Last night, 22 yr old *Gina -a very close girlfriend of mine- and I hashed out her latest emotional torrents with, oh - lets call him *Peter. Peter, a handsome guy with more sex appeal than he knows what to do with has a sickening grip on Gina’s heart, soul, and attention span.  He is the father of her first and only child and though she loves him, Peter’s absences leave much to be desired. Let’s see.  Being pregnant at a private college meant she had to leave school and return to NY to live with her parents.  Being pregnant meant she felt alienated as most of our mutual friends have never been pregnant.  And guess what Peter was doing?Peter spent that entire pregnancy back at school, being the don so to speak.  He wouldn’t visit Gina, he would frolic amongst the available women, and he was continuing his life while Gina was experiencing the shock of growing pains mixed with pregnancy topped with loneliness.Resentment.  In this case, it grew from the second Gina realized Peter would come up to NY from school only to attend the hottest bash, and not to check on her and the baby.  The pain was surreal. Regardless of the “on again, off again” status between these two, Gina felt she needed to feel like she mattered.  She was carrying this man’s child. The toxicity of the resentment that built in Gina from a lonely pregnancy to this point as reached an all time high.  Loving someone who you resent is a maddening cycle.  So- how do you deal with resentment so that is doesn’t eat you up alive and leave a host that looks just like you walking around poisoning the good in the world around you?

Acknowledge Your Feelings

There’s much to be said for this one.  Denial of what is turning into, say, bitter hatred inside of you prevents you from dealing with your feelings.  You can run from many things but you can’t run from yourself.  This is a bigger step than most people realize.  You have to think to yourself (write it, sing it, whatever - get it out) what is it that has you hurt?  What wrong did he/she/they drop upon you?  Or maybe you felt this person has taken something from you - something you felt was rightfully yours.  Or how about the roles he/she should be fulfilling?  Maybe you resent that your person no longer fills in these roles.  Whatever the case may be, you aren’t going anywhere without acknowledging the resentment and its causes itself.

Choose To Deal with It

This one might take some time.  I say this because when you’re wrapped up in these emotional grease balls, sometimes the last thing you want it to do is catch fire.  For example, in Gina’s case, she can silently fume and spat with every walking soul that comes near her.  But deep down, still craving for Peter’s attention - and wanting it more than anything, makes her choose to keep these feelings under wraps.  What if Peter comes around when the baby is, say 50?  Even if he did at that point, and pay attention to this closely, the joy of getting what you initially wanted from that person/situation will be empty.  You know why?  Unresolved resentment slowly but surely filled ups the space where that joy would have inhabited.  It’s a maddening thing.  You spend so much time being secretly angry about not getting what you deserve, only to not enjoy it when you finally get it.  Sure, if what you’ve been waiting for was that six-figure raise your friend/boss was supposed to ensure you about when he got up that corporate ladder before you, you’d be happy about your money hike.  But how about all the times you hung out with said boss/friend (see how I switched that order?  It’s the change in how you feel) and boss/friend is doing for others before he does for you? That son of a…See? You want to enjoy receiving what you feel you deserve?  Don’t let unresolved issues undermine your arrival to what you thought you wanted.  It’s such a killjoy. 

What Does ‘Dealing With It’ Consist Of

When I say deal with it, I don’t mean suck it up.  Sucking it up is nurturing that feeding ground your resentment sits on.  And you know what grows from that? Dealing with it can be one or a mix of the following things (and don’t be shy about adding to this list - I report what I learn and I can always learn more)

1.  That acknowledging your resentment I mentioned earlier?  The ultimate step one.
2. Go directly to the person who hurt you.  You sit with them.  You communicate your hurt.  The key word is communicate.  I don’t know many people who can appreciate your new found self growth if it comes in the form of screeching explicatives.  And yes, I know sometimes it gets to that.  But for the sake of your own sanity and growth, you’re going to try to communicate what hurts you.  So if you have a lot of anger, a lot of pain, and you can’t go near that person without seeing red, maybe you should skip this part for now and try #3 first.
3. Speak with someone.  In a perfect world, you could go to the wretched whoever it is himself and say “I resent you!” and he will hug you and apologize profusely.  But I know that this may not always be the case.  So a trusted someone, be it a therapist, a stranger, a church figure – SOMEONE.  You go, you talk.  You let it out.  Bounce ideas, weigh suggestions.  They may tell you “No, DON’T try to sabotage their happiness by (fill in the blank).  They may have some valuable input for you.  There’s a strange and deep power that comes from talking.  Honest.
4. Visualize what life would be like without that resentment.  Just how much better would you feel without that weight on your shoulders?  What would change?  HAVE you changed because of this?  What do you miss about a life without this feeling?  Visualizing and wanting that life gives you drive to do the work you need to free yourself from the shackles of that bitterness.  That bitterness ages you (and not in the beautiful, older and wiser way).  It affects you mentally, physically, and spiritually.  Its poison I tell you!
5. Suppose you’re someone who is battling these feelings for more than one person.  A group.  Something.  Or maybe you feel that your anger is irrational but you just can’t help how you feel.  It happens.  You’re not evil for it.  Your perception of the wrong that is being done to you is a major factor in your situation.  Whether it be one or 100 people, you need to identify what it is that has you in knots.  What is the crime committed against you?  If they haven’t really done anything, and it’s more of an internal, deeper rooted issue – then what’s great about that is digging into the depths of you to find your reasons helped you find these roots.   The roots are the source.  Deal with the roots, enjoy genuine freedom.
6.  Those roots?  The issues?  It may be bigger, uglier, and more horrendous than you realized because they were buried and affecting aspects of your life.  Don’t underestimate SEEKING HELP.  Sometimes pride, fear of being judged, the Silly Factor - whatever it is stops you from seeking that help.  Don’t rob yourself of your happiness.  Being content with yourself is a very beautiful way to live your life.  Suppose said person or group really did cross you, however it is they did.  When there is nothing you can change about the situation/people involved in your silent wrath, you work on the one thing that you CAN change for the better.  You.  That’s what seeking help can help you do.  It can help arm you with the right tools and steps (baby steps or not, its all about moving forward).

What Resentment Can Do To You

Eat. You. Up.  Honestly, it’s amazing how it creeps into your life and affects your relationships with people and not just any people.  Never mind the random soul that bid the misfortune of crossing paths with you when you’re in rage.  (Of course, it’s important to be good to all you meet!  You never know!) But what about your spouse, your friends, your kids, your connect at whatever shop you’re grateful to receive discounts or favors from.  Quite seriously, it robs you of your self content.  It can be the thing that mutates your feelings of self worth.  It’s a miserable way to live.  Even if you think it fuels you to be stronger, harder, and tougher – or whatever motivation you might think it gives you.  It doesn’t.  It’s a chipper.  It chips at your very being on the inside while you’re concerning yourself with how you appear on the outside.  So choose you and get to resentacracking.  (I made that last word up.) 

What YOU Can Do for YOU

I’m a very big believer in treating yourself well.  You know how when you’re in loooove, how attentive you become?  How gentle, reassuring you are? That’s seldom the case when it comes to ourselves.  I should know.  I’ve been grossly guilty of this time and time again.  Realize that your self worth is not determined by the actions of others.  It is not.  Those outside factors are not your building blocks.  People can affect people yes.  But what people do doesn’t not make you any less valuable.  That pain you feel?  Rejection?  Abandonment?  All of that are valid emotions that you are allowed to feel.  So feel your hurt.  But don’t translate it as a decrease in the “I’m Important” scale.Sometimes the person you are hurt by is unreachable for whatever reason.  Death, change, what have you.   So this is the part where I have to tell you - 

LET GO.

There’s more to letting go than reading that title.  It’s an emotional change that only you can reach into yourself to execute.  It’s you gearing your mind, your entire being for a bigger, better thing.  It’s you choosing to not allow the anger and the resentment to consume you any longer.  It’s accepting that some things are not in our control and holding on to that imaginary dagger in rage will not change those things.  It’s taking responsibility for yourself and creating a better you.  A happy you.  A you who isn’t consuming all her time and energy hating something/someone when you could be using that energy loving and treating yourself to a big slice of awesome.  Sometimes it’s definitely easier said than done.  But it can be done.  It’s a decision you make.  You decide to no longer be consumed by the grand injustice and rather, use that misspent consumption recognizing and adding value to yourself.  Whatever it is that you do.  I feel Gina’s resentment to the core.  As her sympathetic ear and one of her best girlfriends, I feel it deep in me as she speaks about her woes with Peter.  But the beautiful thing is my supportive friend speeches brought rise to this blog.  Here’s hoping that she (and you) take my suggestions to heart.   

• Get a Grip On Your Anger
• When Bad Habits Happen to Good People
• Uninhibited: 10 Ways to Set Yourself Free (Part 2)
• Overcoming Self Sabotage
• Uninhibited: 10 Ways to Set Yourself Free (Part 1)