Loading ...The turmoil developed in being in a bad relationship with someone you love is not one to be underestimated. It is easy enough from the outside looking in to pass judgement and/or speculate at what you would do if you were in someone’s heels. The logic often seems clear enough and it may seem like weakness if the hurt party refuses to leave.
Good thing here at InMyHeels.com, the perspective is often swiveled to the other side - where it matters.
I want to loosely define a bad relationship as I do understand the dynamics between two people are often so vast, I most likely won’t even touch them all.
- An Abusive Relationship: If you’re dealing with physical, verbal, emotional abuse - you are dealing with a big problem that can’t/won’t change over night. You may have realized by now that your relief that the anger directed towards you had blown over is usually short-lived. It is usually a recurring activity that doesn’t change simply because of a kiss, sex, or words that literally say “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again”. In this case, talk is cheap.
- A Relationship With No Trust: I will be touching on this topic in the future but generally, a relationship living with zero to little trust within it is merely surviving. Whether you have been lied to and you can’t trust him further than you can throw him, or you cannot be trusted nowadays because you have this compulsion to (fill in the blank), without the decision to overcome this, it will overcome you.
- A One-Sided Relationship: Anything requiring you to merely exist in the place where a girlfriend/wife might stand with no regards for your feelings, needs, or wants is not a relationship. So no, a union that may only exist if you are kept in control is not the definition of relationship. In fact, your role in this is not the definition of you.
- A Relationship With a Damaged Individual: OK, for lack of better terms, I use the word damaged and what I mean by that is someone who has a whole lot of internal work to do but relies on the relationship to fill in the void. For instance, someone with a really bad case of low self-esteem might take everything you do and judge it critically in order to prove/disprove how much you love him. This may be the constant starting point for many arguments, jealousy and maybe even dangerous behavior, building resentment, and so forth. This type of relationship can be especially frustrating because it is not that the person you’re with doesn’t love you or that you don’t love him. It’s the fact that your sanity is probably on the line because most likely you aren’t equipped to deal with such intensity and you may never know when that intensity turns into danger.
Chucking Denial to Recognize the Truth
This is admittedly very difficult to do. When you’ve found someone you love and he has a “few flaws”, they don’t look so bad when you are comparing life with him to a life without him - or anyone for that matter. The companionship can sometimes feel so good so it can’t be all that bad right? And besides. Single life? YOU?? *Cringe*
Let’s swivel that point of view for a moment.
Peering at your relationship through rose-colored Chanel shades only distorts the image in your mind. It doesn’t change the facts that are chipping away at your heart and soul little by little. You need to remember that you are valuable enough to protect. A bad relationship can slowly destroy the person that you are and you may one day find yourself as a shell of the person you used to be. The fear of being alone is a legitimate one but it doesn’t trump the reality of your situation. You deserve happiness and a healthy companionship.
Hiding Your Pain From Your Friends
Are you preventing the people who care about you from finding out what’s going on because you don’t want them to dislike your partner? Of course there is the need for privacy within relationships however usually, when someone has a significant problem, the best friend or the mom (or whoever it is you confide in) hears about it in hopes of finding good advice. So if you’re at the point where bad is just becoming worse and you stifle your pain with the intention of keeping your partner in a great light, you have a serious problem in your hands. Is it that you already know what they are going to say and you don’t want to hear it? What does that say? Is it that your partner will look bad and you know this kind of thing tends to pass by the end of the week? What does THAT say?
You have every right to maintain your privacy. Intimate details of the good, the bad, and the very ugly don’t need a spot on the front page news. However, if you need help and you know it, going to someone you can truly trust can be a first step in finding a resolution. Hopefully you have a sympathetic, non-judgemental (or at least quiet about it), compassionate friend at your disposal. If you don’t, there are also professionals - free ones as well - available to you to help you pore over your options. You must remember that if handling a bad relationship in silence has brought you nowhere at this point, a considerate objective point of view may help you take the step back you need to truly assess your situation - you know.. without the rose colored Chanel shades.
Sometimes, you’re just going to hear what you don’t want to hear. However, don’t forget that you’re listening to opinions and ultimately, it is your actions that will dictate what happens in your future. Just be mindful of who you are going to (a biased ex may mean well but let’s pay attention to the intentions shall we?) as well as the reality of what’s going on at home. You’re the one living the growing nightmare. The people who hear about it can only weigh in on what you tell them. Hiding your pain won’t absolve it - you need the support of your loved ones. Accept it.
When a Resolution Isn’t Possible
A maddening aspect of a bad relationship is when you begin to realize all the “talking it through” in the world is not changing anything for the better. When the screaming, the fighting, the ignoring the problem or any other method of response is all for naught, you two are literally at stagnant point where you can either remain or leave. I don’t believe it is impossible to come to a resolution - even for difficult situations. Where there’s a will, there is love. But that’s just it - when there is no will in either one or both parties to find/comply with a solution that embraces growth and change, there really isn’t anything that can be done. It is a personal decision to recognize a problem and to actively work on change. It cannot be forced upon anyone no matter how much sense you make. Sometimes it not because your partner doesn’t love you. It can be an internal struggle much deeper than anything you can touch from where you stand and without the desire to overcome it, you are not going to find what you’re looking for out of the relationship. If there is an internal struggle is within you, you can understand as an adult that thinking/feeling/being this way is a lifestyle built on decisions upon decisions made from a certain point of view from whatever point in your life. It cannot be disassembled by merely saying “I’ll change”. Change comes from more than just words. It requires the desire for change, the step-by-step actions that encourage change, and the consistency required to make those actions into new habits.
When a resolution isn’t possible and the only solution available to keep you safe, happy, or intact is to leave, don’t ignore it because it feels bad. Of course it feels horrible; but so does staying. The only difference is with the first option, there is hope for a new and better day whereas the latter only promises more of the same if not worse misery.
You Aren’t Weak for Leaving
When you’ve made vows or promises that you honor and respect, even thinking about leaving a relationship that you know is terrible for your well being is that much more difficult. It is not a topic to be taken lightly and it may go against things that you believe in. Making the decision to leave is a very personal decision that only you can make. I just feel the need to point out this one thing. When you are in a relationship that is damaging the person that you are emotionally and/or physically, the true weakness is cultivated in accepting such treatment. It is not a crime to have made a mistake or a drastic misjudgement of character. It is not a failure to recognize negative changes that, even after a long time, are exacerbated instead of fading. It is not a character flaw to secretly fall out of love or cease to want to be with someone who is constantly hurting you. Your relationship is not an indicator of how valuable of a person you are. If you’re told no one could love you better or love you at all, know that this is a tactic to keep you under a thumb; to manipulate you using your own fears and insecurities to maintain a certain level of control. You are a person who, regardless of what has been said, deserves love, peace, and happiness in your life. You are not destined to be robbed of that - you are only where you permit yourself to be. That power is in your own hands. You are NOT weak for deciding it’s time to leave. It takes a great amount of internal strength to get up and walk away from something you have become comfortable with (yes, you can become comfortable in an abusive situation because it is what you know). It takes great strength to begin a change in your life.
What Are YOUR Reasons?
You can hear solid advice until you have enough material to write a best-selling self help book. You can probably tell the best of ‘em what a bad situation looks like. You can tell, logically, that you should not be in this relationship. But without your own reasons to find the nearest exit, the words will fall on the deaf ears of your own consciousness. It is so important to identify the reasons you need to leave for your own purposes. To make a conscious decision, you need to tap into your own reality. WHY do you need to get out? Is it that you began to hate yourself? Are you in danger? Do you have children that you need to protect? Is the abuse growing with time? Do you feel unsatisfied? Have you tried to resolve it with your partner? Do you long for a life without him? Is he hitting you? The questions are all there. After that, you need to ask yourself - How do these things make you feel?
It may help, in your quiet privacy, to write this all down and look at it on paper. It can hit you hard to see a growing list or that one, unsolvable reason that is getting in the way between you and your happiness. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend you leave such writings lying around. Destroy it if you must. But take a look at what you’ve written and start to see your truth.
What are your reasons for wanting to leave? They are there. Acknowledge them - they are the purpose behind your pending actions. Without them, you will continue to be lost.
Before You Go - Are You IN a Bad Relationship or Are You Running?
This is an important question to ask yourself because sometimes, it is discomfort or fear that sends us packing - and not our actual partners.
You owe it to yourself as well as your partner to explore this possibility because if you find that your instinct is pushing you to run from something that shouldn’t be abandoned, you have an opportunity to allow vulnerability to strengthen your relationship instead of destroy it. Some of us are terrified of commitment and use any little mistake to justify ending a relationship. People make mistakes. People argue, annoy each other, poke and prod, get jealous- the works. It would be unnatural to see absolute perfection 100% of the time. So in this case, you are not necessarily in a bad relationship. You are in a normal one. A bad relationship can be identified by seeing consistent extremes of one of several of these behaviors. They prevent love from growing. A relationship with potential sees these things from time to time but can be worked on if you and your partner are willing to.
It is most important to learn how to be honest with yourself. If you sincerely don’t want to be in a relationship, it is unfair to pin your partner with the insinuation of inadequacy in your leaving him (way to leave some scars!). If you have certain aspects that you are just dissatisfied with, look to finding ways WITH your partner to fulfill the voids instead of running for the hills. If you find that you have constantly labeled relationships as bad ones in the past because of things that, let’s be honest, could have been resolved - then you have some homework to do within yourself. Only then will you be able to go into a relationship that you can label good, even if it does come to an end.
My friend, you owe it to yourself to truly live your life. The fear of loneliness can be there, but when will you realize that it is possible to be lonely in a bad relationship as well? You are not required to accept abuse in this lifetime. You are not required to look the other way every single time you are lied to, cheated on, taken for granted, and so forth. You are allowed to discover and cherish the beauty in you and you are definitely allowed to experience it with someone who knows how to love you. Don’t rob yourself of the simple joys in life. If you need to leave, do so. The only thing harder than leaving a bad relationship is staying in one.
What’s your take on ending a bad relationship - even if you’re still in love?
Photos by: Macarena C. and Netream
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Stacey Derbinshire
Very interesting post. I am glad I did not have to deal with that. Only had one boyfriend who is my husband now.
Jojo’s last blog post..How do you define LOVE?
Good post! The longer you stay in a bad relationship, the worse it gets for both people.
This advise is not just for women. I am in a bad relationship right now and I have trouble letting her go. But all she does is lie, I have to. Jemi this is an excellent excellent article. Your site is very nice.
How do you come up with these great posts? Not short ones either. This is a very good one. I haven’t really been in a relationship where there was abuse or anything like that, but for other reasons I had to get out.
If a relationship doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t right. Go.
Natural Woman’s last blog post..Bad Penny
Ok. Was in that one-sided relationship. Stuck in it for a couple of years. A lot of times I didn’t admit to people I was in a relationship with this person. I still don’t know why I stayed for so long. Best to recognize and leave early. I should have left after the first month.
SoupNumber5’s last blog post..Chris Rock - Married and Bored, Single and Lonely
Great post!
For me, I have incredibly low tolerance for BS and very high standards for how I want to be treated…..therefore, I have broken up with every GF who ever started to mess with me. Not right away, of course, but once I see a pattern forming….goodbye.
My belief is that if you have very high standards for how you will allow yourself to be treated, then others will sense that, and conform to your standards.
“We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated”
Stumbled!
Conrad Hees’s last blog post..Differentiation and The Blogosphere
I was in a very one-sided relationship with the person I thought was “the one” and in SERIOUS denial about it because he didn’t out-right treat me badly. Eventually, he did me the biggest favor ever and broke up with me because I was “in love with” him and while he loved me, he wasn’t “in love with” me. After the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, I was devastated. Slowly but surely, time start healing my open wounds and now, I’m in love with myself.
Hardest, yet best experience I’ve ever gone through.
Mecca’s last blog post..A tad stressed…
I have recently read an article in GQ about being the “back burner”, a female friend of a guy that basically makes him feel sexy and sassy and interesting. The portion about being in a one-sided relationship complements that. I had to end that portion of our relationship and this article makes me feel even better about what I did. Thanks JEMi, you’re great.
I am in a relationship with a man I love very very much but he hits me for no reason. We’ve been together for four and a half years now. I know I need to leave. He’s always mad and he hurts me with the things he says. I know he cheats on me. What you said about being told no one else would love us I hear that almost every day and even though common sense tells me its not true I am still scared. Thank you for this article I have a lot to think about. This is just another sign I should leave. It’s just so hard.
Wow. I’m really thankful I have never had to deal with an abusive relationship.
e.p.’s last blog post..A basketball junkie? Me?
It’s unfortunate when this happens.
We have this tendency of trying to make things work even when this means putting ourselves in a position of being abused.
I hope women who are reading this that are in a bad relationship will understand that they need to come first before anyone else.
Sharon’s last blog post..Boxing Workout Secrets
Wow… reading the damaged individual one was like reading a description of my long-ex-boyfriend. First love, great guy… completely and totally depressed. Damaged is actually an excellent way to describe him.
After a year and a half, it was simply too much, and even though I was head-over-heels in love with him, I knew I had to get out. It was breaking my spirit, breaking my joy, because I couldn’t help him. I felt incompetent because I couldn’t help him.
We tried to keep in touch through college, but every time we talked, it all came rushing back. So we drifted apart, which I both hated and needed.
Now my high school reunion will be coming up, and since I’m assuming I’ll see him, I’m actually still all over the place. It still gets me worked up, geez… six years later.
Great article… I’ll be adding you to my Google reader!
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I Jemi - I found your blog through Barbara’s NBOTW and I can see why she chose you.
Your descriptions of the problems that can go wrong in relationships is so accurate, and I’m guessing that there’s many people out there in terrible ones.
If the problem isn’t fixable it’s best to leave. I was in a bad marriage for years and I didn’t have the courage to leave. Also I knew he wouldn’t go. In the end I wound up packing his suitcases and having the locks changed. That was three and a half years ago.
And I totally regret not doing it years earlier. I used to think splitting up would be bad for the kids, but he moved in with the woman he was seeing at the time and barely ever sees his kids (he saw them once last year for 2 hours) because she doesn’t want him to. And he hasn’t paid a penny in maintenance.
What I really regret is not choosing someone who would be a good father for my kids and I would urge anyone in a bad relationship to not even think about having children.
Catherine L’s last blog post..The Pros and Cons of Outsourcing
I found you through Barbara as well. I have had my share of bad relationships, but luckily for me they alway fell apart. I did have to end a couple and turn the “offender” away at a later date, which is easier when you’ve gotten some distance. I was fortunate enough to find a good guy to marry. I’ve added you to my reader and look forward to what you write in the future.
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I really appreciate everyone stopping by with their 2 cents. I treasure ‘em
Readers from Barbara’s Blogging Without A Blog, I welcome you with open arms
Thank you for stopping by!
Saw your comment on Natural’s site. I love that post so much. I maybe running, who knows. But let me tell you, You’ve described 90% of the people I know.
Tondy’s last blog post..Awesome Weekend!
Jemi, this is an awesome article. I was in a relationship once where he couldn’t trust me at all because he was so paranoid. He loved me, but he tried everything to get me to stay in with him so I wouldn’t go out with my friends.
.
He couldn’t understand that if he’s going to go out with his friends, I’m going to go out with mine. I guess he didn’t want me doing the things that he did when he was out….
Like I said, excellent article. I’m glad we met over make-up midterm because I’m definitely going to be an active reader
A one sided relationship is the worst in my opinion. I have tried it a few times, and it’s really awful. Unfortunately, it’s also hard to see that it’s the way it is, before it’s too late. Great post JEMi, really enjoyed it
Alex Kay’s last blog post..Double Your Dating eBook Review - Learn How to Be Successful with Women
Wow…it is very difficult to admit that a relationship is broken beyond repair. Often times abuse is impossible to recognize from the inside. Sadly, I managed to end up in two abusive relationships. One ended quickly, though nearly violently. The second took 4 years. Before I was able to move on I had to come to terms with myself - as a person and a woman. Independent of anyone else. Reliant on myself. It’s scary and definitely not easy. But it can be done. Great post!
castocreations’s last blog post..Don’t Be Fooled - Watch out for Scams
i had a bad relationship when i was still in high school. we lasted for 3y and 10m. the guy was cheating on me. but i didn’t noticed it or i didn’t want to know. he was cheating on me with my friends. stupid me. i decided to end it when a girl texted me that she has a relationship with my ex-bf. they were having this relationship for almost 1y and 3m. i confronted the guy and he admitted. it was so devastating and heartbreaking. i felt so much pain. i felt betrayed. So, I decided to end it all.
Thanks for the post.
leah’s last blog post..Power of Imagination
I personally dont have a high tolerance for BS. I also don’t take anything for granted nor do I assume that the respect shown will be reciprocated. With this being said, I tread lightly when in a relationship. This has led to me breaking up with some very great girls who may have just screwed up once or twice.
My thing is…if you screw up I’ll prob forgive you (depending on the screw up ofcourse) but the 2nd go-around is going to be way tougher than the 1st. The 2nd go around usually ends bitterly because some trust was lost after the first screw up.
Is it possible to forgive someone and not trust them anymore? i definitely think so. is that ok though? i dont think so…mainly because it hasnt worked out for me so far. Maybe it’s better to just end things after the first screw up :-\
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i just told my boyfriend i need to move out last night. It was the second time he was physically abusive and, having a daughter together, i knew it was time to go. Today, after the beer wore off, he is the kindest, most gentlest soul. Nuzzling me, and telling me he loves me 5 times in a row. Its so confusing, because this is the man i fell for… but i know when i get home tonight and he has a couple beers in him, it will be a whole different story. Thanks for writing this article, its helps me to have the courage to stand my ground, and be a strong woman for my daughter.