The inescapable truth of break ups and divorces is the broken heart they can leave behind and the effect it has on the life you’re trying to live. Ever tried to focus on a spreadsheet when someone you love just walked out on you? Perhaps you’re the exact opposite - you can’t step outside of your work because what’s waiting for you is a shattered mess called your life and it isn’t exactly going to clean itself up.

The magnitude of heart break is inexplicable when you are the one experiencing it. Often times, as the resilient beings that we are, we adapt - somehow - to the changes they bring. The adaptation may be clunky and awkward sometimes but we do the best we can the best way we know how.

I want to bring you a bit of the know how.

Will it bring your better days with that person back? Not likely.

But here are some of the intentions of this piece and hopefully the suggestions provided prove to be useful to you:

- That “Why” question

- A better handle on every day life when sudden depression hits

- How to live without him

- Feelings of abandonment and what to do with them

- The difference between trying again and a never ending cycle

- Will you ever love again?

- What to do while you do your emotional work

I’ll make the rash assumption that this parting was ugly in my attempt to address some of the extreme feelings (and their derivatives) and what to do with them.

The general scope of this piece won’t allow me to address the reason for a break-up because of the vast range of possibilities however the most common reasons that come to mind include infidelity, money matters, distance, and abandonment.

The “Why” of a break-up is important to both individuals because
a) the person left behind often seeks validation or tries to find a method to the madness. Without understanding what happened, a new chip has been born for the shoulder and theories - from reasonable to wild - can affect many aspects in his/her life
b) the person who left has his/her reasons but reasons left undefined are probably more serious than one might care to admit.

Now here’s the problem. What if you’re the one who doesn’t know the why? You know - your partner left, is being vague, or is blaming things you KNOW does not merit the termination of a serious relationship. The madness can begin with trying to figure it out, continue with demanding an explanation you feel you deserve without any success, and end with … not ending because you can’t let it go. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to get the answers they’re looking for and when that “not everyone” includes you, you’re amongst those who have to make do with what you’ve got: yourself and your memories. From another perspective, even if your partner were to mumble something along the lines of “It’s not your fault.. she’s just better for me”, not only will you not feel better, you will probably still feel a great dissatisfaction with the reply. So the answer to “why” may not come from the source you expect it to. Harping on the “why” may not make you feel better at the end of the day.

I’m going to suggest something I mentioned in the piece Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back; Acceptance plays a major role in your recovery from a break up. When I speak of acceptance, I don’t mean that your devastating circumstances don’t matter. What I mean is recognizing that the situation cannot be changed and not utilizing that fact to punish yourself. When I speak of acceptance, I mean employing the practice of forgiveness. Forgiveness requires finding peace with a wrong that has been done to you. When you accept and respect your former partner’s personal decision to continue a relationship, you are preventing the iron-grip strong reigns of resentment from preventing you to rise above this heartbreak. If someone really intends to leave, attempts to the contrary tap into that person’s guilt - not a genuine desire to stay. A panicked you might say “So? Who cares- at least he’s here” but the rest of you will surely suffer the often short stay thereafter.

You will also find that often times, when your mind is preoccupied on how to “fix” the situation, you are simply not accepting what has happened. When you’ve invested love and time into someone, the last thing you’re thinking of is letting someone walk out. The thing is if you are able to step back for a moment and look at the mess that lies before you, how does that resistance rectify anything? It doesn’t - but it sure contributes to feelings of stress, anxiety, heart ache, anger, and resentment. These feelings won’t remain exclusive to what has happened and will sure seep into the other (still) important aspects of your life.

To accept this misfortune is strength - not weakness - on your part. You’re giving yourself permission to live with peace that resentment can never buy. With acceptance, you are well on your way to a new day.

I Think I’m Depressed

There’s sad, and there’s dragging-through-the-mud-and-can’t-get-up lows that last for an unknown amount of time. The problem with such intensity is it comes with the desire to isolate yourself, disinterest in things that you used to love, a decrease in your willingness to take care of yourself, etc. Your mind may be deeply preoccupied with thoughts of inadequacy and rejection and while you’re going through this - it really doesn’t matter how steep divorce rates are or how “typical” break ups can be. Your world has ended until further notice and until you know how to jolt it back to life, the cliches can continue making headlines or slip out of the lips of typical conversation about “people”.

If you suspect severity (clinical depression) in your sadness, I can’t encourage you enough to seek a mental health counselor. I am well aware of the stigma that comes with speaking to a professional or the matching price tag however mental health - the big word here is health. When your mind is suffering to the point of a decrease in normal functioning for a prolonged period of time, you are simply not well. The end of a serious relationship is a loss of sorts and ought to be treated as such. Instead of comparing yourself to who you assume is “well-adjusted”, try to remember that you are your primary responsibility and you owe it to yourself to care of you - even if you feel, today, that it simply doesn’t matter. If you have the financial means, marvelous. If you are covered through health insurance at work/school - I’m excited for you. If you don’t know if you’re covered, I encourage you to check because yes, mental health is something that is taken into account. (What good is it if you’re heart is beating fine if you have no interest in preserving your own health?). Then there’s the free stuff for those who are fortunate enough to have such programs around. Wield the power of google and search for free/low cost community counselors. There are different programs for this very reason.

If you simply can’t or won’t see someone, at least arm yourself with the goods available to you both on and offline. There are myriads of information out there -

However if right now, all you need is a tip or two to get through your day - try these on for size.

- One Day At a Time - and I do mean just one: Your goal is to get through today in mostly one piece. If you must operate through your tasks 70% instead of 100% - do so because not everyone will have the luxury of opting out. Every day, you win by showing up for life and when you hurt like this, this is no small feat.

- Tender, Tender: I take it you’re in enough pain. Cease the artillery - if you messed up on an ordinary task, ok. If you are more absent-minded than usual, ok. If you find yourself needing to release emotions like angeror sadness, ok. If you tackle each task or feeling with care instead of attacking yourself for “feeling this way because he was dead wrong and doesn’t deserve your tears”, you will find that you are alot more at peace with yourself than you are in the faux-strength of denial.

- Read this undeniably useful list of tips

How Do I Live Without You…

It’s the question you never really wanted to have to learn face. Makes for a great song title but the question actually has an answer. I know that if you’re reading this portion of this posting extra carefully, you’re probably gripped in a very real fear. Perhaps you have it ingrained in you that your very survival depends on your former partner/spouse. Perhaps you depended on your partner financially. Without that partner, the house you consider home is now gone, etc. So not only are you suffering emotionally, you have your basic needs being threatened. The beauty of a strengthened mindset - even in small increments per day - is the magnitude of changes that can and will happen for you once you wield it.

It doesn’t matter what the new deficiency is in your life - you ultimately have two choices. The bottom line states that you either allow the circumstances dictate how you live or you wield your right to dictate your circumstances. Know this- people are remarkable and out there, not only is there someone who has been in your heels, there is someone who can help you figure out what to do next. Take solace - no - JOY in the fact that your intent will bring rise to new opportunities and possibilities. When you intend to enjoy your life and to make the most of what you’ve got, you’re holding on to gratitude and releasing the chains of resentment. Imagine how different the world looks when you are basking in gratitude for what you do have, for every small action that presents to you a better day, and for every act of kindness directed towards you. When you’re paying attention, each of these things are like little booster shots that increase your morale and help you feel even more capable.

How do you live without the person you are no longer with? You just decide that you do. There is no magic in this solution but there is such power behind such a decision. The power comes from the fact that yes - it’s HARD to be without him. Yes, it’s PAINFUL that it’s over. But yes - life DOES go on for you and it can be damn good. It’s the process of adapting this mindset that is so freeing and here’s why. When you’ve seen/experienced such pain, the light on the other side shines that much brighter.. It’s the other side that you - at one point - never thought you’d arrive to. So when you do, you feel life.

When you decide to live without the person you are no longer with, you have a brand new opportunity to experience a new aspect of life. It’s back to thinking for just you. It’s back to figuring out how to stand your own company and eventually enjoy it. Sometimes it’s NOT back - sometimes it’s the first time!

I want to suggest a very powerful book that I’ve read and think will be of major use for you if this is where you stand right now. Author Florence Falk wrote the book On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alonewhich comes to mind as I write this because it resonates so deeply with the road to self discovery after a loss of all types. It is even something that can be read by a woman who is currently in a relationship. The purpose of this book is to bring a presence of mind - and arms you with deeply inspiring writings on overcoming the odds and really finding yourself - devastation or not. Since self discovery doesn’t have to wait until a major life disaster, I encourage you to check it out and/or tell a friend. You might want to also check out www.FlorenceFalk.comfor more insight on the author, her purpose, and her book.

Tales of Abandonment

Another post break up complication is the abandonment issues it can instill. The parting doesn’t have to be the stuff prime-time is made of to create the craters in your heart although, for many, it does get that dramatic. Even if he didn’t disappear on you in the middle of the night and run off with someone, the abandonment may feel very present based on the premise that the two of you had an honored connection and it was broken for whatever reason. The reciprocation of giving it your all was only returned in the form of giving yourall back in a box…maybe poorly gift-wrapped in sheer insult at that. So what are you supposed to do with that?

Here’s what’s going on. You’re suffering feelings of abandonment due to a form of rejection. To be rejected is difficult particularly by someone who, at one point, felt that you were more than enough. Why would he change his mind? What happened? “What’s wrong with me?” Those are the questions..rejection can really damage your self-esteem. It’s so painful that often times, some people seek to abandon ship before their partners do to avoid feeling that rejection when they strongly feel an end draws near. As the recipient of such actions, there are several things that you are going to face but amongst them all so I want to spotlight the aspect that I think is most important.

You can seem like you’re “over it” relatively quickly. New pumps and a hair do and you’re good to go. If someone new came into your life, he would be none the wiser and in all fairness, if you’re not conscious of your feelings - then neither are you. But whether that day comes sooner or later, if you’ve never dealt with what those feelings of rejection has done to your self esteem, you will find yourself rehashing old fears in your new life. You may find yourself in a repetitive cycle of running or worst yet - not giving someone a chance to love you. This is exactly the kind of thing I had in mind in the article Overcoming Self Sabotage. It would behoove you to avoid dealing with the abandonment issues this has created or compounded to. When you have a real grip on what’s going on in your heart and mind, you understand and respect the fact that something or someone has hurt you. You make it your business to avoid overgeneralizing. For example, your partner slammed the door and never came back. Yes - that was pretty horrible but you are working on understanding that a) Your partner’s actions are represent him..not you and b) just because he did that doesn’t mean you ooze Reject Me out of your pores. You don’t have to worry that when you go to work in the morning, your boss won’t run the opposite way, screaming bloody murder. This is the beauty of working on yourself - when you know that you emit the best of you, and you are confident in the wonderfulness that is you (not faux - I’m better than you conceit - real, I’m happy to be alive to I’m living confidence) then you can be sure that despite the actions of this person who is now part of your past, you are not “destined” to be abandoned by all who come to know you.

In the meantime, you are weathering something that is traumatic. It just is. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away for you - I really do. But since I can’t, I encourage you to realize that even by reading this article, you are getting a grip of your very own. You are holding on - so the important this is you don’t abandon your own cause, your own life and trust me when I say, it will come together.

To Do - Or Not To Do: Trying Again

Tricky stuff, I’ll admit. Your vision is either clouded with the desperate desire to go back to the way things were or it is greatly improved with a pristine new clarity that will have the two of you running amongst daisy filled fields with afternoons and sun and laughter.

You see, when your vision is clouded, the latter is what you think you’re seeing when, for instance, a call from your ex comes in and he’s wanting to see you something fierce. You think to yourself that clearly your besotted lad has FINALLY come to his senses- that perhaps seeing the world for what it is made him miss you and it will all be better.

You KNOW you’re a good partner, so the change will definitely come now that he has seen the light right?

Well, for alot of people - familiarity is home. When the fast new life of that much desired freedom doesn’t have any familiar grounds to offer some warmth, it’s just easier to come home. Sometimes you/he will simply miss things - completely forgetting the magnitude of what has happened.

Issues that have not been worked on and resolved always come back. Always. Why? Because they are the roots of the weeds in your relationships and like magic- they grow into unavoidable sycamore trees that block direct communication. You may be excited because you remember what USED to be there.. but if both partners are not willing to shoulder the work to cut that tree down.. well.. it won’t be pretty.

At some point, a certain resolve needs to come to play. This isn’t to exercise stubbornness but rather to strengthen your sense of meaning in your own life. You can’t predict if someone you love will change but you can decide what you will and will not accept. It is up to you to say enough when abuse, cheating, or disrespect have to stop. The momentary pleasure of a one-night reunion does not trump your need for self respect. ESPECIALLY when you are noticing a pattern - sexually or emotionally - you owe to yourself to ask the question “Am I working towards my recovery or am I stunting my own growth? Is this honestly good for me or does it just feel good for a moment and I just can’t let go”

We all know what we “should” be doing. We should be keeping healthy, we should be kind to others, we should call our moms. This is one of those instances where the should is strong and imminent. May a trip down memory lane via past journal entries will remind you of the magnitude of your misery during the end. Is it worth it - to go back or are you fooling yourself? If it isn’t for you, how much more will this take out of you?

Clearly, this is something only you can answer but seriously, try to answer it for yourself - not leave it in the air while that phone call/text/him-showing-up-at-the-door-looking-unreasonably-good moment happens.

Seeing with true clarity respects your holistic sense of self - not feed into the temporary, albeit seemingly huge season of desperation, loneliness, and sadness. You may be trying to stifle the effects of those feelings of abandonment.. but they will still be there. It may seem like it.. but he can’t fix them for you - what’s done, is done. It’s your call from here on out.

Love…Again

So what do you say- will you ever love again? You hold a hand in that answer depending on what you decide to attract into your every day life. Even if you attract men like bees into honey, think about this. Will you allow resentment to build exponentially and prevent you from appreciating kind gestures? Will you allow your fear of more abandonment prevent you from allowing a relationship to exist (because damn him if he too crushes that sweet heart of yours?)

Maybe you can’t see it today but one of the greatest beauties in life is the ability to have love. From a new partner, from family, from friends, from even strangers. Don’t prevent access from any of these sources by living in your past defined by the actions of your ex. I know how hard it can be to let go *insert scoff of familiarity* but it’s when you pry your fingers from the grips of your last relationship that you realize “Wow..he had power over me long after he was gone!” “Whoa - I think I feel better today!” “Wait. You mean .. there are .. other men out there? For me? Seriously?”

Laugh if you will but when your End All Be All has ended it, you sort of forget that chemistry, companionship, and joy can come from elsewhere. The key is to remember not to latch your dependence for happiness from that last relationship into a possible new one. If you depend on someone else to make you feel worthwhile, you will always be disappointed because even angels have their days of rest.

You can and will love again if you really want to. Even if you aren’t ready for any of that, take that sweet FYI and tuck it away someplace safe an accessible. One day, when you feel better, remembering that will help open the gates to new possibilities.

In the Meantime

For all that deep stuff you are going to have to deal with, there’s the every day life to exist in. Make sure you don’t isolate yourself. Isolation is extremely attractive when you are not trying to hear other people’s inputs, observations, unsolicited advice, or perhaps even expectations that you ought to be “over it” by now. Trust in your solid support system. Even if you need a time out from them, chatting with a new friend or getting involved in your community somehow allows you to input your energies in things other than the self loathing. Do things you enjoy. This is your opportunity to do things you couldn’t! Come on - sure you loved him and Fido but he really wasn’t keen of your plans for trips to.. wherever. This is your chance to recruit those who would absolutely love your company and revel in the fact that everyone is having an amazing time and really enjoying your presence. Not only will doing this continually will challenge your thoughts on “Am I a person someone would love to be around” and abandonment, it just feels good to be appreciated. Two more points for you if you decide to help someone else feel appreciated. The charges that good will can spark off between people are such healing, life enhancing moments.

You know what ELSE is extremely attractive? The legal crack that is junk food. Unlimited portions of sweet/salty - whatever your vice may be. Both Ben and Jerry will love you as long as you will let them. Of course - live a little. However, don’t let yourself go. Sloth is a leech of an animal that just feeds itself and drains you of all will to do anything. Nurture that body of yours. You are already dealing with an emotional beating..take care of the vessel that has to house it all. When you feel good, it just helps your heart feel good. It helps you clear your mind. You don’t have to loathe getting up every morning because you don’t feel well physically as well as emotionally. Remember, it’s not all in your head- heart break has a huge impact on your entire being. So give yourself that special treatment and take care of every inch of the goodness that is you. You get to have that. Eventually, when you begin to feel as attractive as you already are again - because you cared about yourself enough to take care of you.

Last but not least, if you are a person of faith - or even flirt with the concept - utilize it to carry you through the things you just cannot understand. Since all the answers are not always there, written on the wall for you to scrutinize, sometimes you are just going to need something bigger than you to help you transcend the technicalities that you can’t let go. You will need a source of strength available to you for both the deep stuff and the every day stuff you go through as you begin to learn and shift your mindset. When ambivalence threatens to rob you of the gains you were meant to make with your growth, you faith and beliefs fill in the blanks and give you something no posting, book, logical or anything can ever give you - and that’s that fuel to push you through. Sometimes, words won’t help you - but that connection will - amazingly so. When you’ve got nothing left to lose, what does it hurt you to look up and realize that this was an option all along? Let that connection work its way in your life - and allow it to strengthen you for the better through the worst.

I close this post with (( hugs )) of support. You can do this and live to tell about it. Happily at that.

I wish you a very real happiness and access to the unlimited source of personal strength and wellness available to you. Regardless of what you ex does or doesn’t see - all that matters is what you know and what you live by from now on.

Photos by: movimente, Face it., and Ricardo Machado

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