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Wouldn’t it be nice, when beginning a new job, for there to be fine print about the type of atmosphere you just got yourself into? How were you supposed to know that in this shiny new office with freshly sharpened pencils that Miss Thing to the right likes to let the team take the work…all the time. Or that Miss Thing to your left gossips for breakfast, lunch, and all the snack times in between?
It would be great if we could always get along with all the folks around us. However, with deep respect for your exasperation with the real life trials in the workplace, I’d love to talk about working amongst difficult folk. It happens even though you are indeed fabulous. It’s not your fault that THEY don’t know that. But for the sake of your peace of mind - and paycheck - let’s discuss
- Bosses or coworkers that take credit for your work
- The water-cooler gossipers
- Rude people and folk who don’t like you for no reason at all
- The unsupportive spouse
The Credit Thieves: When Your Boss (or Co-Worker) Presents Your Ideas as Their Own!
Oh no she DIDN’T take your idea, create a mean powerpoint, and slyly smile at the praise from the Suits!
No that boss of yours did NOT take your idea as his own and not credit you! The nerve!
Oh, the humanity!!!
This isn’t the part where I teach you how to be CIA-worthy mum on your tasks. Besides, if those ideas really need to see the light of day, you’re going to have to let them out sometime. No - you’re going to be smart about this. So
- Take a breather. Resentment blares through - it really does. Your glares, silent treatment, and new high blood pressure won’t alleviate your issue and if your boss catches wind of it, it just may make it worse. Angry confrontation labels you as a trouble maker. The silent treatment might label you as “lazy” and “not a team player. Surely there must be another way!
- If you’re new and your boss snatched your idea, think of it as racking points. You become indispensable. You become that dream employee that, lets face it - saves his neck time and time again - and who is insanely useful. You make him look good. Him looking good is good for you. Why? Because as your time accrues, so does your value. So does your ability to request a raise after some time paying your dues.
- Here’s a clever thought! When in a small group discussion, you can slip your fantastic idea in there. If that idea ever becomes that huge dream gala that she said was too outrageous to pull off, you aren’t the only one who knows where that little piece of genius sprouted from!
- Some may say slip that idea in your updating notes/emails so that it is documented. If this works for you (and helps you sleep better at night) then go for it.
- If you’re working on an extensive project, it may be wise to document your work. Why? Facts like that can’t be disputed. The point isn’t to humiliate your boss. It just give you an opportunity to receive validation should a situation arise that you have an opportunity (cutthroat isn’t nice people) to share your findings without the attempt to make someone else (yes, your boss) look bad.
Gossip Girls and The Peanut Gallery
“Haven’t you heard? Lara on the fifth floor said that YOU were with Phil in the mailroom! What do you say to that?!”
Gossip is some juicy stuff until you find yourself affiliated in the story. Not only is it no longer amusing, it can turn outright abusive. I’ve written on InMyHeels about being gossipped about but I will say this.
- Carry yourself in a manner that you are proud to represent regardless of what others say. You build a well known character that illicits doubt when negative things spread about you. In the very least, you’re handling it with grace and self respect. You’re going to need that.
- If you can avoid engaging in office gossip, do so. I hate to point this out because of the insane amount of fun gossiping can give you between cubicles but you somehow become someone else’s daily nightmare when you join in on the ‘fun’. Thats right - you put a big wet foot in someone’s day. How about you spend a little JEMi time Digging and Stumbling or emailing InMyHeels posts to your friends? (Don’t mind my shameless plug haha. Well actually, please do :-) )
- Psst! Take a look at the post I wrote entitled When Gossip Attacks: You. It sure is juicy!
The Rude Lady and She Who Does Not Like You.
She slams the filing cabinet shut and walks away … while you were reaching into it. Her eyes glaze over when you speak at meetings. She makes you feel this big [ . ] and it bothers you.
I don’t understand it either - really I don’t. But I DO know what works. People like that can be difficult to work with especially if they have their heart set on being that way. Every single day.
What about She Who Does Not Like You? Egad! She might even be both! We always hear
“You can’t please everyone”
“Not everyone is going to like you”
“Some people are just like that”.
Does that change the fact that you just don’t understand why So-and-So is treating you like you are the enemy? Absolutely not. In fact, it’s the source of much distress particularly if the person who doesn’t like you is a superior that has a huge fist on whether or not you move up in the company and in pay. :-/
We can always harp on WHY she behaves this way. Sometimes you’re the youngun who just waltzed into a position, degree in hand but little experience and that can bother those who have been there and paid their dues. For others, maybe you’re a personal threat. After all - being sharp/witty/beautiful (continue if you must) are characteristics that are generally appreciated … unless the threatened person suspects that you are in competition with her. But then again, she might not like you because you look funny and breathe. Who knows.
In this situation, approaching with consistent courtesy, clarity, politeness, and even random gestures of friendliness in mandatory interactions (ok not only mandatory if you’re feeling inspired with gusto) are all useful. It’s hard to do those things when you’re peeved at rude folk until you remember one fact. HER issues are not about you. They are about her. You can make it your business to have a diplomatic word with her but in the event that it doesn’t help - and in fact - maybe make your life all the more difficult, I would give the positivity approach first.
What’s going on at home, personality, the fact that the boss berates her, disliking you due to HER own insecurities are all within her realm. Take a moment to reflect on what that really means because when its just words, its “yeah yeah JEMi”. But really think about it. If she is the type to plaster her mood on her face, there is an unhappiness there that you are not part of - but can be if you just fuel the fire. You can contribute to making her day better by being kind. Avoid being rude as well especially out of spite. Be helpful when you can. This not only builds your character, it is ten times more conducive to a tolerable workplace than silent pen wars are.
Now some people make it a point not to be helpful at all. You know when that begins to ruin your day? Allowing that to reflect that persons perceived value of who you are. “If I were more important…” is a prime example of words some people think when faced by these types. Rather, you can just recognize that this individual is not concerned with spreading good karma and see what you can do.
If kindness and an appeal to the human side won’t help, please don’t utilize angry slurs in the workplace. It’s bad form. After a chat with her directly, perhaps a superior will at least help you get basic functions done. You’re there to work. A friend would be nice but if its not the right time right now? Well - you’re still fabulous.
The Unsupportive Spouse or Partner
No, I’m not going to call your loved one difficult. Rather, this is a very difficult situation (you like that? ha, me too) because trying to follow your dreams while the love of your life isn’t rooting for you is bad for your morale. So there are several things to consider when you’re attempting to make your moves - AND not suddenly be single.
- Your Priorities Show Through Your Actions: Is your spouse or partner unsupportive because he thinks you’re an untalented wretch that used to be adorable when she sang or is it because you disappear 3 or 4 days at a time? Have you given that any thought? Do you know the answer? Find out! It makes all the difference! Resentment can build when your words say “I love you” and your actions say “You are in my way.” Sometimes it’s not your fault that you are required to relinquish a lot of time. This is why its that much more important to suck it up and provide that reassurance that those who support us need. Of course you’re tired. But be tired in his arms instead of shooting him glares of contempt for existing for the next ten minutes. Make the extra effort so that your partner knows he’s appreciated. This goes for both women and men because it doesn’t matter - no one likes to feel like the obligatory responsibility in your life.
- What Are the Fears?: What is your partner against? A dangerous job? Less time at home? That you will stop bringing home the bacon? You’d be surprised how people take screaming at the top of their lungs are communicating. An honest conversation with mutual respect well intact can help you work through the murky waters of a heated debate. Sometimes a compromise is in order. Sometimes you are going to have to step back and see the bigger picture. And if YOU see - and your partner doesn’t - well you can start getting to work showing him what that bigger picture looks like. Pretend he is cursed with no imagination and take small, solid steps towards your goal that don’t include throwing him out. See, people who loves us don’t want us to lose everything based on a whim. But if you’ve got some solid goods to show - consistency and actions - you just might win that heart over all over again.
Alright. I’m going to have to say it -
How Do YOU Contribute to the Good or the Bad In Your Days?
Sometimes, when we just running the mill daily, we lose track of our feelings. We begin to live passively. Unfortunately, those feelings scream bloody murder in the face of others - particularly those around you. Do you play a part in the difficulties your work life presents?
-Snatching the file (BACK! I know she did it first) contributes to a difficult work day.
-Telling your spouse he’s a cad only makes him feel like he’s proving his point and contributes to a difficult work/home life.
- Taking part in gossip then having to be confronted by a boss (embarassing) contributes to a difficult work day.
- WORKING SOMEPLACE YOU KNOW YOU DON’T BELONG BECAUSE IT REEKS OF NEGATIVITY contributes to a difficult work life!
Do what you can to survive your environment until you are well equipped to place yourself in a better one. In the meantime - don’t be passive. Contribute to a better work environment. Be the reason someone else likes to go to work..at least a little bit.
Not only does it come back to you, it relieves some of the grit of the daily grind.
Here’s to better work days and a happier you!
Link You May Love: The Daily Mind - a blog dedicated to making the daily grind more meaningful.
How do you deal with difficult people in the workplace? Any horror stories and/or happy endings? Your tips are very welcome too!
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Photos by: Ram! and Simon Pais-Thomas
I had a boss who used to steal his employees’ ideas all the time, not just mine. Needless to say, he had a hard time retaining his best employees.
Sometimes we need to stay in a place that’s bad for us b/c we need the money, but as you say, it’s important to try and make things better while we are there, and to plan our exit carefully, so that we can leave as soon as possible. A toxic work environment has been one of the most draining experiences of my life. I am so grateful I don’t have to be there anymore.
Vereds last blog post..Blogging: Not All Comments Are Welcome
How do I deal with difficult people at work? I say good morning, good night and nothing else unless I have to. I’m dealing with a crazy woman at work now and JEMi she made me so upset because she lied that I just had to say nothing because if I spoke I would end up choking her over something really so silly. I don’t go to work to make friends and because we don’t work have to work together I’m fine with our new relationship. I really do like everybody, I can find something good in anybody, except the pure evil, but I can’t deal with crazy..She acts as if the office belongs to her and she runs everything. She doesn’t.
I’m not leaving my job though because of her, I was there first. lol
Naturals last blog post..But I Can’t Feel Anything - Does Using Plastic Desensitize the Act of Spending Money
@ Vered: I had a boss like that.. except the whole operation was crooked. I hated that! People spend so much of their lives at work.. if you can be in a better place - by all means - do so!
@ Natural: I love that - “I was there first” . Natural, there is always that one person being the monkey wrench. Doesn’t she know you’re fabulous? I do
Hi JEMi,
I live by the saying, “kill them with kindness”. Their problems are not our problems, but when they bring them to work, they can affect our day. When I worked with difficult people, I would always smile and say “good morning”, “how are you”, “pretty dress”, etc…Soon they realized I wasn’t the enemy.
I like how you say having someone stealing your ideas just gives you more job security. Sooner or later the “idea stealers” will hang themselves. and upper management may ultimately discover where those great ideas came from…do I smell a promotion?
BTW: I like your new avatar. You’re a real beauty with a gorgeous smile.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..NBOTW Goes To The Dogs
Morning,
I think a lot of people skew the work/personal dynamic. I go to work to WORK not to make friends and the business world is competitive. Even so, I keep my neck clean because I do believe in karma but I don’t trust others around me to do the same.
Be friendly to everyone, yes but watch what you share. Just because you have you and everyone’s best interest at heart doesn’t mean the person or people that you share it with do.
And make sure you take credit for things that you really do. If you think someone is capable of stealing your idea, watch what you tell them. And keep a lot of people in the loop in regards to your idea (from the initial startup to completion), so one person can’t just come along claim it as theirs when others knew what you were doing all along.
I agree with the above poster…killing them with kindness works but always, remember to document all that you do and make sure more than one person knows about it. Cover all your bases!
Cynthias last blog post..It’s More About The Actions…
@ Barbara: I thought about ‘killing them with kindness’ as I wrote this. I don’t think anything beats that. I dont agree in participating in someone else everpresent negativity.. it’s hard sometimes I admit. But the point here is to try. And yes haha that IS a promotion you smell
and thank you for the compliment Barbara! *silly grin* I really appreciate it
@ Cynthia: Hey! LOL I completely understand where you’re coming from. I love that you believe in covering your bases and acting with maturity. Some people are too frightened to even dare look like they are documenting anything that might insinuate the contrary to the boss’ words however there is nothing wrong with personal security.
Thanks for stopping by - I headed over your site the other day and it was down. Thrilled to see that you’re around!
I live by Cynthia’s approach: “Be friendly to everyone, yes but watch what you share.” I give coworkers the benefit of the doubt if I’m feeling negativity coming from them. After all, maybe they’re not trying to screw me over, they’re just having a bad day or have had bad work situations in the past. Still, there’s no reason to give anyone ammunition against you. (I consider pretty much anything about my personal life ammunition.)
I also find that generically rude people are floored when you help them. You get to mess with their minds while coming across as a team player–perfect!
Saras last blog post..The Tao of Roo: Lessons in Simplicity from My Dog
GREAT POST!
I really like the first part about taking credit for yourself in professional ways. I also love the relationships part - very true.
Hi Jemi,
I like your last statement… be the reason someone came to work, how true it is… we can make a difference, at least our environment a little bit better… one of the responsibility we can have on our side.
My previous working place was the worst. The turnover rate is 150% within 6 months, basically we can’t trust the boss, he is too deceptive, even trick his own staffs. I really do not know what is in his mind, he can’t appreciate his staffs well. I’m quitting only within 6 months, and really thankful for that. I read the following post, actually from my experience with that boss
Lessons of difficult people
It’s a very short article, hope you enjoy it.
Cheers,
Robert
I think one of the hardest parts of working with others is learning not to react emotionally. We need to stop and think, what do I want to accomplish with this person? Will reacting emotionally really benefit me?
It’s not always easy to do but I think if we can learn not to take things personally we’ll be much better off. It’s learning that it’s not about you, it’s about them.
Jonathan Meads last blog post..The Cult of Productivity & the Art of Purposeless Living
The ones that were the thorns in my side was my coworker and my boss. Both are insecure people and I believe I was a threat to the coworker who is a bulldozer type. I think he pushed me down to build himslef up. SO the boss was convinced I wasn’t a match for the job even though those I served in this position thought I was the best thing since buttered bread. I am good at my job. But I am leaving at the end of June and starting my own business. I am working in the mine field of hidden agendas and incompetance. It’s sad. I’ll be better off when the new business gets off the ground.
:O)
JEMi, when I was reading your post, I was just thinking how glad I was that I was no longer working in an office. Your post reminded me how toxic the office environment can be!
Great post for your vivid descriptions of the various characters!! Stumbled!
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Maps last blog post..7 Steps To Self Discovery
Ugh I hate that issue bigtime in my office. I wish I could know what I was getting in to when interviewing for jobs. I can usually get a good feel but it’s tough sometimes. Personally, my biggest issue recently is people not “managing up.” Seriously, come on. Man up and take some responsibility.
Jessicas last blog post..Movies! Action! Chicago!
YES! Great post. I love what I do for work. I feel great when I go home for the day because in my field I contribute to cleaning up the environment and making the world better for other, but the politics and crap like you’ve described above definitely gets me down at times. I’d like to think there is the perfect job out there that doesn’t do this to you, but I’m not so sure. Crossing my fingers.
If I could give one piece of advice to anybody working in an office it would be learn rapid rapport building.
If you can build rapport quickly and effectively so many of those problems evaporate or never arise in the first place. You don’t get gossiped about, you get on with the people that most other people don’t and you are less likely to have your work stolen.
I have to take issue with something Barbara said though. It would be nice to think that idea thieves always get caught out by senior management. The fact is, they don’t, and sometimes they ARE senior management. It’s not a fair world I’m afraid and some people do BS their way to the top. That’s not the issue, the issue is whether you or carry on living by your own code of ethics rather than being bitter, storing up grudges and starting to hoard good ideas for fear that somebody else may get the credit.
Good post as always
Tim Brownsons last blog post..The People Who Are NOT Making You Fat … And The One Who Is
I used to deal with a credit thief who was my direct report. I was self-employed in sales but it didn’t matter because he blatantly stole anything that would make him look better to the VP Sales. He didn’t care who he stole from either; he was a very equal opportunity thief.
Your tips would have worked well but you weren’t around to tell me about them 20 years ago. So I pulled him aside and blasted him with what I saw as the truth. He blasted me right back and it lead to some uncomfortable months.
Now I’m much older and wiser and subscribe to what Jonathan said. When we ask ourselves before acting, “how will that serve me?” we can often hold back long enough to respond not react. Nice writing.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Works last blog post..What Makes You Exceptional?
Love your site! Just subscribed. Look forward to more of this…
Dr. Nicole Sundenes last blog post..Are you suffering from a TERMINAL case of “The I Can’ts”?