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Have you ever felt stuck at any point in your life?
You know that you want to make positive changes, be happier, get things done, discover the exciting possibilities available to you and yet something is holding you back.
Something like perpetual doubt and negative statements informing you of your inabilities and past failures in the form of a loop that won’t stop playing in your mind.
It’s a frustrating place to be in and the longing for better things in life gnaw at you. But where do you begin? Change is uncomfortable and so even if you are already uncomfortable with the way your life is, its familiar and therefore nesting in your familiar, uncomfortable unhappiness seems to be the easier thing to do.
Curious, though.. How do you get unstuck in life? Out of a rut and into the good stuff that others seem to be enjoying?
Life Coach Tim Brownson is full of useful insights and he shared them with me - and I couldn’t be any more grateful. So forwarding the good advice along, I hope these keys are as helpful to you as they have been to me.
No Fighting with Your Feelings
The thoughts and the feelings come. It’s what they do however you can do one of two things. You can be angry/stressed/upset about your current state of mind, perhaps stoking the flames of the negative emotions into an even larger fire or you can step back and observe your feelings. To observe your emotions is to actually become aware of what’s running rampant in your mind.
What’s going on?
What is it that you’re telling yourself over and over again?
If you know what you’re working with, you can do something about it.
Tim’s lesson in this is don’t judge your feelings. The act of judging your feelings alone creates an even greater deficit. This is a simple instruction but admittedly tougher than it sounds since you’re dealing with the habit of judging your own thoughts. Which leads us into the next point.
Uh Uh! Catch Those Thoughts
Negative thought loops can be slippery little fellas that are hard to catch and here’s why. You become so used to the thoughts and the feelings that come along with them that they become ho-hum background noise in your mind. It takes a level of consciousness to catch them and change them. So here’s what you do. If you can remember to check in on your thoughts, you can grow your level of consciousness and work on them. One very useful suggestion Tim shared with me was to utilize post it notes to remind myself to check in. He also mentioned that I move them around because after a while, they too can become “background noise”. In other words, if you get really used to seeing them in their usual position, you stop paying attention. This little exercise is worth trying out because it took me a few days to realize that the reason I was falling back into a slump was because I was back in sync with my negative loop! I had forgotten to check in. So from little alerts on my cell phone to a little post-it in books that I’m reading, I make it my business to consciously change my thoughts. In my opinion, its quite a bit of leg work. But then again, so is a long continuous stream of dissatisfaction. It is my intention to be able to do this more and more without the reminders but its a great place to start.
Who Cares What People Think?
One very surprising source of stress can be the gross preoccupation with what others think of you. You may not realize it at first but if you’re constantly worried about where you are in life in comparison to your peers or what they think of what you’re doing with yourself, your decision making can be hindered (for a long time at that) and concentrate on an outcome that doesn’t genuinely make you happy. That’s where that unsettled dissastified feeling may come from. You may read - until you turn blue - that you ought to find something that you’re passionate about. But what happens if you don’t think what you’re passionate about will bring you the status or income that another job might? What happens if you’re constantly afraid about appearing inferior to others? Your choices are no longer yours. If you want positive change for yourself, you have to advocate for what really matters to your irregardless of what others might think.
Bless the hearts of those who are already past this stage in their life. Tim did an exercise with me which perfectly displayed my own discomfort with having others think I’m silly. Quite honestly, merely thinking about going against the grain in certain situations was as comfortable as swallowing a grapefruit whole. But it also helped me realize a very empowering fact. Many people spend exorbitant amounts of time worrying about their own appearances in front of others. Some of the major decisions I needed to make for my own life have been thrown askew by what So-and-So might think. This can go on for the majority of your life or it can decrease because you’ve decided to live for yourself. It’s an unabashedly liberating feeling that comes with one conscious action after the other.
Life: Your Subjective Experience
For many of us, life seems to be something that happens to us. It’s easy to think you can’t help the level of your own happiness because of things that may have occurred in your life or words someone has said to you. But the more I work with Tim, the more I have come to realize that a good lot of it is a game of perspective. A situation could be a) the worst thing that has ever happened to you or b) the best opportunity that has come your way to date.
So what is the positive spin on something that is making you unhappy right now?
I struggled with this at first but I realized that a shift in perspective is indeed life changing. Since I am particularly talented at being hard on myself, I had a lot of material to work with 
But I can attest to this truth - the more you rephrase your thoughts in the form of its Positive Spin, the easier it gets to see things in your favor.
I strongly recommend Tim’s e-book Know Yourself, Change Yourself because a lot of the very valuable work he has done with me can be found in it.
In closing, I must say that it’s an eye-opening experience … talking with someone whose focus is to help you shift your perspective from the negatives that plague you into the positives in the possibilities that life has in store for you. I also felt a strong sense of validation when, in speaking to Tim, I realized that I am not the only soul in the world going through certain things - no matter how much it seems that I am. That’s helpful because you then know that you can indeed pull yourself out of the rut that you feel stuck in. You know - for a fact - that people do it all the time. The thing is a good Life Coach can give you the right tools but it really is up to you to utilize them. You can read this blog post and have it go over your head or you can take a stab at it and try the advice that Tim has shared with me.
Your perspective IS the world of difference.
It’s how you get unstuck.
Photos by: Kent Barrett and eastling.
This is absolutely beautifully written. Whenever someone asks me about how I work through things that have happened in my life and how I came out this side positive and happy, I say what you just did. It’s all about perspective. If someone wants to be miserable, they can find a way to make any situation miserable while someone who wants to be happy can make even the worst stuff into a blessing. It is all about the spin and who we choose to be and how we choose to respond. Happiness isn’t something that just falls into your lap one day because you make enough money now and have enough friends. It’s something you work on through every situation in you life, choosing to see the good.
Powerful stuff. I definitely worry too much about what others think, even though I know that they’re usually not even noticing the things I’m obsessing about. It’s pretty egotistical to think that everyone cares about what I do, or that they’re lying in wait to pounce on my mistakes. Silly Sara…
I’m getting pretty good at having a positive outlook. I think it’s also good to try to be a positive (but realistic) mirror for others. I got downsized at one point, and having my manager tell me that this was the best thing that ever happened to me was incredibly helpful. It got me through the pity party a heck of a lot quicker, that’s for sure. I try to pass that on to others when the opportunity arises. In the end, though, it all comes down to ourselves, and we either believe that we can make things better or we don’t.
Again, I’m really enjoying your life coach series!
Sara at On Simplicitys last blog post..Three Things You’ve Given Up and Never Regretted
This is really well written. I’ve been thinking at times of getting a life coach to help me balance my personal and professional life and work through some issues I feel might be holding me back. great topic, will be sharing with friends.
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Hi Smiling JEMi
It’s good to see you writing again. I certainly missed you.
Life often dishes out hard times, confusing times, and happy times for us, but in each situation we have a choice how we will act/react. It’s in those choices where our happiness lies. By choosing to remain positive and asking “what can I learn from this?”, we often find those “down” times are a blessing in disguise.
I do agree it’s silly to worry about what other people will think. Most of the time their lives are so busy, they’re not thinking about us at all.
It sounds like Tim is doing a great job at opening your eyes to all of the possibilities that lie ahead of you. I have no doubt you’ll go far.
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Very deep and powerful content. Thanks for sharing your experience, this is something we all can benefit from!
Hi JEMi - I was getting worried when you didn’t post for a while. It sounds like your work with Tim is really helping you a lot.
Worrying about what others will think can really hold you back can’t it? I try my best not to do it - but when I’m writing a blog post, I often worry about how it will be received, so I guess I still worry about the opinions of others to some extent.
Cath Lawsons last blog post..Toxic Relationships - Does Blood Matter?
Great post.
Being that my birthday is tomorrow, I’ll be 26 and I feel ready to tackle my life again, I realize it’s both scary and unnerving but I’m ready.
I do let others actions dictate my life to me to some degree. Not as much as before but enough for me to notice the truth of it all.
I am getting out of Atlanta for a long weekend and I plan to do some soul searching away from all that’s familiar and come back with a sketching of a plan.
Good post, Jemi!
The older I get the more I realize the only one I need to please is me. I’m the one in this skin. I’m with me all the time. I have to be able to live at peace with me so I need to please myself and live up to my standards. No one else in the world shares my unique combination of desires, passions, and loves so no one else would be pleased just like me. Living true to myself would be living to my desires, passions, and loves. And besides, red is my favorite color and I’m not changing that for anybody!!! :O)
I like the way you have mentioned ‘No fighting your feelings’. Often we spend so much energy into fretting over and avoiding what we are feeling that we never come around to resolving them and moving further in life.
Avani-Mehtas last blog post..Mind Power to Overcome Anxiety And Be Stress Free
I read somewhere that we have about 60,000 thoughts a day, and about 90% of those are the same thoughts we had the day before, and the day before that, and so on. It’s no wonder we keep recreating the same situations in our lives over and over again. I agree with you (and Tim) that stepping back and paying attention to what you’re saying to yourself is definitely one of the most powerful tools to move forward.
Marelisas last blog post..Your Anti-Career Guide – A Holistic Approach to Discovering Your Life’s Work
I am basically happy with my life, but I definitely care too much about what others think. I am gradually liberating myself from this, but it’s still there, and you are right: it’s stressful.
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Very well written post. It’s good that you’re sharing these insights to others.
JEMi - you packed a lot of information in this post. It seems like I’ve been working on these things my whole life. I’ve made some progress and have come a long way. I still have a lot more to do.
I have Tim’s e-book. I like the suggestions he gave you for catching those thoughts and using the post-it notes and checking in. That’s good advice. I get caught up in those old thoughts and the tapes start rolling.
Good to see Tim is helping you. Good post - it’s just what I needed to hear.
Blessings,
Pat Rs last blog post..In Between Worlds
Cool insight and reasonable. Life isn’t what they think. But its more about me. One of the bests reads for this week. Thanks for sharing.
Susannos last blog post..# Simple Post could Drive Huge Traffics
HI Jemi,
what a very motivating message. Thanks a lot!
It’s what I’m experiencing a lot recently as well, and as you said it’s caused by our impression on what others think, and our comparison with our peers!
Now, it’s the time to do it. To let go this stuck feeling!!!!
All the best for you too!
Robert
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Really beautiful post. I’m glad I wound up here today. The worst thing anyone can do to move forward is to look behind their shoulders, wondering what people are saying. Your immediate circle is one thing, but if you give so much as a blink to the thoughts of anyone else, then your only wearing an anchor around your own neck.
Hey Jemi -
You know what my feelings are on this already right? It’s finding a purpose and something to move towards -
When we’re in a situation we don’t like, that bores us, or that is negative, it’s hard to feel anything but stuck -
But if we have goals that inspire us and mentors to help us, are around people that challenge and stimulate us, and seek out positive experiences and environments, it’s hard to feel anything but good and motivated all the time -
This is so well written. I have been at this point in my life before and its very cyclical. I do need to be challenged and always try to have positive thoughts.
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