@ Bamboo: Welcome to InMyHeels.com I cannot discount a single bit about your comment on time and how necessary it is. Its hard to realize when you spend so much of that time being miserable. Time can work in our favor too though. Thanks for your comment!

@ Heimdall: Fantastic! Juggling! I appreciate your story Heimdall - and yes that accumulation is the critical step. The accumulation of small successes IS the strategy we need to employ. Oh and thanks for mentioning Albert as he is a favorite blogger of mine - UrbanMonk.net is an excellent site.

@ Cath: Hey Cath! I have the very same hope. I work on the constant negation thing myself. Despite my optimism for others, I would shortchange myself quite often. These things that I have learned have made a big difference in my own life. Always good to see you here - thanks for the comment

I hope others will really take in what you have to say and change their negative self-beliefs.

Cath Lawson’s last blog post..But …Maybe You Should Button It?

Until recently I did not think of the ability to change such behaviors as a matter of “strategy”. I just somehow felt I “could not get there”, a diffuse feeling of constantly stumbling around a possible solution without realizing what it actually looked like.

A friend of mine likes to say, “choose to play games you can win”.

The accumulation of small successes helps to build faith in one’s own potential and abilities. For me a good illustrative example is juggling. In February I bought juggling balls and just started. Whenever a ball landed on the floor, I just picked it up again and carried on, until I “mastered” that particular trick. Then I chose another trick with slightly increased difficulty, and repeated … you get the picture.
Playful as it sounds, for me this has become a powerful reference experience. Just reminding myself of juggling gives me a boost of confidence for other things, too. Unlearning unwholesome patterns, or “untruths”, adds some extra weight to the challenge. I remember that Albert (http://www.urbanmonk.net/) sometimes writes about this subject, too.

Thanks again for this excellent article and comments.
Heimdall’s last blog post..Hold Fast Your Dreams!

Anything truly worthwhile in life requires tremendous effort, mastering the mind and spirit in this way is no different. I have found, the things that are hardest for me to change–often take the longest. It’s not an over night proposition. It’s more like a, give it all you got day in and day out one… Train train train your mind! Hopefully we will, in due time, get to that place we are working so diligently to get to! And getting there is often a process, but great headway can be made throughout the journey.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties men often told me I was “difficult”, which appeared to equate with having opinions, seeking equal rights and respect. Even though I told myself that I would find the right man for me (and I did) I didn’t realize until many years later that I had in fact processed these words and acted as if they were true. I used to think I was LUCKY to have my husband. How awful is that?

It took years to see that I am not a simple cliche of “difficult” or a “ball breaker”. I am just me - soft, hard, argumentative, loving, tough, generous, shy, loud, smart, nurturing, intuitive and more than a bit of a loon. I won’t be defined by others anymore, but it takes a lot of work to get to that self acceptance and it’s a wavering state.

Great article and an important topic.
Kelly

Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post..What is the Music of Your Life?

@ Jonathan: No problem! You’ve got some good stuff on that blog of yours

@ Evelyn: Hey! I’m really glad you enjoyed the post. Yeah, I said dare because sometimes I find that we feel like we actually don’t deserve our own self love and so we avoid things that could better ourselves emotionally like the plague. You’re right, it IS a vicious cycle. Thanks for stopping by!

@ Robert: Thank you for the link and yes.. we can all use some reminding.. I know I sure can at times

@ Davidya: I really appreciate the kind remarks and feedback, Davidya. This comment you made - “This is why you see people come out of an abusive family unscathed, yet another comes out of a typical family with an exaggerated drama.” - I tend to often wonder about that.

And I strongly feel that its more than a tip - often time this gets in the way of lives for years and years - and though this is just a blog post, I would hope it can illicit enough curiosity in the people who see it and get them to investigate their lives.

Thanks for your input!

@ DeLoren: Haha that’s right man.. I’m in your head! Nah, not really - but I hope it really helps. You know that I’m rooting for you allll the way!

@ Tim: Wow, Tim, THANK YOU for your input! I thought about your ‘minor gripe’ as you call it and I agree When its a traumatic event, theres no need to wallow - it isnt helping. I supposed I wanted to draw out a timeline in the mind of the reader so that they might understand that for all the time this damage was accumulating, it will take more than one or two stabs at what needs to be gradual and consistent improvement in order to really find their way up and out

and about that E-Book.. that reminds me I’m going to have to knock on your online door - as I would like to offer it to the wonderful readers of InMyHeels.com
Because youve got some great things to offer and I would love to share them!

I’ve never thought that about any of JEMi’s posts. This is another great example! If I were to have a slight disagreement it would be to say that it’s not always necessary to get to the root cause, especially if it’s a traumatic one, but that is a very minor gripe about an excellent article.

I wrote a 10,000 word e-book about change and JEMi has summed a lot of it up in a very succinct and eloquently delivered post. Two quick ways to deal with beliefs and situations that may help.

Undermining: Look at the belief or concern that is at hand. Think of ways in which it is in accurate or could be mistaken. Look for evidence when this has not been the case or when you have managed to deal with similar occurrences successfully (Important: they do not have to be identical, just look for common threads running through). If there are no examples like that, look for cases where other people have done whatever it is so you know it is possible. Just do whatever is necessary to obliterate and ridicule it. Is it worth worrying about and can I deal with it if that eventuality should actually play out?” This is not being unrealistic and it is not burying your head in the sand, it is being sensible. Any beliefs that hold you back from achieving your full potential need to be eradicated. Too many people think that they are being realistic by worrying about stuff that may never happen! It’s neither realistic nor helpful

Reframing: I love reframing because you can have real fun with it and it is a simple way to shift focus and emphasis. The starting point is accepting that there are always alternative positive ways to look at something. Take a belief, situation, conversation etc and try and look at it from another point of view. Come up with as many positive scenarios as possible and don’t give up until you get at least one new perspective that makes you feel better about it. You can reframe pretty much anything when you get good at it. Simply ask yourself the question “What else could this mean?”

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