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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words’ll never hurt me”.
…
I don’t agree with that statement.
If you’re an individual who is pretty efficient and zoning out when people lash out comments meant to break your spirit, you may chant that to your merry heart’s content.
But what if you have heard things that put you down - over and over again? As a person in a toxic relationship, or as a child whose family member made it their business to shred your dreams for breakfast - some lasting damage can really be done.
One may not always think of it that way, however -
If you find yourself doubting your capabilities - and that is your norm;
If you find yourself constantly gravitating to people who continue to chip at your self esteem;
If its your norm to dodge opportunities because negative opinions echo in your mind;
That’s all negative programming and you are functioning with those opinions as your guideline.
Often times you might hear someone say “Be Positive!”
What does that mean when you’ve been programmed with the negative untruths of your past? All you might hear when told “be positive” is “smile and nod ’til this well-meaning person goes away”. All you might feel when told “You are so beautiful; you are awesome; you’re so TALENTED!” is *the sound of crickets*
The worst part is - you don’t WANT to disagree. Really, you don’t.
Not only is it unfair, its unnecessary. But what has been done, is done. The key is - HOW do you change your mindset?
After thinking a certain way for so long - how on earth do you initiate the kind of change that gives you a real handle on the direction your life is going?
What’s a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?
The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come ‘true’. -Robert K. Merton (the sociologist that coined the term)
So simply stated, a self-fulling prophecy would be something you were told/believe that ISN’T your truth - and in believing it, you begin to act in ways that will make the statement true as an end result. This is something found in negative connotations and it manifests itself over and over. Maddening, I know.
The Truth about Untruths
First off, one of the most difficult things to face when someone is telling you something like “No one will ever love you” is the perfect matching to thoughts you secretly have or suspect about yourself. Suppose you have trouble with managing your money and you feel dumb because you often make mistakes and great, here comes What’s-His-Face calling you an idiot for the umpteenth time because you miscalculated again or didn’t realize that you made a bad move until its too late.
You may then take the experience of your misfortune and use it to validate and prove What’s-His-Face as correct. You may completely skip the thoughts that suggest you possibly make these mistakes because you’ve never been taught how to handle money and can benefit from some instruction meant to empower you with knowledge.
Even if you were too young to have secretly thought negative things that maybe a parent voiced to you, it’s been proven time and time again that if you’re consistently told you’re stupid or incapable you grow up fulfilling that prophecy.
You may sabotage yourself, not knowing why, and not even realizing that your behaviors are under your control. It may just be end results that come from believing the negative thoughts that continue to reinforce the untruths that cause them to begin with!
And then there is also the accumulation of negative stereotypes, group beliefs, and confirmations from others that can plague you to no end. If the general belief is that “your type” isn’t smart, capable of succeeding, most likely to fail in life, etc - you have an accumulation of opinions to face. Quite often, people find themselves behaving to match those stereotypical beliefs about them found in the media, news, and society at large and soon enough, those beliefs become their own. It’s painful because as you grow up and these opinions are reinforced by yourself and/or others, it feels as though you are cemented in a thought pattern meant to destroy you. And in a way, you are. Until you know better of course.
Little do you know how much power you actually have to give yourself the gift of love and remove yourself from the hamster wheel that gets your nowhere - fast.
Deprogramming the Untruths of Your Past
One of the first things you may have to do if you find yourself plagued with thought patterns that consist of disabling you from being happy, productive, capable, or confident is to dig deep and try to remember the first time you started to feel that way. Maybe you don’t have to think too far back with What’s-His-Face stuffing his face right across from you. Or maybe he’s just one of many men that do it to you. Perhaps you can think back to a parent that Went There time and time again. Whatever your starting point is - go back and identify it the best that you can.
Why?
I suggest doing this because you need to realize just how much time was put into telling yourself that whatever he/she said was true. This is why isolated instances of saying “I’m better now” may not do the trick in undoing what has been done to your thought process. You need to realize that in order to overcome this, you’ve got work to do. It’s going to take time but the great thing about it is, every time you challenge a destructive impulse with a positive thought and action, it’s another notch on your belt towards your recovery and it feels really good each and every time.
It’s going to cause you to develop a mental strength that is channeled towards your capabilities instead of supposed impossibilities. When you receive a compliment, they will no longer be “lies from nice people” but rather - the observant recognition from a person who sees something worth noting and did so outloud.
Most importantly?
You get your life back. Or maybe, you get to experience it as your own for the first time instead of by the strings from the puppeteers that stifle your every move.
I promise - it feels so great to really be able to think for yourself and not allow the echoes of the past haunt you. Moving forward, read on to see how you shatter the self-fulfilling prophecies that incessantly get in your way.
Butting Heads With Lies Disguised as Facts
Do you know how to recognize the lies in sheep’s clothing?
Here are some clues. They often start off with words or notions like “I can’t do that because people like me…”, “I don’t deserve…”. “I’m not the leader type”.
Notice any consistencies? The negatives that keep showing up like a bad pest problem. Now, you may argue that these thoughts are indeed true. However - they are true as long as you make them so. The people who seem effortless and natural at the things you would like to do often have been developing those skills over time. It started with “Wow, you did an awesome job with show-and-tell Janey!” to “Janey’s really good at public speaking”. That whole time, the positive reinforcement that comes every time Janey speaks fuels her desire to do it again, better each and every time. Whereas you - you swear that speaking in public is cruel and unusual punishment, therefore avoiding the task and voila - no opportunities to develop a skill that you definitely could have wielded in your arsenal.
Your job is to recognize the lies and butt heads with them. Head on. You are to challenge the negative comments you make to yourself by rephrasing the statements.
This isn’t a meaningless exercise - not in the very least. In fact, it requires consciousness. The negative self-talk is often on auto pilot. You’re going to have to actually pay attention to the things you tend to think in order to rephrase them.
So butting heads would look something like-
“I am so fat, no one would ev—-” to “I am easy to love, beautiful, and am working on positive changes. And that’s why I’m a rockstar.” (Ok, I added the rockstar part for flavor.)
“Men don’t want me for anything other tha—-” to “There are some great guys out there who want all of me - those are the ones I will be dating from now on”
“There is NO way I can—-” to “Hmmm…I’ve never done this before. How do I pull this off? Maybe I should read about how so-and-so did it for some clues”.
In order for you to start believing that the bad thoughts that get in your way are not true, you’ve got to point ‘em out as lies. Even if at first it doesn’t feel natural, do it. You’re right - it isn’t natural for you - YET. But you’re in the business of reprogramming your thought process. So hogwash - It’s ON.
Over and Over
What I said above is all great - but it’s fruitless if you do it once and go back into your funk because it felt “forced” or like silly mind games. The magic comes from hearing the good stuff over and over. Think of them as points you earn or something. You want alot more than one to win this. You want to continually and quite actively challenge the messages that tell you that you can’t. Remember, you got here because whether you realize it or not, there was consistency and much regularity in pushing your head under. It took time. It took alot of repeating. Maybe someone said something once and you kept repeating it in your mind - or maybe you kept hearing “You won’t ever be able to..” over and over again.
So take your goods and feed your mind over and over again. Grab yourself a positive mantra that you repeat every morning. Learn to look yourself in the eyes when you’re staring in the mirror and repeat that mantra. Make it a practice that will soon become ingrained. Go on with your day, engaged with your own thoughts and continue to butt heads with the nonsense. Sooner or later, the practice of consistency will pay off beautifully. Oh happy day!
Creating the Proof You Need
This is one step up from the good words to the good deeds. Most likely, you need proof. When you sputtered during your speech, it was the proof you needed that stated you sucked at speaking in public. So in order to get the proof you need to prove that the good things you’re telling yourself are true, you’re going to need to initiate actions - large or small - that challenge what you’ve thought in the past. You can take the statement “I’m not a runner” to “I am training myself to run” and create the proof you need by daring to step onto that treadmill or track and amaze yourself with the accumulation of small gains that eventually turn you into a runner.
Skills need to be developed. Opportunities are available to you. You didn’t see them as opportunities at first. Maybe you saw them more as life taunting you for kicks. But no - they are opportunities that will give you that proof. When you execute said task, even if it wasn’t a huge one, it defies what you were believing this entire time. Of COURSE you can get an A! Instead of avoiding the studying you SHOULD be doing because you “won’t get it anyway”, your study hours are your opportunity to see what happens if you actually tried. And when that A comes, not only will be sweet, you’re going to want to do it again.
See? Proof. Get some.
Indulging in Your Success
This isn’t conceit or the perils of jerkdom. This is you acknowledging the success that come to past. This is crucial.
Whether you notice it or not, you’ve acknowledged all the things that “proved” you were a failure. You know - when you say “See? I knew I couldn’t do it”…that’s acknowledgment.
So a pat on the back is good practice. This is more positive self talk that feeds your heart with love for yourself. These things link up to sequences that beginning to build a new frame of mind. You can reward yourself with “Great JOB!” or a pedicure. Whatever floats your boat. The point is, each time you make more proof, you mentally point it out. Feeling good is addictive - so do it again and again and you’ll see!
Dealing With The People Who Don’t Believe In You
Oh right. The folks that contributed to the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing in the first place.
Well here are a couple of things that you may be able to do.
If it is within your power to remove yourself from such company, by all means, do so. They will continue to emit that negative energy and that’s definitely something you don’t need - especially at the beginning of the reprogramming of your state of mind. If you’re thinking “I can’t live without him”.. you know what to do with that. This is particularly true if the relationship only feeds you grief and pain.
If you can’t get out of there for whatever reason, there is something I encourage you to remember. Those words being spewed at you have no power without your consent. This person is reflecting issues within him or herself that are not your reality, no matter how convincing this person may be. Easier said than done - until you have vehemently made it your resolve to heal.
You’re too busy challenging those notions.
You’re too busy being your best self.
May your eyes glaze over in disinterest, or may your rebuttal be short, sweet, and effective.
May that person’s scoff fly out of your mind like a boring commercial because you know it’s all fluff conspiring against you. And you also know you don’t need that garbage.
Dare to Care About Yourself
Last but not least - this is ALL possible once you make it your business to recognize you deserve to feel good about being alive. Who says you are destined for mediocrity and self pity?
Other than the people we’re ignoring (remember?)
Don’t you realize that no one can take your life and run it on the correct track for you?
Don’t you see that you may come across and inspiring individual, a great example, InMyHeels.com (which you are CONVINCED you ought to subscribe to if you haven’t already, heh heh) - and it all means nothing if you don’t think you don’t count enough to utilize the positive for yourself?
It doesn’t matter what has been said anymore. Those words have no power -
Dare to care about yourself. Dare to realize that the possibilities have always been there - you just have a bigger picture to adjust your eyes to. You may blink and struggle at first. But sooner or later, you’ll adjust to see outside of the box and beyond.
That’s all you.
You want something to fulfill? Dreams and goals are an excellent starting point. Dare to dream about a happier, content, much more capable you.
Once you’ve tried it - and I mean REALLY tried it - you’ll realize there’s a lot more where that came from. So love it - love life. Finally.
Links You May Love
If this post resonated with you, check out these pieces by other bloggers with heart to help you heal yours.
The Art of Self Loving; a Puja to Yourself by Jonathan Mead of JonathanMead.com
Challenging Negative Thoughts by David Rogers of Confident1.com
3 Steps to the Freedom from the Painful Past by Shilpan of SuccessSoul.com
and a little something extra for the guys I know are reading this blog 
Why Self Limiting Beliefs are your Worst Enemy When It Comes to Approaching Girls by Alex Kay of JustKeeptheChange.com
Photo by: Proverbs 31:10
JEMi,
What a wonderful post. it’s amazing that all we achieve in life or lack to achieve is only because of limitations we impose on our mind. You’ve hit the nail here. Thanks for the link. I am grateful for that.
Shilpan
Shilpan | successsoul.com’s last blog post..3 Life Lessons from 3 Months of Blogging
I agree with everything you said… just wanted to add that if a person is a survivor of childhood emotional abuse, she will likely need professional help in order to truly free herself from the self-hatred that was ingrained in her.
Vered - MomGrind’s last blog post..Best Shot Monday: a Weekend in Mexico
@ Shilpan: Thank you! The link provided def. should be shared- its a great post
@ Vered: I completely agree with you here. The exploration and problem solving with a therapist who is focused on your well being can really make a positive difference. Thanks for the comment!
Hi JEMi,
You’ve hit on an issue that many face. For some it’s a bigger problem than for others. Emotional abuse can be just as cruel (and sometimes worse) than physical abuse. Those internal bruises can take a lifetime to heal, and some, go to their grave believing all the negativity they experienced.
Your advice is solid, as is the advice shared in the comment from Vered.
The sooner a person can learn to deal with the negativity that plagues their thought process (and getting to the root of the problem), the sooner they can begin living a full life, find hope and break a vicious cycle that may have been born many generations before.
JEMi, thank you for spotlighting a problem most blogs won’t touch. Your advice will undoubtedly help many.
You’re awesome!
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Blogging - Year One - Lesson Nine
this was an amazing post. truly.
I really enjoyed this article. You have to make yourself for your first priority.
Thanks for the link as well. =)
Jonathan
Jonathan Mead’s last blog post..The Art of Self Loving; a Puja to Yourself
I definitely like the idea of “Daring To Care For Yourself”. Many of us do not realise that we owe it to ourselves to nurture and bring out our very best. We are so involved in self sabotage, constantly negating our dreams and desires. It is no wonder that we are so unhappy and caught in a vicious cycle of negativity. Even caring for ourselves becomes a dare, because it has been forgotten and buried for a long time.
Great post! Enjoyed it!
Thks for sharing,
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..BE One With The Spoon - and The Universe
Hi Jemi, great and complete message on defeating our negative thoughts. It reminded me of one message that I have ever written about 5 questions to ask our little voice. One statement I like “Thank you for sharing”. Thanks for reminding me again, I’ve got negative thoughts recently.
Here is the article I’d like to share with you.
5 questions to ask your little voice
Actually, it’s 4 questions 1 statement (LOL =D)
Cheers,
Robert
Robert A. Henru’s last blog post..How to win extroverts in selling and networking
Hi Jemi
Your writing betrays a passion for the subject. I’m impressed. Great article. Shall have to explore here more. People use a lot of tricks to shift their attention. I found culturing a sense of gratitude (a la Secret gratitude rock) was a magic trick for me. I’ve also found that many people come into their life with a story, perhaps of anger or blame. I call it the shadow. At around the age of 9 (it varies), an event comes along in the life that they latch onto to enliven this story. We could call it ‘first proof’. The ego then proceeds to look for further proofs in its effort to make the story real.
This is why you see people come out of an abusive family unscathed, yet another comes out of a typical family with an exaggerated drama.
In other words,what you post about and the effort to clear it is far more profound than just getting a little sanity in our lives. It is the doorway to our purpose, to real happiness, and to our dreams made real.
Davidya’s last blog post..The Electric Sun
hey JEMi!
AMAZING post. It’s crazy. It’s like you’re in my head, and know my past exactly. I’m going to start working on making myself better right now. Thank you SOO much.
As a life coach I often look at self development posts from a professional prospective and can be a tad overly critical, sometimes I have to admit looking for things to disagree with. That’s because I have seen many well meaning posts give terrible ill-informed advice and it worries me that people follow such advice.
I’ve never thought that about any of JEMi’s posts. This is another great example! If I were to have a slight disagreement it would be to say that it’s not always necessary to get to the root cause, especially if it’s a traumatic one, but that is a very minor gripe about an excellent article.
I wrote a 10,000 word e-book about change and JEMi has summed a lot of it up in a very succinct and eloquently delivered post. Two quick ways to deal with beliefs and situations that may help.
Undermining: Look at the belief or concern that is at hand. Think of ways in which it is in accurate or could be mistaken. Look for evidence when this has not been the case or when you have managed to deal with similar occurrences successfully (Important: they do not have to be identical, just look for common threads running through). If there are no examples like that, look for cases where other people have done whatever it is so you know it is possible. Just do whatever is necessary to obliterate and ridicule it. Is it worth worrying about and can I deal with it if that eventuality should actually play out?” This is not being unrealistic and it is not burying your head in the sand, it is being sensible. Any beliefs that hold you back from achieving your full potential need to be eradicated. Too many people think that they are being realistic by worrying about stuff that may never happen! It’s neither realistic nor helpful
Reframing: I love reframing because you can have real fun with it and it is a simple way to shift focus and emphasis. The starting point is accepting that there are always alternative positive ways to look at something. Take a belief, situation, conversation etc and try and look at it from another point of view. Come up with as many positive scenarios as possible and don’t give up until you get at least one new perspective that makes you feel better about it. You can reframe pretty much anything when you get good at it. Simply ask yourself the question “What else could this mean?”
I
@ Barbara: Thank you for your continuing support! It means so much to me. And yes, Vered made an excellent point!
@ Jonathan:
No problem! You’ve got some good stuff on that blog of yours
@ Evelyn: Hey! I’m really glad you enjoyed the post. Yeah, I said dare because sometimes I find that we feel like we actually don’t deserve our own self love and so we avoid things that could better ourselves emotionally like the plague. You’re right, it IS a vicious cycle. Thanks for stopping by!
@ Robert: Thank you for the link and yes.. we can all use some reminding.. I know I sure can at times
@ Davidya: I really appreciate the kind remarks and feedback, Davidya. This comment you made - “This is why you see people come out of an abusive family unscathed, yet another comes out of a typical family with an exaggerated drama.” - I tend to often wonder about that.
And I strongly feel that its more than a tip - often time this gets in the way of lives for years and years - and though this is just a blog post, I would hope it can illicit enough curiosity in the people who see it and get them to investigate their lives.
Thanks for your input!
@ DeLoren: Haha that’s right man.. I’m in your head! Nah, not really - but I hope it really helps. You know that I’m rooting for you allll the way!
@ Tim: Wow, Tim, THANK YOU for your input! I thought about your ‘minor gripe’ as you call it and I agree
When its a traumatic event, theres no need to wallow - it isnt helping. I supposed I wanted to draw out a timeline in the mind of the reader so that they might understand that for all the time this damage was accumulating, it will take more than one or two stabs at what needs to be gradual and consistent improvement in order to really find their way up and out
and about that E-Book.. that reminds me I’m going to have to knock on your online door - as I would like to offer it to the wonderful readers of InMyHeels.com
Because youve got some great things to offer and I would love to share them!
I agree with Vered that for a lot of people a good therapist is crucial for healing, particularly when we often don’t even realize the warped nature of our thinking. Even if we can get past that point of constantly putting ourself down verbally, we may carry so many limiting beliefs around inside ourselves and these in turn change the way we behave and what we accept for ourself in the world.
When I was in my late teens and early twenties men often told me I was “difficult”, which appeared to equate with having opinions, seeking equal rights and respect. Even though I told myself that I would find the right man for me (and I did) I didn’t realize until many years later that I had in fact processed these words and acted as if they were true. I used to think I was LUCKY to have my husband. How awful is that?
It took years to see that I am not a simple cliche of “difficult” or a “ball breaker”. I am just me - soft, hard, argumentative, loving, tough, generous, shy, loud, smart, nurturing, intuitive and more than a bit of a loon. I won’t be defined by others anymore, but it takes a lot of work to get to that self acceptance and it’s a wavering state.
Great article and an important topic.
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post..What is the Music of Your Life?
Very thought provoking post–and you bring up some great points. I feel, that in question to how does one gain control in this sense, the reality is it can take time. Often, quite a lot of time.
Anything truly worthwhile in life requires tremendous effort, mastering the mind and spirit in this way is no different. I have found, the things that are hardest for me to change–often take the longest. It’s not an over night proposition. It’s more like a, give it all you got day in and day out one… Train train train your mind! Hopefully we will, in due time, get to that place we are working so diligently to get to! And getting there is often a process, but great headway can be made throughout the journey.
What an insightful article - most parts of your post are directly matching my own experiences! JEMi, thank you so much for sharing!
Until recently I did not think of the ability to change such behaviors as a matter of “strategy”. I just somehow felt I “could not get there”, a diffuse feeling of constantly stumbling around a possible solution without realizing what it actually looked like.
A friend of mine likes to say, “choose to play games you can win”.
The accumulation of small successes helps to build faith in one’s own potential and abilities. For me a good illustrative example is juggling. In February I bought juggling balls and just started. Whenever a ball landed on the floor, I just picked it up again and carried on, until I “mastered” that particular trick. Then I chose another trick with slightly increased difficulty, and repeated … you get the picture.
Playful as it sounds, for me this has become a powerful reference experience. Just reminding myself of juggling gives me a boost of confidence for other things, too. Unlearning unwholesome patterns, or “untruths”, adds some extra weight to the challenge. I remember that Albert (http://www.urbanmonk.net/) sometimes writes about this subject, too.
Thanks again for this excellent article and comments.
Heimdall’s last blog post..Hold Fast Your Dreams!
Hi JEMi - as someone who used to think they were possibly the worst at everything in the whole world, I have to say that you will definitely have made a big difference to many people with this post.
I hope others will really take in what you have to say and change their negative self-beliefs.
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..But …Maybe You Should Button It?
@ Kelly: Thank you for sharing your story with us. BTW, I know just how awful the “lucky” thing is - I’ve definitely been there! That self acceptance IS a wavering state which is why it takes more than a one time quick fix to get us to that level of balance. And sometimes its just too much to get to alone - thats why I loved Vered’s input too. Thanks Kel!
@ Bamboo: Welcome to InMyHeels.com
I cannot discount a single bit about your comment on time and how necessary it is. Its hard to realize when you spend so much of that time being miserable. Time can work in our favor too though. Thanks for your comment!
@ Heimdall: Fantastic! Juggling! I appreciate your story Heimdall - and yes that accumulation is the critical step. The accumulation of small successes IS the strategy we need to employ. Oh and thanks for mentioning Albert as he is a favorite blogger of mine - UrbanMonk.net is an excellent site.
@ Cath: Hey Cath! I have the very same hope. I work on the constant negation thing myself. Despite my optimism for others, I would shortchange myself quite often. These things that I have learned have made a big difference in my own life. Always good to see you here - thanks for the comment
Beautiful article Jemi. I really like your writing style
I’m not a psychic but I see myself visiting your site a lot in the future 
RJ’s last blog post..Finance Monday.