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03AprSurvival of a Broken Heart: A How-To Guide

The inescapable truth of break ups and divorces is the broken heart they can leave behind and the effect it has on the life you’re trying to live. Ever tried to focus on a spreadsheet when someone you love just walked out on you? Perhaps you’re the exact opposite - you can’t step outside of your work because what’s waiting for you is a shattered mess called your life and it isn’t exactly going to clean itself up.

The magnitude of heart break is inexplicable when you are the one experiencing it. Often times, as the resilient beings that we are, we adapt - somehow - to the changes they bring. The adaptation may be clunky and awkward sometimes but we do the best we can the best way we know how.

I want to bring you a bit of the know how.

Will it bring your better days with that person back? Not likely.

But here are some of the intentions of this piece and hopefully the suggestions provided prove to be useful to you:

- That “Why” question

- A better handle on every day life when sudden depression hits

- How to live without him

- Feelings of abandonment and what to do with them

- The difference between trying again and a never ending cycle

- Will you ever love again?

- What to do while you do your emotional work

I’ll make the rash assumption that this parting was ugly in my attempt to address some of the extreme feelings (and their derivatives) and what to do with them.

Continue reading ‘Survival of a Broken Heart: A How-To Guide’

in loss and love. 16 Comments

19MarStripped: Vulnerability In Love

There is a special kind of connection available to couples everywhere. *Ahem* Available being the operative word. After all, we’re saturated with scary divorce stats, horror stories and bad experiences. We’ve all witnessed more than our share of the reprehensible behavior between couples. What’s a good prime time drama without a decent backstab between lovers? And often, girls/guys nights out are flooded with ‘empowering’ acts of thumbs down to the opposite sex for anything outside of self gratification. So it makes perfect sense that a good lot of us hold an attitude of what we think is self preservation and build a nice wall around ourselves with black and white stills of horrors from the past hung up as infallible reminders. This is where the tucking real emotions away begins. Facades of perfection to stave singleness away. If you’ve ever been with someone and had to endure a fight where the methods of attack were using not-so-delightful bits of your past as arsenal, well, you know better than gifting anyone new a history about yourself.

In one sense, you are successful with this method. You’ve got yourself decent partnership with a nice enough person and you don’t have to show up to dinner parties alone. You experience superficial passions and what you don’t get from him, a decent soap should be able to provide. The important thing is you’re not alone and…well.. this is what it’s supposed to be anyway right? The exhilarating highs between couples you read about seem to be exclusive to new relationships, torrid affairs, and high school.

Continue reading ‘Stripped: Vulnerability In Love’

in love. 13 Comments

22FebEnding a Bad Relationship

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The turmoil developed in being in a bad relationship with someone you love is not one to be underestimated. It is easy enough from the outside looking in to pass judgement and/or speculate at what you would do if you were in someone’s heels. The logic often seems clear enough and it may seem like weakness if the hurt party refuses to leave.

Good thing here at InMyHeels.com, the perspective is often swiveled to the other side - where it matters.

I want to loosely define a bad relationship as I do understand the dynamics between two people are often so vast, I most likely won’t even touch them all.

Continue reading ‘Ending a Bad Relationship’

in love. 25 Comments

03JanLoving Out Loud

Photo by másfuertequeun ratón

It’s very easy to lose sight of a few, very key things in life especially when it involves the people you love the most. After all, if you see someone every day, it isn’t a special event of life to see them right? How about friends or family? Above all else, that person KNOWS you love him or her so why go into certain odes of declaration on, say, a regular old Thursday night?

I promise you, you are gaining so much more than you are losing by Loving Out Loud.

What is it to Love Out Loud?

A very simple “I love you” spoken at anytime - NOT only on special occasions - is a staple of the Love Out Loud concept. Being a little more mindful of telling your loved ones that you love and appreciate them can enrich both your lives more than you might give it credit for.

What Good Does It Do Anyway?

The thing is besides it being a very sweet thing to do , you never know when your last moments with someone lies. You aren’t going to receive a little ping telling you “Hey, Ms. Wonderful, you have 10 more hours with Johnny so get to loving!” You will find losing that person to be a relentlessly painful thing to live through, but one available salve for such a sad time is knowing that you shared your love for him/her time and time again. To know that your loved one did not part with you without feeling that love from you helps you get through.

You also have no idea what’s going on in the mind’s of your loved ones. Often times, people in our lives suffer from feeling under appreciated, unloved, just… not so special. I use the word ’suffer’ because over time, feeling that way a little bit at a time becomes a mountain of sadness.

How about the best reason of all?

With love comes happiness. Surely, you want to share that happiness with the people who matter to you. But that can’t happen if you are so consumed with the comings and going of your busy life that you ignore the little things that make you feel whole to begin with.

Actions Count

As important as saying “I love you” is (it really REALLY is), showing that love through your actions is just as important. You want your loved one to feel it because experiencing genuine love is one of life’s greatest joys. Think of how you feel when your special-somebody leaves a little surprise or when your best friend picks up a new CD she just KNEW you’d love. Now think about how you feel when you do something that makes your mom deliriously happy, or your baby smile. You don’t gain anything by skimping on expressing that you care.

Considering how life holds no stops on bad punch lines, enjoy the good stuff too! Loving Out Loud isn’t limited to holidays and birthdays. You have an opportunity to enrich your relationships and your life every day!

Don’t lose sight of the importance of a little effort.

Loving Out Loud is the gift that keeps on giving. It nurtures the roots of your relationships so handle with care.

in happiness and love. 7 Comments

03DecLoving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

It’s a wretched, miserable existence when you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Whether their eyes glaze over when they see you, or you’re “just a friend”, it sucks. It can do serious damage to self esteem. You find yourself wishing, trying, and thinking (maybe even obsessively. It’s ok, I won’t tell) and you can very well reach a point of despair.What I’ve noticed would happen in a situation like this is sometimes you may find yourself trying to alter yourself to the person’s pleasing. Or worse - what you THINK that person likes. Sometimes desperation makes you do things that you wouldn’t do otherwise. I just wanted to put this out there for the eager eyes that read this.

That person’s - or anyone’s - opinion of you for that matter does not define you or your value.
You are not any less smart, sexy, clever, talented, anything. Thinking in this way only aggravates the effects you feel from rejection. It’s a quick launch to a negative space that will certainly affect all aspects of your life. I’m not saying don’t be sad. But know who you are.

Don’t Cheapen Yourself

You know exactly what I’m talking about. Doing things you don’t want to do, that you wouldn’t do, that devalues or humiliates you to appease a soul. It’s not going to make them love you anymore and some unsavory characters would gladly lead such a circus at the expense of their conscience at old age (stay with me here) for the attention and care from such a wonderful person such as yourself. Who doesn’t love some TLC? Don’t compromise yourself. I’m going to say it again. DON’T compromise yourself.

Accepting Reality

It’s ok to hurt. To feel pain, to feel sad. But it’s not ok to refuse that person’s rejection, obsess, and bring yourself to new degrees of low. The bad news is the object of your affection doesn’t share those same feelings with you. But don’t count yourself out yet. There is someone who can appreciate you and return your adoration, like you deserve somewhere out there. I say deserve with conviction because I know - its so easy to take even small common courtesies as signs of someone warming up to you because you want that love so badly. But, my friend, that’s a baseline. Common courtesy… is common. Or at least it ought to be. It’s not love.

Be Good To Yourself

You will find that I’ll say this often because when I’m seeking that advice, I hear it so very often and I agree with it. We are so very good at beating ourselves up for what we deem our shortcomings. How about some of that adoration for that person… for yourself. You have the right to feel good you know, as you work on breaking that cycle and refocusing yourself and your sights on something or someone else. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back hurts like hell. So for your own sake, think about implementing these things that I’ve mentioned. Easier said than done, trust me - I know. But when you’re ready to be done with the whole misery aspect of it all, it will deliver a very necessary breakthrough.

Related Posts:

Ending a Bad Relationship

Survival of a Broken Heart

Photo by: Teb

in loss and love. 31 Comments

Tag Archive for 'love'