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An anonymous reader of InMyHeels.com requested this piece so true to the nature of this blog where the walk InYourHeels counts, I am taking a stab at it and would love your feedback. What makes you likable?
It is no secret that first impressions are important. One gander your way and often times someone makes general assumptions based upon your appearance, gait, speech - you name it. Meeting new people already has its set of challenges. Now to add another complication, suppose you get the impression that the person/people you are meeting don’t like you. Maybe they don’t seem very receptive or impressed by your presence. Want to twist the knife? Suppose they are meeting someone else for the first time as well and are simply delighted with her company - and not shy about expressing it.
That hurts.
Before I continue, please bear in mind a fact that you undoubtedly know however serves as little consolation when it feels like more than one person isn’t moved by your company. Not everyone will like your fabulous self. I know - it’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re as wonderful as you are but let’s not forget this bit of wisdom. Their negativity is not about you - it’s about them and THEIR story. How do you know that you’re not the spitting image of Charlene from the 3rd grade that made that person’s life a living hell?
You don’t. And that’s just one very real example of millions that explain the distaste. This is why its imperative to work on yourself and being the best person you can be in your own skin. With that comes the confidence that this is you. If someone can’t accept you as is, well, tough noogies!
Now - the most likable you is not very far off. I understand that not everyone is Ms. Friendly. But some conscious effort on your part can make all the difference. And if that’s what you’re looking for, here are some tips that work.
Meeting New People
Be Pleasant
Do you have a particular reason to frown as you shake a new hand? How about looking disinterested when all you are is nervous? The person that you are with can’t tell that something is on your mind because your behavior seems to be reacting to their presence. Have a welcoming presence about you. Be interested in what the person has to say. Your body language underscores or strikes out these very bits of advice. If you’re avoiding eye contact, slouching, mumbling, being overly quiet - you’re giving cues of disinterest or insecurity. You’re fantastic remember? Smile! Relax! … Really!
Genuine and Mentally Present
The advice above comes hand and hand with this because it is truly painful witnessing someone plaster a fake grin with dead eyes and a stiff handshake. Be genuine when speaking to others. When I say be interested in what the other person has to say, skip out on the daydreaming and engage in real conversation. Even if it’s small talk, listen to what he/she has to say and contribute to the conversation. See, there is a huge difference between hearing someone speak and listening to what they’re saying. When you hear someone, you hear the audible sounds that are streaming into your ears but you are not really aware of what they are talking about because your mind is elsewhere. Or perhaps its you politely being quiet and giving them ‘a turn to speak’ in which you go right back to what you were speaking about - not necessarily acknowledging their input. <<–You don’t want to do that.
Listening, however, means you are taking in the information and processing it in your mind. You are able to give feedback based on what was being said. When you are conscious of what’s going on, you catch on and store little bits of information that can matter later on. Be that person that remembers certain details and can bring it up later. People tend to be flattered by that kind of thing particularly because your attention means you cared about what they had to say. Simple yet very effective!
Give Your Company a Word In the Edgewise
Do you know about most people loving to talk about themselves? Be generous with conversation time by asking open-ended questions that need more than a Yes or No. Listen with interest. Share an anecdote, opinion, or story of your own. Natural conversation often evolves when this is done. Talking too much makes you seem nervous or scatterbrained (oh no!) and speaking too little insinuates that you can’t possible be very interesting. But here you are - you clever reader you - asking questions and engaging with the other person. You’re seeking your flow so go for it!
People You Know
It’s About Them Too!
Do you know how that person’s day is going? Did you ask? When is the last time a conversation had anything to do with the opposite party’s matters?
It’s so easy to get caught up in talking about ourselves and completely shut others out. It’s also painfully easy not to notice because sometimes other people aren’t the type to say “Ok - please. I need to talk too!” When you respect and appreciate another person, it shows through your actions. So when initiating conversation, skip the “I, I, I” for a moment and find out what’s going on with your present company. Even if it’s nothing, the fact that you asked is very often appreciated.
Be Helpful and Considerate
Kindhearted helpfulness and generosity are traits that ought not be underestimated. If you’re a friend that offers to help during tough times (you don’t need to sell your house and split your funds to be a good friend. Sometimes just an ear or an extra hand is priceless) you soon become seen as valuable. Be mindful of your actions. Don’t become a crutch or so selfless that you begin resenting your friendship. Rather, feed this friendship with a healthy dose of support and love. Be the kind of person that makes a rainy day better. You never know your impact or how that kindness returns.
Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
It’s tough to take a flaky person seriously. You build or disintegrate your rep as a friend every time you make and break/keep a promise. Become the kind of person the people around you can count on by making sure your actions match your statements at least most of the time. Another thing? Don’t say yes when you really mean no. Resentment is poison between people and you might begin behaving in ways that repel others without even knowing it!
Tone Down the Negativity
Does everything that leaves your mouth have to do with the words “Never, can’t, don’t, yeahhhh..sure” and things of that nature? Do you realize that you may be stomping on someone’s dreams without merit? Do you realize that constant negativity can be unattractive? You then become the friend that no one says anything to because you’re always being negative. Now, there is a difference between being negative and realistic. How can you add a realistic, positive input into the conversation? How can you disagree without attacking someone’s intelligence? Now I am aware that some people pride themselves at being brutally honest however if you’re not careful with your approach, you might find yourself brutally alone. 
Have Your Own Interests
Whether you are about to knock the socks off a new interest you just met or you love your bff to death, have your own interests. Your own time. Your own thing. Here’s why. You are going to have your own realm of things to talk about. That’s one. Two, excelling at your own interests breeds confidence and inner strength. Every time you do something for yourself despite the surrounding commentary, you are telling yourself you COUNT enough to pay attention to. That confidence will serve you in many a place but in the context of others, you will be able to be genuine or listen with interest like I mentioned above because you are not too busy assuming someone’s style or being so self conscious that you can’t carry a conversation. You’ll be more likely to have input, opinions, and experiences to share.
Being Yourself… and Why
It can be sorely tempting to act like Whats-Her-Face because people love that she’s so smart or like That-Girl because she’s a fashionista. There is nothing wrong with working your own smarts or looking good but pushing yourself so out of your element that you feel unnatural is not a good idea. Your personality is yours so be consistent. I personally think everyone can enhance themselves with tips from self improvement that has to do with positive thinking and growth. A smile isn’t fake if you genuinely have reasons to be happy and grateful. It IS fake is you put it on for no other reason but to look like So-and-So when people are looking.
Dig deep and bring out the best in you. Get comfortable with her. Do things to invite people around you instead of hurting them and turning them off with unkind actions. If you’re mindful of others, they’ll be mindful of you.
All in all, being the best you is all you can do and know that it’s always enough. If you want to attract others, think of what’s going on with you. Would you like your own company? Do you contribute to the happy factor in other people’s day? The authentic you is what sticks - change for people and somehow they can sense the fake factor and react accordingly.
Don’t forget - you get to choose good company too!
So how about you? What are some things that people like about you? Surely you know - don’t be shy about sharing!
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Completely agree with “just be yourself”. It’s the most important thing, and as I grow older, I am learning to be myself and to worry less about others’ reaction to me - though I still care too much and am looking forward to my 40s (well not in all respects but in this one) - I am told that women in their forties tend to finally stop trying to please others. Sounds liberating!
Vereds last blog post..Not Sure I Am Ready To Be 37
Oh! And to answer your question… I think my friends like that I’m funny and that I don’t take myself too seriously.
Vereds last blog post..Not Sure I Am Ready To Be 37
@Vered- Things don’t just change when your in your forties. Poeple who still need to please will still be pleasing but those who decide to stop can do that at any age. Maybe it just takes most folks a while to get to that point. The big difference I noticed when I reached forty was that the eyesight went.
I am a teacher and I have noticed that it doesn’t seem to matter where I am, kiddos come up to me smiling and wanting to talk or play. I think I just attract them.
What big people like about me is that I am out there and am ok with it. I’m a bit unusual, funny, outgoing, and adventurous. They have fun around me and I will tell them what I think but I do it with humor and tact. In spite of the above mentioned, I am also gentle and tender. I will do anything for my friends.
I love this post. I find it so true that what you described as needing to realize that you can be fabulous and still have others not exactly think so. Realizing that I am what I am despite what others think - good or bad - has been my key to finding happiness and confidence. No one else gets to decide for me if I am fabulous or not - only I decide, and then live that out.
We all have so much more control over what we are and what we portray than we often think. Since I have realized how much I can control that, I think it’s part of my purpose for my life to live out the best most positive person I can be, even in the face of not so great stuff sometimes.
Emilys last blog post..Click Happy
I like the genuine approach you took here. You just can’t fake your way to likability–at least not in the long term. You can only do your best to show off your most appealing side. And there’s definitely a difference between making new friends and keeping old ones. When making new friends, novelty is important. But once your funniest stories have been told, the way you actually treat people is what keeps them in your corner–you can’t fake that. Great article.
Saras last blog post..Letting Yourself Go on ‘What Not to Wear’
You have some good solid advice.
Also, I would like to add..
# Compliment people. Tell the other person something you admire about them.
# Make eye contact. It is kind of unnerving when you are talking to someone and they keep moving their head around. You can’t tell if they are listening or not. Whoever you’re talking (or listening) to, look at them straight in the eye.
Shamelles last blog post..8 Ways To Ease Yourself Out Of Nosy Questions Without Being Rude
Hi JEMi,
Your anonymous reader got themselves a real treat. This post is filled with so much great information.
For some it’s hard to know who “yourself” is. I think that’s the hardest part for young people as they travel on that journey of finding themselves. Spending time alone is very important in that aspect.
Agreed. Listening is so important. If others don’t feel like you’re paying attention, it won’t be long before they start distancing themselves from you.
And yes, negativity can be like a death sentence in relationships. No one really wants to spend a lot of time with a person who is constantly finding fault and complaining.
BTW: the girl in the first photo has a beautiful smile, just like you do.
Smiling is important too!
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..NBOTW Promotes Living Green
@ Vered: That DOES sound liberating
Happy upcoming Birthday dear Vered! And about your friends - that is def. a very loveable trait. Who doesn’t love a good laugh?
@ Laurie: Hello you! I always appreciate gentle and tender people. Really
Little people, big people - sounds like you’re appreciated all around. You are confident within yourself and I think that fantastic. I think that’s where all the Laurie Magnetism comes from!
@ Emily: Welcome to the walk InMyHeels Emily. I agree with you. Choosing to be positive in this life is a huge deal because it makes such a POSITIVE impact on you, your relationships, your sense of self, etc. It’s so wonderful!
@ Sara: *smile* Thank you! It’s good to see you ’round these parts (of the web). I love when you said “When making new friends, novelty is important. But once your funniest stories have been told, the way you actually treat people is what keeps them in your corner–you can’t fake that” It’s so true and yet a little difficult for some people to believe because they don’t trust their authentic self to be good enough for others. Hmm.. sounds like a post idea!
@ Barbara: *cheesy grin* Thank you! I love this pic because of the smile as well and just HAD to use it! Lol
You made SUCH and important point! Many of us are not sure what “yourself” is. Thinking back, its spending so much time alone that has brought me down this path. So you dropped a gold nugget of wisdom here
I heard a great quote the other day, I forget where, but it went something like this:
“In your family does drawing breath mean you’ve become the listener?”
It certainly used to be like that in my household. Keep talking or prepare to listen! It often seems thats all people are waiting for, the other person to pause long enough so that they have a chance to offer their opinion on how things really are.
The active listening part is crucial. Ever spoken to anybody that’s met Bill Clinton? I have, and also heard many more interviewed. He makes every person feel like they are the only person in the world and he rocks them big time whatever their politics. That is a skill anybody can learn if they’re willing to try.
Anybody that really wants to improve their skills could benefit from learning pacing and leading and matching and mirroring too. Core skills that can make a huge difference. Also, be aware that if you are in a direct value conflict with somebody you’re better just getting out of there because nothing much will help short of a punching him or her squarely in the face and that’s not nice. If you don’t know your values and how to spot a conflict, you should and I know a great free e-book that explains it all
Finally, gotta agree with Laurie, Vered. Hitting 40 will make zero difference in how you view things, make the changes now.
And even more finally. I read a post on a similar subject yesterday that left me shaking my head in disbelief. This was so much better it’s like comparing Filet Mignon to beef jerky with suitable apologies to any of my vegetarian friends!
Tim Brownsons last blog post..The Maverick Mindset
It is often not pleasant to hear that you won’t be liked by everyone, but it is the cold hard fact that everyone is not going to like you! Dealing with this takes a nice dose of thick skin. Unless you do something that would give a person a reason not to like you, it’s hard to sit with the idea that someone might not like you upon your just walking in the door. Well, I personally chalk that up to jealousy, but perhaps that’s just my way of dealing with a situation like that.
You give some great examples and suggestions here of how to get others to like you! I love this article and I’m glad I found you.
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Dr. KCs last blog post..How Do I Know What Medication is Best for my Mental/Emotional Disorder?
I am trying to learn not to give off this disengaged vibe that others feel from meeting me.
I know I do have that tendency, I just need to work on some resounding issues.
This was a great article. I think I DO need to learn to be comfy in my own skin, which is often hard for me to do. Not sure why…and I’m trying to figure out how to break that pattern.
Networking has become important aspect of modern life. This will certainly help, Thanks!
Nathalie Lussiers last blog post..Accepting The Source Of Your Income
im a sixteen year old boy from australia.
this is a great piece of writing. as someone as young as myself who is developing as a person i can truely say that i feel as if i have changed a bit.
when i think about friendships i always put myself in the other persons shoes, i wonder how they will feel if i say something and speak my words accordingly. you could say i conform to a certain criteria when trying to make new friends or just conversing with existing friends.
your article was very good.
well done.
Great post! I think remembering that it’s not always about you (as tough as it can be to believe that!) really helps add some perspective on how we interact with each other. I remind myself that I don’t like everyone else, so why should they all like me?
As for stopping the people-pleasing thing - I’d heard that about turning 30!
I do find though, that as you get older and more knowledgeable about what you want, you start realizing what’s important and what isn’t…
deepalis last blog post..the unresentful life
Wow, JEMi. These words really cheer my shift in thinking…having presented ME in the past for pure acceptance and validation by others, rather than presenting my best, likable me with the knowledge that every person on the planet may not connect…and that’s ok.
Some that have connected say I was a hard nut to crack (??). Funny, the hardest nuts are usually softies on the inside *smile*.
Thanks for sharing….
Ashe.Selah
Ashe.Selahs last blog post..Sistine Dreams on a Crayon Budget
The two most precious things we can give someone is time and attention. Your posting explains this so well. If we don’t listen how can we understand? If we don’t understand how can we be compassionate? If we’re not compassionate how can we hope to make the world a better place?
Keep up the good work!
Url: http://catchthevision.wordpress.com
How can you be yourself AND modify the way you interact with people? Either you are nice to people, or a terrible person. Either way, you will have friends, and probably get married (somehow). You just have to stop feeling entitled to things that you don’t deserve.
You want to be happy? Stop acting like anyone owes you anything. That includes being likable beyond your capacities.