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It’s a wretched, miserable existence when you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Whether their eyes glaze over when they see you, or you’re “just a friend”, it sucks. It can do serious damage to self esteem. You find yourself wishing, trying, and thinking (maybe even obsessively. It’s ok, I won’t tell) and you can very well reach a point of despair.What I’ve noticed would happen in a situation like this is sometimes you may find yourself trying to alter yourself to the person’s pleasing. Or worse - what you THINK that person likes. Sometimes desperation makes you do things that you wouldn’t do otherwise. I just wanted to put this out there for the eager eyes that read this.
That person’s - or anyone’s - opinion of you for that matter does not define you or your value.
You are not any less smart, sexy, clever, talented, anything. Thinking in this way only aggravates the effects you feel from rejection. It’s a quick launch to a negative space that will certainly affect all aspects of your life. I’m not saying don’t be sad. But know who you are.
Don’t Cheapen Yourself
You know exactly what I’m talking about. Doing things you don’t want to do, that you wouldn’t do, that devalues or humiliates you to appease a soul. It’s not going to make them love you anymore and some unsavory characters would gladly lead such a circus at the expense of their conscience at old age (stay with me here) for the attention and care from such a wonderful person such as yourself. Who doesn’t love some TLC? Don’t compromise yourself. I’m going to say it again. DON’T compromise yourself.
Accepting Reality
It’s ok to hurt. To feel pain, to feel sad. But it’s not ok to refuse that person’s rejection, obsess, and bring yourself to new degrees of low. The bad news is the object of your affection doesn’t share those same feelings with you. But don’t count yourself out yet. There is someone who can appreciate you and return your adoration, like you deserve somewhere out there. I say deserve with conviction because I know - its so easy to take even small common courtesies as signs of someone warming up to you because you want that love so badly. But, my friend, that’s a baseline. Common courtesy… is common. Or at least it ought to be. It’s not love.
Be Good To Yourself
You will find that I’ll say this often because when I’m seeking that advice, I hear it so very often and I agree with it. We are so very good at beating ourselves up for what we deem our shortcomings. How about some of that adoration for that person… for yourself. You have the right to feel good you know, as you work on breaking that cycle and refocusing yourself and your sights on something or someone else. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back hurts like hell. So for your own sake, think about implementing these things that I’ve mentioned. Easier said than done, trust me - I know. But when you’re ready to be done with the whole misery aspect of it all, it will deliver a very necessary breakthrough.
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Photo by: Teb
Its so funny how over the years this same advice has been published, spread around by word of mouth (i.e best friends,sisters, etc.). but the best and worst thing that is good for a situation like this is for that person to actually realize said advice for their damn selves. Speaking personally, its both liberating and heart wrenching and gut twisting to see yourself objectively and recognize yourself…. Whats different with this advice and the ones that are constantly published is that it isn’t colored with women empowerment or you’re left reading that their’s nothing wrong with you and its that person’s loss. This blog is blunt and very straight to the point. In situations as this, being told the straight up and down truth is far better than thinking that the object of one’s obsession is crazy for not liking you. I should know.
wow! i have to say that was so deep. i was played by this idiot and i felt like everything was over until i read this article and now i feel like ive learned something and i feel better about myself. i mean ive realized that im still fly even though he was an a$$hole and its so funny cause now he wants me back and i simply brush him off. i just have this nonchalant attitude towards himnow and it rocks!
Thank you so much for this article that you wrote! It helped me a lot to realize. I’m in the same situation and i am very confused. So confused, i’m questioning myself everyday on what i am doing wrong. Sometimes i felt that the once i love doesn’t love me back because i am doing something wrong. But in general i really liked this article. Keep it up!
i hope to read more form you soon.
I;m going through the same thing right now crying every night but basically because of the unknown i’m in love with him but i wasn’t rejected but i’m pretty sure he’s not in love with me because he’s a player…. i know this and thats why i won’t tell him how i feel about him…at one point he was all i thought about ….but now i’m actually still talking to him but i’m not excluding other gfuys i talk to other guys and keep myself busy and just keep holding on until i’m ready to let go and i will.
How long does the pain last cause i have been going through hell for months.
Wow. Thanks.
I still love someone who didn’t love me back and will never love me back. But I’ve grown to accept it. It’s been 4 years since I’ve seen him. Still think about him all the time.
But it was an empowering experience to be the one to pull myself together and leave the relationship. I knew had I stayed, it would have destroyed me.
You know that old saying - it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all - it’s true. I don’t regret or hold bitterness about that whole episode in my life.
It made me love myself more.
That’s what’s important.
Believe in miracles. Believe in love. Have faith in all that’s good in the universe.
Peace.
I came across this article using Stumble Upon. Although it seems to me this site is geared towards women, this sort of thing, both being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back and the advice given here, applies to men, as well. Believe it or not, all of us are not players. I know, what a shock, right?
Personally, I had a wonderful relationship with someone a several months ago, fell madly in love with her and and son, only to have the ghosts of our pasts come between us. Though we swore we would never let that happen, I guess some wounds never truly heal and will continue to haunt one in every relationship they have. Needless to say, things fell apart. I would still give the world for both of them, but there’s little I can do about I now. Honestly, I can’t say that she doesn’t love me back, but she refuses to allow herself to act on it. Too many times during our relationship she told me how she’s tried and tried to find a reason to hate me, but she loved me more than anyone else she’d ever loved. I guess she eventually found her reason, whether real or imagined.
For months, every thought was of her and her son, the things we shared, the plans we made, the bonds between us. In time, though, I’ve come to accept it for what it is - something I want, but can never change. Now, I still love her, but I don’t let my every waking thought, my every dream be consumed by woulda-coulda-shouldas and memories of the most meaningful time of my life. If things work out for us again someday, that’s an opportunity I’ll not let pass. Until then, or if it never does, life goes on and I must live mine for me.
Not that the world wanted to know all of that, but sometimes confession, even in relative anonymity, can be very cathartic. Anyways, great article.
your articles are incredibly well written and I sense that you genuinly want the readers of these to move beyond their current situations into a life of victory. I applaud you for that. Meanna.
Meanna Blog’s last blog post..Today is International Delete Your MySpace Account Day
I agree with this article 100% and I also liked that is was not completely focused on how great we are and how its their loss…no, the simple truth is… not everyone is going to love us, or like us for that matter…most of us love what we cannot have and fantasize about what life would be like if only we had that person, that absent person who is meant to fill that void inside us. Wrong, that person who is to fill that void inside us, is US!! There is truth to “we have to love ourselves before anyone else can love us”…and confidence is the number one thing that attracts people to us. And not giving too much too soon!! when you give someone all of you too soon, you don’t leave any mystery, any room for growth and bonding…and most of all you didn’t make anyone earn you…work for you…really earn your trust and the ability to know who you are….leave some mystery!!!!!!!!!!
I was in a somewhat similar situation a long time ago and even though people gave me the same advice that you have posted here I have to say I didn’t listen. But I’m afraid I’m the exception to the rule, because that guy and I are in a very solid relationship now. So solid that we have even decided to attempt a long distance relationship, and we are doing very well.
But like I said, I’m the exception to the rule. This is a class article!
fragileheart’s last blog post..Not bad, as first days go
@ fragileheart: Wow, it’s wonderful that things worked out for you! I am pro love so that’s always good news.
thank you for your comment
I CANT BELIEVE THAT IVE BEEN CHASING SOMETHING THAT DOESNT GET CAUGHT! I REMEMBER EVERYONE, SOME MORE THAN OTHERS, SHE’LL BE ONE FOREVER..
A few months ago I reconnected over the phone with someone I was in love with 25 years ago. I am married but getting a divorce and we live in different states. Just the same, we made plans to get together. I couldn’t wait… I was thrilled that he was as eager as I was to get together. Then, all of a sudden, he got cold feet and changed his mind. He said it was just too weird… that it had been too long. Unfortunately, I’ve obsessed over him ever since and have called and written to him many times with the hope that he might come around. I know I need to back off because I’m probably just driving him further away but I seem powerless to do so. What do I do?
@ Anonymous: I am *really* sorry for your heartbreak and pain. I am afraid this is a perfect example of someone who is not reciprocating your love. For reasons unbenknownst to you, he has chosen a different route and the explanation that you are receiving is not enough. The only thing I can suggest whole heartedly is to begin moving fwd and away from attempting to possess his affections. You are prolonging your pain by refusing to accept his choice to decline. It is hurtful, yes. But that won’t change. The only thing that you can change is what you do for you.
Grant yourself peace and begin to work through the lessons learned in this situation. Give him his space. If, for some reason, he were to return with the excitement and love, I would suggest you take great caution. Changing his mind is his perogative. Taking care of yourself and your heart is yours. Best of luck to you and thanks for stopping by InMyHeels.com
i appreciate your article so much. i am in love with someone who does not love me back and may not know that I love them so much. It’s so bad! i hear the advice but it is so hard to accept it and act on it. It’s one thing to tell myself move on but it is another when i c the person i am in love with and desire with all my heart to be with them. n what kills me more is that i have not told anyone. its all inside. i seriously need 2 get over this. it does mess up much of ur life. what can i do 2 stop my mind from fantasizing and my heart desiring to be with that person when i c the,. and to stop loving that person, what does that mean? can i still have hope but just focus on me. what do i do, think, act. how? i need 2 love myself first and 4 some reason it doesn’t feel as good. i want to be held and cuddled and loved. its feels so empty and i need to get through that emptiness because i am a whole complete person on my own. I AM SO WORTH it. i need to love me EXCEEDINGLY! i ned to learn how great and FULFILLING that can be. thanks 4 the article. it help me on my journey.
@ someone still in love: I can feel your pain through your words. I can feel some of that anguish and my heart goes out to you because it is so delightful to love someone deeply and so painful to not get it back.
It’s not a matter of forgetting that person or forgetting how to love them. It’s a matter of nurturing your heart, soul, and mind for a life without them.
Physical aspects are so important - of course it feels better to cuddle with someone! It’s great! Just know that the completion that you seek isn’t actually within that person, it’s within you. Everything outside of self love is just that much more delicious once you achieve self love.
I am sorry for your pain but I am grateful that you found some comfort in this posting. I know it is difficult but I am rooting for you and your heart to heal. Thank you for stopping by InMyHeels.com
Well it’s nice to know I am not alone in this situation. But I ask myself this…. not everyone falls in love at the same rate, there is of course the “readiness factor” and the fact that they have to love themself. My boyfriend and I are very different. I am an executive, he is a bartender. I have a house and kids, he rents a room in a party house. Can it work? While I get incredibly frustrated some days, the basics of a good relationship are there- laughter, trust, friendship, companionship. Yes I do believe I love him but he does not yet love me. Part of me wants to run and run fast. I don’t want to get hurt. Then there is the part which realizes he is not mentally ready to love me for whatever reason, not happy with himself, been on his own too long, too big of a change etc etc. Do I stay patient? For how long? I don’t know? I hope to God those answers come to me. Years ago I loved someone and gave up on them. I wasn’t patient. That person was the love of my life, I didnt’ know it then, but I know it now. That was the last time I felt this way. I am trying not to let that cloud my better judgement. I know I am loveable, but when I start to question that, it’s time for me to fly.
I love someone, who is wishy washy about how he feels. I loved him before my marriage, and though I care about my husband, this man has my affection. We see each other, every now and then, but the way he acts sometimes, you would think he doesn’t care about me. Then when I pull away, he comes on strong again. I told him he is bi-polar in the sense that his moods swing from nice and affectionate, to nasty and berating. He drives me up the wall, and there are so many negatives against him, but he and I get along in a way my husband and I don’t, mentally and physically. What I always remember is the fit he had when I got engaged, but he did not make a move for me leading up to my wedding. If you really love someone why let them marry another, knowing how they feel for you?
I just came across the article above, and realize I need to let this man go, because he is not fulfilling me in a whole sense, and that this is gone on long enough. I need to concentrate on my future, and not waste my time on someone who strings me along and doesn’t want to offer me what I need. There is no reason to let him take me for granted, and for me to condone it. If my love is not my husband, something wonderful will come along. I just have to let go of my baggage, and embrace own happiness.
this article is very blunt and true.
5 years ago there was a man that i was involved with that wanted to propose to me. i was madly in love with him, and he was with me as well. but feelings of worthlessness, fear, and paranoia (i kept thinking about how one day he’ll wake up and regret marrying me) made me break up with him. essentially i broke his heart…but the feelings have always been there just below the surface. we’ve kept in touch since, we were friends initially and we still are friends…however our relationship has always been a step above friends and a step below lovers. ive recently been seeing more of him since my recent breakup, and he tells me that he loves me and misses me whenever im not with him though it’s beginning to become evident to me that it’s unclear how he “loves” me. recently he’s been saying how he’s too busy to see me, he hasnt been calling as much…and he’s leaving for overseas in may. cant really say i regret breaking off the intended proposal five years ago because i was only 20, what did i know about myself enough to get married? he said a couple of years after that that he could never love me because i broke his heart…and though ive been fantasizing about him and i marrying in the near future, my heart tells me it will never come into fruition. it’s so painful thinking about it. but it’s evident that this is a recurring problem for a lot of people, and through other’s pain i find solace and relief. thanks for the article, and hopefully i can start patching my heart together asap.
@ Right there with ya: You make an excellent point. Sometimes two people arent ready at the same time and its SO tempting to wait for them. You know - when they snap out of it or when that readyness comes. But you can’t expend all your energies on a hunch in all things. Some people, yes, they do come around. But if you are suffering emotionally for a long time, it isn’t worth it - especially if it doesn’t come to pass after all. You want to be whole. If that person comes around and you are available, thats a blessing. If he doesn’t, well, you still have you. I believe in practicing patience and all the good that comes with it. I also believe there is a time for everything under the sun. If he is for you, I am more than positive it will be blessed and come to pass.
@ Mrs. Gotta Go: You won’t believe the amount of gratefulness I experienced reading your feedback. I am happy that you have come to a decision that holds whats best for you in mind. I am happy this piece resonates with you and I’m sure it isn’t an easy task but I wish you strength in happiness and in love - for you.. for your family.. whatever path you may take. I know what it is to want to feel love. It’s intoxicating. Just don’t let the pursuit of it be toxic to you.
@ Musics_Muse: Absolutely - it does happen to many people. While its nice to know that you’re not alone, it doesn’t fix our issues huh
You experienced a vry serious dear that I recognize only too well. And yes, you had a lot of exploring to do.. you had a lot of yourself to understand..to come into. And it was your time to do it. The timing was off for you and thats ok. You experienced love and heartwrenching separation amongst other things and that is ok. And if he doesnt want to be together anymore.. dare I say it.. that is ok. Because now you have the experience of feeling something real..what it is to run from somethig.. what it is to want. You have healing to do. I can never speak for the motives of the one that you love, but he has his reasons.. so respecting them, its ok to love him but its time to pick up the pieces of you so that when love DOES come, whether from him or someone else - this time you will be ready to accept it and hold on to it for dear life. I wish you love and happiness in this difficult time in your life. You *will* definitely get through this a more complete woman in spite of the gaping hole in your heart right now.
well my pain is complicated, because i was the cause of it, when u get ur heart broken so many times you begin to put up a wall that no other can take down with ease, and this person knew that and put in hard labor to try n tear that wall down.. but as she tore pieces apart i kept building and for almost a year it was like that i never did become the person she wanted to be but i did enough for her to feel like she was making progress and she was. but i was told by past relationships that it was best not to show it, but it backfired, so hard that it tore my whole wall down in one shot. wat she spent months n months trying to tare down n what i spents months n relationships trying to build just blew up in my face, she left, n im thinkin no big deal shell be back haha to this day i havent seen her it took her less than a month to find the love she was lookin for in me in someone else, n shes happy man shes so happy, i can tell just by how sad i am. and it sucks because now i can barely breathe when i think of her i cant hate her i cant be mad, all i can do is hurt and the pain is so much more potent when you know that your own protection n precautions were the cause of it
I’m currently 35 years old and I was with the greatest love of my life, J, for 6 years, we were engaged and he suddenly broke up with me. This breakup occurred over 2 years ago. I begged J not to do it. He really broke my heart. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think about J all the time. Immediately after the breakup I left the State we lived in and moved to be with my family and friends because it was too painful. I couldn’t concentrate on my career or anything. I let a year pass before emailing him and asking him to give me closure. He emailed me back and answered lots of my questions, mainly that he wanted to break up with me for a long time, but was too “weak” to. He admitted that he is also having a tough time getting over me. And he does email me from time to time…sort of stringing me along….telling me that he is unhappy and was only happy with me…that he feels lost without me….but when I say “then let’s get back together” he doesn’t want to. He initiates the emails, which doesn’t make sense!!!! It’s so frustrating!!!!
During this time, I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend, S, who I had dated 10 years ago. S is a great guy and loves me very much. He never questioned his love, I was the one who broke up with him 10 years ago. I try to force myself to love S because he really is a great guy and he treats me extremely well. J kept telling me to move on and I did, he made it clear that he doesn’t want to be with me, even though he misses me. After dating S for 6 months, we recently got married, it has only been a month and it’s pretty good so far. He’s very sweet and his whole mission in life is to make me happy. I am not deeply in love with S, but I believe he’s a good person and will make a great father. I do want to have children and so it made sense to marry him, I figured the love will grow, and I have been honest with him, he knows all about J and he doesn’t hold it against me. He’s really understanding.
Here’s my current situation. I recently received an email from J, nothing clear, him just telling me how unhappy he is and that he just wants to know if I’m okay. Here’s my question: I haven’t emailed him back and don’t know whether I should. The truth is that I still pine over J, and knowing how I feel about him, isn’t it just wrong to keep communicating with him? I feel so guilty for still being in love with him. And I am so angry with myself for feeling this way. Why can’t I just appreciate S and be happy…he’s so wonderful. S is better looking than J, kinder, more successful….why can’t I love him as much as I love J. I haven’t sent J a single email since my marriage. I hold marriage very sacred and I could never do that to S, especially since he has been so good to me. Plus my sense of guilt is really strong and I would feel like it is a form of “cheating”. I think I know what your answer will be….it’s tough but I just have to get over J…right…that he is bad for me? I just have to send him an email asking him never to email me again because his emails bother me. But I still think about him all the time, I don’t need an email to think about him. How messed up am I?
In time, I will grow to love S and get over J, right?
@ Justin: (( hugs )) I’m sorry for your pain. I thought of you when I wrote my latest post.. I welcome you to check it out - perhaps save it for a rainy day when love saunters into your life again. I wouldn’t want you to miss out - instead, accept it. Emotionally draining things bite - I know all ’bout it. Thank you for stopping by
@ Anonymous: I can only offer you my humble opinion. Ultimately, your decisions are yours. I encourage you to take an honest look at your situation.
Congrats on your new marriage btw
You’re a newly wed.
That being said, I don’t believe you can force yourself to deeply love someone based on stats that look and sound good however I do believe a deep love can be grown and cultivated with time and intent with someone in your life. Your conflict, from my perspective, is you are holding on to J for reasons that may include his “stringing along” emails. If you haven’t received the closure that you sought during that conversation via email, I don’t believe it will come during the continuation of conversation now. J already admitted he was too “weak” to let you go. Some might call that using you as a crutch because he didn’t want to be alone. I don’t honestly know, but it’s a theory.
Your feelings clearly run deeply for J however I sense that your attention feeds J’s ego and/or need for affection. Of course I may be wrong however the truth of the matter is you are now married. You are married to a wonderful individual that DOES want to shower you with love. In contrast with J - who, after you suggested you be together still declined - S made a committment to you and you made the same to him. The excitement and the passion J seems to offer you is linked to a lot of repetitive pain inducing behavior. To be honest, I don’t believe keeping in touch with him helps you move on OR your marriage. It confuses you and if J, knowing that you are married now, wants to pursue something, sexual, emotional or both, I feel he is doing so because somewhere inside he knows he can’t be “officially tied down”. You are in a committed relationship now.
The sense of guilt that you feel right now should tell you something. If it feels wrong, it probably is. There is “emotional cheating” just as much as there’s the sexual cheating.
Instead of thinking “why can’t I appreciate S, etc etc”, I suggest you start from the top with your new husband. I can’t say “get over J”. Feelings are far too complicated for that. Instead, I suggest you begin actions that encourage the growth of love and closeness in your new marriage - actions that don’t conflict with your intent. Forget comparing the two. Instead, take a look at Stripped: Vulnerability in Love - a post here on InMyHeels (the latest one) for an idea of how to become “emotionally naked” with your husband and starting building a genuine love.
Feelings of gratitude - real gratitude for the things you love about S will contribute to a new mindset. Feelings of appreciation, Loving out Loud (another post you might want to take a look at), focusing on the good things, working on whats not so good.. if you have the intent on becoming closer to your husband, it will definitely happen.
It’s not about erasing J from your mind (that would be nice wouldn’t it?) It’s about learning to live with the realities of his choices and your own. You have a new family now. You also have your own self love to consider. Perhaps he has hurt you one too many times. Don’t jeopardize your feelings of self respect or your new relationship by falling victim to J’s words again.
I truly hope my opinions helps you one way or the other. I wish you peace and love in your life and your new marriage - thank you for stopping by InMyHeels.com
I know your pain, its crucifying, i suffered this for 6 years and untill he hurt me deeply i could not let him go , one day u will see j for his true self and you will be able to say a strong get lost to him or stronger , when u do this u will get back your soul and you and your husband will be able to embrace your life. i hope you can do this sooner rathar than later as life can be cruel and hurt you very much in the situation you are now in, you dont have to wait as long as i did you can be more intelligient and change all your details and send that get lost to j asap you will find such happiness in your self , maybe you wont be able to do this until you he hurts you with a final blow, take it from me he is bad news to your fine spirit dont let him have this power and dont whatever you do feel sorry for him he is having a ball just like you can. once like you, now a happy happy person hugs
finaly something that may help me!
Unrequited love….. story of my life but i still after reading this
after it all making scence need advice
i moved in to a share house 8 months ago, just me and a guy (who owns the house)
its great rent is great location is great he is great…
i fell for him …. bad
i never acted on my feelings… how alquid would that be!
untill he pounced on me we kissed undressed and u get the rest..
i didnt realise at the time that i sleeped with him that thats all he wanted
i thought it was a romantic passionate moment, that we both gave in to our feelings of lust and love.
afterwoulds he got up and walked out of my room
the next day i was sooo excitted thought that he was finaly my man… no
i kissed him goodmaorning he pulled away and dissapeared for the day
i was shattered
i had been there 6 months when this happened
for the last 2 months we have been sleeping together and when i ask him what are we?
are we in a relationship?
i kinda want to know?!!
his answer is always “i dont want to talk about it now”
its hard because we live together yes i get that
it was probley the worst decision i have ever made
but like the aricle says you kinda get obsessed
i have tried to change who iam to win him
nothing helps
i need to excpt the fact that its never gunna happen
I meet this guy online. we became friends quickly and strange as it sounds I developed feelings for him. Even Obsessing over him. He had issue and keep getting mad at me for things I didn’t do. Like 3 times and I keep apolizing and trying to get him to like me. Finally he stop writing me like I really did something. Maybe I did I was obessing over him and maybe I didn’t even realize it, But he could see it? Well I lost him but I keep trying to get a hold of him through other emails he gave me. Than he blocked them. I guess sometimes we get desperate and he could feel it. I meet someone who thinks I am gorgous so I guess I wasted my time on him. I still have feeling for the other guy even though I got something better. It is hard to know what to do. But not sure why he could feel that way about me.
first of all, reading all of these post and everyone’s situation and pain as well as the article give me confidence that i am not alone…my story is that, i fell in love for the first time 8yrs ago at the age of 20. We stayed together for 8yrs and it was good. We got engaged and was suppose to be married but i found out that the person i thought i knew had been lieing, betraying, cheating and never really loved me although he said the words and acted as a perfect man. I was told many times by friends and family and even caught him few times but i loved him so much that i ignored it and hurt myself but protected him. For my family and everyone that knew us he was perfect, but deep down i was never really happy with him. I stayed because i did not want to disrespect or disappoint my family for they are very traditional. I give up so much and give so much to him, i basically give him a life…and after everything was accomplish for him he left. i feel so used and betrayed. it’s been 6months and i just found out that he has moved on and is in love. he hurt me so bad. i still think of him all the time, i still miss him and i’m still in love with him. What do I do?
what if you never changed yourself, never acted differently and eventually that person DID show some affection for you, but only for a short time…aka a few nights of what they eventually called “fun.” This person is in a very long relationship and cheated and went back to him and left me feeling more empty and dejected than before. I know I had her, I did not change anything about me…things seemed to be working out…and then she uses the excuse that she loves him still and that it wouldnt be fair to him to just leave him so quickly for someone she has known for a longer amount of time as a friend, but only for a few months as more than just a best friend. How do you cope with getting what you want from someone whom you “loved” so much and then having that torn away from you. I worry that I don’t have the personal strength to just leave our friendship because it would hurt her so much; therefore causing me anguish in knowing I caused her pain. The situation is both unfair to me and unfair to her boyfriend, yet he goes along unbeknownst to the entire little affair and lives happily thinking everything is amazing. I, on the other hand, go through the daily torture of having my best friend and “lover” with me everyday. She sees him once a week or so and I am by her side everyday…more because she wants me there than me “following” her around. ….What do I do?
Well, I am in a situation now. She is a former friends former girlfriend. I have known her for 13 years. She has had an on-off relationship with another man the past few years. She is much younger than both him and I. I barely know him but from what she has said, he has dumped her and picked her back up again a few times. It seems to be a destructive pattern. I think she may be obsessed somewhat. So, recently I have let her know what it is I feel for her. She responded back very positively and it was a good feeling. Basically she said she wants nothing more than friendship (I think because all her ex-boyfriends friends hit on her and it turned her off) and I respect and accept that. She stated that she was sure our friendship is going to be a life-long experience and that she wants it to become stronger. So here I am, celibate for almost 24 years of my (non)fucking life and am a lonely person generally. Sex would be nice, but if it is not to be then that is all good. I really do enjoy female company and her and I have a definite bond. It seems though that she has distanced herself somewhat and I can tell that something is now different. She has said that she likes hanging out with me because of a complete lack of sexual tension, but it is becoming more obvious that she does feel tension. So I am not wanting her to leave because of that issue, I would much rather have a real friend and confidante that I can share my real feelings with than just a sexual partner. If I just wanted to get laid or have an orgasm there are plenty of alternatives to achieve it. I definitely love her and want her in my life for the rest of it. I just want her to be happy, I am used to being alone, but having her around really makes my day go way better and I feel positive and more alive when she is with me. I am somewhat confused but not without a grip on reality.
I love someone who doesn’t love me anymore. She loved me very intensely for awhile but over the years I guess it has faded. She tells me she loves me but she keeps me at arm’s length. It’s been almost 8 years I’ve known her and we were together for 4, but over the last 4 years she has just strung me along. I’ve not been with anyone else the whole time. I keep waiting hoping she will come around, but I know it will never happen. I guess she is dating people but not telling me about it. I wanted to marry her and start a family. Recently I was informed that I have a pretty bad disease. I haven’t told her yet but I know she doesn’t love me enough to stick it out with me anyway. I’m just going to have to fade away from her and let her move on with her life. I thought about telling her and asking her to save me from the horrible lonely life I am going to lead, but today I decided it’s better for her if I just ride off into the sunset quietly so at least one of us is happy, because I do love her very much. It’s ripped me up inside for years, and the bad part about my whole situation is, it’s only going to get worse.
I can totally relate to the rejection and pain that one feels from loving someone who does not love you back. It does hurt like hell!!!! It is so hard because by my ex I’m labeled as crazy and needing help. We have 3 girls together and I guess what I have wanted more than anything else was to have a family.He on the other hand does not feel the same way and has told me there is no chance of that. It is so hard because I can’t just write him off because of the girls and when I see him or hear of him with other women it just makes me sick to my stomach. How do I stop caring?!?!? I know I need to and I want to but my heart feels differently. I just feel so confused and hurt because I know he will never love me the way that i love him
I know how this feels exactly, I’m in love with my best friend, and he’s madly in love with his girlfriend. He lives in California and she lives in Virginia, and this year they’re finally getting to meet in real life, He’ll be staying with her for a month. I miss him so much, and everytime I think about them together I start uncontrollably crying. I told him how I felt before he left, and he didn’t really say anything, because I don’t think he wanted me to hurt more than I do. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering if I acted different or dressed different, would he love me and not her. And what kills me is, she trys to make him change, she likes emo guys, so she wants him to start being emo. She has another boyfriend on the side, and he knows this, but he’s so in love with her he doesnt care. I love him the way he is, I love his hair, and the fact that he has one blue eye and one green. I love that when I get pissed off, he’ll sit there and listen to me bitch for hours. I love the way his voice always sounds like he just woke up.
How do I get over him??
wow.
this is a well put together website. everyone is honest and mature. after scouring the web looking for “broken love” outlets, its good to know that not every site is geared toward teens.
this is exactly what i was looking for. its good to know that other people share your experience.
although some of us are here looking for answers, the truth is - we (including me) already know the answers to what we’re looking for. the problem is: we don’t like it. we want to hear something different. we want to hear if we do ‘x’, then person ‘y’ will love us like we do them.
i’m in love with my best friend.
and it hurts.
i told her.
it still hurts.
i know what i need to do….but i just can’t…..
Well, I searched for “when someone doesn’t love you back” to find some advice. I am been having a difficult time understanding my “grief” over a relationship with this guy I have been seeing for the past two years. Basically, it started off drinks, lunch, dinner, intimate moments, hundreds of calls and texts and now it’s a phone call every couple of weeks or 1 a month sex and that’s it. I “thought” or on some level “think” I was or am love with him. The twisted thoughts, fantasy thoughts that always end up with some fairy tale ending, yeah right, as if. Reality is that if I could have him around full time I probably wouldn’t want him. When I met him, I wasn’t quite done dealing with the baggage of my previous long term relationships, married for 10 years and then a 5 year relationship that left my marriage for. I was a mess and sorting things out… who am I, what happened. He was exciting, sexually arousing, you name he just did it for me. He was a high, his voice, his manner, what he said, how he acted… erotic, enticing I got hooked line and sinker. He was the shark and I was the mermaid. I was addicted, I couldn’t get enough of him. Great guy, except that he had, has a girlfriend that he lives with. Oh, you would have thought that I would have had enough self-respect to say, “NO”, but I didn’t. So for the past two years I have driven myself crazy, waiting to hear from him, saying it would be the last time, drinking too much, making a fool of myself, whining and crying over WHAT? Of course he could care less, he has someone else, and of course I probably don’t really love him, but wonder why he didn’t want me.. as if that even matters. He told me he loves his girlfriend, well, then why was he seeing me all this time… ah, because he could or because I let him… He couldn’t see me if I didn’t let him…I told him I feel such anxiety whenever I go to meet him, and I feel so ashamed afterward, and he says, but how do you feel during, “Head trips” I know! The guy has said that he has always had two women, ALWAYS. Why can’t I just enjoy the moments. So I doubt myself that I don’t enjoy the moments and can’t get into any other relationship because I’m sick in the head over this guy. So so stupid, mind you I am smart enough to know that this has not been a relationship, it has been a fricken rollercoaster ride and I have been sick from the beginning. I know what love is… if someone is in love or I am in love with someone, you want to protect the relationship, the person, you don’t do things to destroy it or damage it. You care and want to share in the lives of the person and get to know them. It doesn’t mean you loss you identity or become consumed with someone else. Getting to know them means there is NO FEAR. You can trust and are trustworthy and loyal and there is loyalty. There is mutual respect and compassion, understanding and security, encouragement and self-respect. Knowing this I still settled to see him when he could because I was lonely and not for a lack of other men, just lack of something, maybe familiarity, like I mentioned the baggage of my previous relationships. Anyway, appreciate the article and all the posts of this site. I will continue to be strong, get out there and hold my head up, I will not waste my tears or fall apart. I know what I did was wrong for ME and I need to take care of myself. I have standard, criteria and if I minimize them, or don’t give them value, then I reduce my value. I may have settled and did some things that I am not proud of, but I am valuable and am worth more than just an occasional romp in the sack, or a meal.
There is one person I use to love… crazy love.. first love stuff…. years ago… probably close to 8 years since I talked to the guy.. We were never more than friends…It was pretty well known that I was in love with him… It was never pushed.. I wasnt confident enough to push the issue… He never did more than say sweet things that kept me hanging on .. stupid stuff like every time I see the moon, im going to think of you ….(after we watched a beautiful full moon rise).. I moved away, we stayed in touch, I visited once, he visited once…we lost touch. All those years ago, I was a different person than I am now. I am engaged now.. I have accomplished things I never thought were possible. Hes probably not the same 19-20 year old kid with the sweet smile, a shoulder just the right height and a witty answer to everything. I know he never really loved me, or even consider me in that way, but I just can not completely let go… For a while after we lost touch, he was my fantasy, and whenever some relationship went sour, I always thought.. J would never do that.. If only he was here.. If only .. if only.. realistically its a bunch of BS because well.. if he was so wonderful we wouldnt have lost touch. But for some reason, I still hang on alittle, every once in a while I type his name into myspace (hes like the only person left in the world that doesnt have a myspace page)… It really irritates me that I cannot erase his name from my head. It makes me feel crazy and obsessive…. All I really want to be able to do is say LOOK AT ME NOW!! Kinda like, yeah I was the crazy girl in love with you that you were kind enough to put up with.. but look how I ended up. I have no desire to have a relationship with the guy… I am happy where I am… It just bugs me that I still have these feelings… It makes me feel nutty…I never talk to anyone about it, because I feel so silly… A few years ago I ran to one of his best friends and managed to not even mention him…. seriously though, how do you shake someone who had you so bad? I mean this wasnt one of those that treated me bad.. he was honestly a nice, caring friend, who didnt want me the way that I wanted him.. I have always thought it would have been easier if he was an asshole.