving person.  Crying with someone is a very personal thing and even in heart wrench, offers a momentary companionship. 

The thing about being in a position where you are suffering a loss is you are catapulted into a different dimension where both people who are close to you and people who are strangers are now on one side of the fence.  On the other side of the fence would be people who are suffering or have suffered a loss as well and you feel a kinship because the experience is so bizarre and so profound that only someone who has gone through it could truly understand.

On the same breath, I would say that someone who HASN’T lost someone is still a valuable component in a grieving person’s life.  People who are suffering a loss often pull away from people and from the everyday social life.  It takes time to get out of that plane - however the truly compassionate, patient friend can be one of the first to experience a connection when the grieving person begins to reach out for company again.  It’s about taking it easy with the pressure and being sensitive to the needs of a person in pain.  Not only, in her silence, is a grieving person grateful - you are truly helping in your very own way.

Ouch!  What are (NOT) the Words

A quiet gripe amongst those who are on the receiving end of well-meaning statements would be this - sometimes people say things that hurt very much even though the person who said it meant no harm.  Someone experiencing grief is much more sensitive and raw in her feelings.  For instance, a comment to me about my age and/or how long I must have been married as a certainty that my loss is “not so bad” is not a sensitive one.  All it does is undermine the quality of my love for someone very special to me.  Of course the person who says this isn’t attempting to be cruel…but I do remember stewing in my silence thinking “Why do I have to be open-minded and understanding right now?!  Why can’t people just think before they speak to me?”

Another golden one was the relief of a few friends of mine when I appeared ‘fine’ (i.e. I was not coupled over, convulsing in between my sobbing) and said to me “I’m glad you’re fine; I mean, I only went to that wake/funeral because of you.  I didn’t know him like that and so it didn’t mean so much to me, you know?  I just didn’t feel that pain.”  Spoken from the lips of people I was friends with for about 10 years now.  Logically speaking, sure - they didn’t know him very well.  The circumstances of our lives didn’t allow it.  But from my perspective, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to imagine how I was the right person to gush those feelings about.  After all, I’m the same person desperately grasping for ways to keep my husband’s very valuable  presence around me and I didn’t need anyone minimizing him to mere table talk right in front of me.

I’m sure there will always be comments that will sting.  It’s one of the things that come with the territory.  But how do you avoid adding insult to injury?

• Avoid undermining someone’s affections:  It doesn’t matter if you’ve witnessed war between and parent and child the night before his passing.  It doesn’t matter how long a husband and wife were married, or if they were officially husband wife at all.  It doesn’t matter HOW a person died or if the odds for the grieving look good in terms of recovery.  Right now, it’s about their pain.  So try avoiding comments that relate to “It’ll be OK because of *insert aforementioned circumstance*”  or “It must not be that bad because *insert aforementioned circumstance*.  
• Avoid assumptions on how the grieving must feel.  (Please?)  I promise you,  this piece of advice is golden.  There is no way in the world that you can know what it feels like without experiencing it as well. 
  It’s OK to not be in the same position; it’s just that statements that are meant to help can’t if they don’t take the reality of someone’s pain into consideration.  It’s like receiving advice about mortgages when you’re trying to rent.  It may both have to do with shelter but it’s not the same so it’s just not helping you. 
• Avoid comparisons.  For example:  A divorce is a huge loss to someone, but it’s just not the same as someone’s husband dying.  That same divorcee may not appreciate the comparison of her divorce with the break up of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  Each force of separation is deeply felt but the dynamic of the loss is shaped differently.  So within that respect, your own loss is unique to you and it’s perfectly OK to share your sympathies based on what you know personally.  It just may be hard for someone to hear the valuable pieces of what you may have to say if she is stuck on a blatant comparison.  Maybe the preface “I know it’s not the same but..” can help.  This is just an extension of avoiding assumptions and it is very deeply appreciated.
• Avoid estimating the appropriate time window for grief.  Since everyone grieves in their own way, imposing when you think they ought to be over it is alienating to say the very least.  One can’t help how she feels and insinuating inadequacy because she hasn’t reached a certain point “by now” only contributes to a complicated pain.  Of course it may be hard for you to understand and/or you may mean well.  But this is just one of those things a grief-stricken person has to work on with a professional .. which is also done in her own time.

The True Friend in You

If you would like to help, regardless of the proximity of your closeness prior to the loss, here are some suggestions that warm the heart.

• The statement “If there’s anything I can do…” is a great start however many people may not actually pick up the phone and say “So…Remember when you said if there’s anything you could do?  Right.. about that…”  for reasons ranging from levels of comfort to assumptions that you were just saying that to be polite.  Offer your help in a direct form and also in a manner comfortable to you (After all, how would you really respond to a cashed-in favor for help on a bill for ten grand?)  You can offer to pick up the kids on a Friday or offer your amazing organizational skills to help handle the influx of mail. 
• It’s OK to laugh.  Hey hey hey - not laugh AT the grieving person or sensitive topics but it’s fine to bring in the comic relief when spending time with her.  The stress level at this time will be pretty high and pretty chronic.  If by some blessed way you have it in you to pry a smile out of there, bless you and do your thing. 
• There is a special magnificence in silence.  You could absolutely have not a thing to say and sit with your friend instead of avoiding her like the plague because nothing comes to mind.  Your company alone can be just what she needs - without the cliches, the polite talk, or the fumbling. 
• Don’t take it personally if you have millions of ideas on how to help but the grieving person makes herself scarce.  This withdrawal happens with different time-frames for different people.  If what you can do to help can still be done without being invasive, by all means do it.  A phone call, a note, any little reminder that you are still around weeks or months down the line all adds to the anchor needed for a grieving person lost in the waves of pain.  Your support is so very special and so very necessary even if you’re not seeing frantic waves for help.  Some of those who are sinking the deepest are also the most discreet.
• If you’ve made a mistake and realized your words hurt instead of help, that acknowledgment does wonders - even if it’s much later down the line. 
• Be there.  Be there days, weeks, months, years after the fact.  Be there in your own way.  Be there despite prior misunderstandings.  Be there even if you were slow to come at first.  Just.. be there.  She’ll come around.

The sad truth is one day you will experience the loss of someone very dear to your heart.  During that time, you become the recipient of the words meant for comfort that haphazardly contribute to some major emotional damage.  More often than not, the conscious friend is far and few in between.  The fortunate grieving person (it is not so much a paradox as the words insinuate)  is the one who crosses paths with people who are mindful of what they say/do not say and who help by acting on genuine care.  After all,  the support system is a major piece of someone’s healing.  YOU are a MAJOR part in someone’s healing and someday, someone will be a MAJOR part in helping you heal one day. 

Readers of InMyHeels.com, you are a major part in my own healing and from the bottom of my heart, I must let you all know I appreciate you for taking part of my slow but sure way back by reading this site and for your comments of support.

My gratitude is immeasurable…  so in the very least I must say - thank you.

Photos by:  Carf

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