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There is a special kind of connection available to couples everywhere. *Ahem* Available being the operative word. After all, we’re saturated with scary divorce stats, horror stories and bad experiences. We’ve all witnessed more than our share of the reprehensible behavior between couples. What’s a good prime time drama without a decent backstab between lovers? And often, girls/guys nights out are flooded with ‘empowering’ acts of thumbs down to the opposite sex for anything outside of self gratification. So it makes perfect sense that a good lot of us hold an attitude of what we think is self preservation and build a nice wall around ourselves with black and white stills of horrors from the past hung up as infallible reminders. This is where the tucking real emotions away begins. Facades of perfection to stave singleness away. If you’ve ever been with someone and had to endure a fight where the methods of attack were using not-so-delightful bits of your past as arsenal, well, you know better than gifting anyone new a history about yourself.
In one sense, you are successful with this method. You’ve got yourself decent partnership with a nice enough person and you don’t have to show up to dinner parties alone. You experience superficial passions and what you don’t get from him, a decent soap should be able to provide. The important thing is you’re not alone and…well.. this is what it’s supposed to be anyway right? The exhilarating highs between couples you read about seem to be exclusive to new relationships, torrid affairs, and high school.
However, in the other sense, the bigger sense, you are unsuccessful with this method. Superficial relationships are a cornerstone of passive living. You can technically go through life never being single without setting standards for the type of connections you wish to have in your life. The thing is you can’t experience the intoxicating high of a real connection with someone if you don’t exchange the honesty of who you are, what you feel, what you see, and what you experience. You can experience substitutes through lust - but I daresay those substitutes are inadequate compared to the real thing. That inadequacy leads to a quickly depleted source of your excitement in which resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration, and all sorts of ditto type emotions settle in.
What usually happens when the substitute absolutely can’t strike that match quite right anymore? There’s the resignated coexistence if you’re too nice to run for the hills (or too scared). There’s the cheating (people have all sorts of reasons, but this would be one of the big ones.) And then, there’s the heartbreaking quitting. Doesn’t matter how good it was at first. Doesn’t matter how ready someone is to chuck the other person out the door. It never feels good to have someone quit you.
When you have these possible conclusions in the back of your mind from the very beginning, it’s easy to want to operate some sort of damage control by making absolutely sure you’re “holding all the cards”. With your preoccupation on keeping the upper hand, you lose sight of what your relationship might have looked like without all the strings attached. Worse yet, if you are wrapped up in a self-sabotaging pattern of bobbing and weaving in and out of “relationships” because you hate to be alone - but feel alone with people anyway, well then, hopefully this post will provide a face to the monster that is wreaking havoc in your love life.
Emotionally Naked
The thing is, if you are in a relationship with someone you know you can genuinely trust, it is worth it to promote your own personal growth as well as his by working on building the trust required to do the aforementioned suggestions with a willing heart. It’s that damaged trust from past experiences that is getting in your way now. It’s clinging to the behaviors of others that make you “see” the same things in the person you are with (unless, of course, you are actually with a carbon copy of someone in your past). You may think hiding your feelings like- for instance- anger or discomfort with something he has done is creating the dream relationship (because then - duh - no fighting) but that just isn’t true. What it’s doing is undermining the openness required for a connection. It is pretending. How can someone truly love you if he doesn’t really know you and vice versa? The desire to keep someone in your life by controlling the river of truths with a dam ( your wall) is, in actuality, keeping someone in love with a facade. This is where the disenchantment you feel will come from. Whether you acknowledge it or not, what you are experiencing with this person isn’t real. And staged love will get you only so far.
That heart of yours needs to experience love in it’s birthday suit. If you are willing to initiate a connection with a trustworthy man in your life, showing your wounds counts. Voicing your fears, listening to his thoughts, expressing your love with AND without sex all counts. Small actions that promote trust count just as much as noble white knight moments of valour and romance. Acknowledge his efforts to comfort you. Notice his own openness and react to it with a loving reception. Put your carving knife away - you are not looking to force change in him appropriate to what you would have done with your exes. Remember that these are separate situations. Different men. Different lifetimes. Different hearts. You want to experience a mind blowing communion of love? Tap into it by sharing it without expectations and without judgement. I know this can be heavy to consider because that kind of intensity requires a whole lot shedding and a whole lot of patience. But isn’t the love in your life worth the emotional effort?
Think of it this way.
Strings of meaningless relations, or a long dissatisfying relationship ALL require emotional effort except in those aspects, you are investing years of your life into realms of stress, sadness, anger, frustration, and loneliness. Wouldn’t you much rather invest that emotional effort in the pleasurable, loving ways that vulnerability in love will provide? With the scary that it serves comes the comfort when it is received. Choose good things for your life and the love that’s all up in it.
No Strings Attached
If you took a chance on someone special, setting up booby traps just to “make sure” is setting the entire thing up for yet another disappointment. Devious schemes, word watching, translating one thing for what it MUST be - you’re lacing a good thing with bad expectations and those bad expectations just may be met. This doesn’t mean smile like Polyanna when something is hurting you and basking in ignorance. But ultimatums (if he hangs out with the guys tonight, mannnn…..he’s getting punched in the neck) are loaded and lets face it. People aren’t mind readers. It doesn’t mean that they can’t be trusted. It may mean they need a clue gifted by you. Some may say it’s complicated but truth is, we make it complicated. I write this with the serious relationship in mind and with the (maybe foolish) assumption that certain kinks like clowns, players, and immature people who don’t stand a chance isn’t who you’re dealing with. With that baseline being true, then yes, it really is that simple. Be honest with no strings attached. If you’re upset, say something. Don’t forget to maintain your personal standards so that they are met. With that in mind, there’s no need for booby traps in relationships. That’s not seeing IF your relationship is going to fail. That’s a big, fat WHEN.
How to Get That Great Kind of Love For Yourself
Let’s take a step outside of daytime drama to find the kind of passion you’re looking for. The ultimate way to attract the kind of love that you can trust in Bury-Your-Face-In-His-Chest type goodness is by being the kind of person you want to find in someone. Like attracts like. Love encourages love. A tip from Oprah (I looove me some Oprah) is writing yourself a love list. Everything you want in your partner? You write it down. It’s your list so go wild. Don’t stop at “hot” and “rich” 
. List all the things you would find in your ideal partner. Now after you’ve enjoyed this super fun activity (it’s like build-a-man workshop), take a nice honest look at how much of that list is consistent with who you are. Generous loves Scrooge? Affectionate hearts Ice Queen? Faithful digs Stepper-Outter? You see my point. Be the best of that wonderful you and not only when you’re in the spotlight. Ingrain good energies and acts of kindness into your daily life. Plus you are perfectly justified in splurging on a gorgeous pair of heels and lipstick because “Attractive” and “Cares for Self” is on that list too! (You like how I worked the shoes in there right? Me too.)
You want to be the goodness described on HIS love list too. You encourage modes of honesty by being honest yourself. You want to take responsibility for the type of treatment you attract by treating yourself with the utmost respect.
Fighting Fair
To Win, Or Not to Win - that is the question. Princesses and their Prince Charmings fight. It happens. Whatever you do, don’t fight dirty and utilize his past failures or perceived inadequacies to make your point. Not only isn’t it emotionally disarming and exceedingly hurtful, it is a sure fire way to make sure someone doesn’t trust you during the good days. His dirty socks does not call for pointing out his inability to get that promotion yet. One has nothing to do with the other. This would be the very reason why being open and vulnerable in a relationship is hard, if not harder, for guys - the prideful (love ya!) people that they are who are already not into the mushy stuff now feel justified in telling you nothing more than *grunt*.
Besides - you shouldn’t have to suffer that either. If it has ever happened to you, you know how much it hurts. Do unto others.. you know the rest.
Loving Someone Who Has Closed His Doors
There is that insane urge to take someone you see that has *potential* and try to change him into your ideal mate. Your hands itch and your eyes are focused on your prize. And so you might want to work and work on him and find yourself hurt over and over again. The key thing to remember is change is initiated by self. You can’t change someone else. You may inspire someone by example to look into him/herself and to want more out of life. But the only part you play in that inspiration is by being alive and displaying your example. It is up to that person to be receptive. It is up to that person to listen. It is up to that person to want change. The best you can do is talk about it. But doing that a whole lot turns into “nagging” and is ultimately obsolete.
If you love someone who wants you too but has his emotional Special Forces on guard around his heart, you have a decision to make. You have to bear in mind that you need to respect someone’s right to withdraw, to protect, or whatever else it is he wants to do with himself. You also need to respect your own feelings. I don’t say this with the intention to have someone say “Oh, well, you’re not open. To hell with you!”
… No.
I say this to encourage you to navigate your choices being open with YOURSELF. For some people, it’s just as hard to be honest with herself as it is with other people. You know who you think is worth waiting for and who is a project for the sake of loneliness. You know when you both are going through a rough patch and when you’re just terrified of being single again. Worst yet, you know when you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. You know - you just have to ask yourself the right questions.
It’s that heightened sense of consciousness that grants you a richer sense of life and lets you experience a deeper sense of love.
If you’re lucky enough to have a wonderful special someone in your life, congrats - the hardest part is over. The good part is when you capitalize on the amazing amount of positive energy available to the two of you. Intimately speaking, when you want to really connect with your partner, you let it all out (ok, within reason. You’ve got your right to privacy :) ). Your mind isn’t covering who you are with intelligent games meant to conceal your fears. You are creating an environment that encourages an openness from your partner by showing your wounds, your joys, your sorrows. You aren’t sitting with a beer bottle in hand ready to hit him over the head if he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings on cue. It’s a loving atmosphere that you contribute to and a positive energy that you coax on out. It’s a continuing process that isn’t exclusive to nights with champagne. Instead, it is a behavior that happens on a regular basis that exudes honesty in both the words you whisper and the actions you display. Your words and your actions should be consistent with each other. For instance, say “I trust you wholeheartedly sweetheart” while you stand across the room with your arms folded and a frown and let me know how that works out for you .
Maybe if you strip some of that mound of gauze you have wrapped over a previously broken heart, you can experience a closeness with the heart of your loved one - a closeness that holds your tender aches and pained wounds and helps you heal in a way you never knew possible. It’s ok to be vulnerable. After all, it is love that holds you up when you’re tired of holding that stiff upper lip. And I promise - it feels so much better.
When I think of intimacy, one of things I immediately think of inside jokes and laughter. What are your tips for hiking up the intimacy with someone you love?
Photos by: greenapplegrenade, ferran and Katie Tegtmeyer
