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Relationships have many fine points. The love and companionship, the intimacy, and the inside jokes all become part of that force that attaches you to someone. There may be many bad times as well but often times the good seems to outweigh the bad. Maybe you’ve even experienced a whole lot of bad but the little bits of good just feel SO good that you wait it out and hope change will bring with it a more consistent stream of better times.
Have you ever been trapped in that waiting period? Would you even know if you were?
There are many clues that can alert you to the stagnancy that we may be too blind in love to see. Sometimes the fear of loneliness or the unknown is more than enough to keep you in. Take those fears, throw in a healthy dose of denial and you’ve got yourself a situation. Without even knowing it, you may begin to change while hoping for change. Sometimes those changes within yourself are not for the better, but for the worse - you begin to disappear in the name of your relationship.
Many of us do all types of things in the name of love. But if you’re losing your sense of self, is it really love that you’re fighting for?
Signs: Have You Seen Her?
Hearing any gripes from family or friends about how much you’ve changed? Think they’re crazy? After all, they don’t REALLY know, right? Only you know the intricacies of your relationship. Only you know if that argument you told them about last week was actually the lighter one of the last three *really* bad ones. Only you know how well you are at handling it so you’re not that worried.
This part gets tricky for some because its easy to alienate those who know you best when it feels like they are against you and your relationship. If you are able to bear in mind the fact that at the end of the day, its your decision what you do or don’t do in love, maybe really listening to what your loved ones have to say isn’t such a horrible idea.
Too Close To See It
When emotions run rampant and you’re too close to the fire to see where it’s coming from, logic doesn’t always kick in. Let’s face it. When you love someone very deeply, even if you’re crying more than you’re smiling, comments like “At least I KNOW the bad drama with him…If I leave, I wouldn’t know how to handle the issues” makes perfect sense to you. Friends can insist, give pointed looks, and remind you relentlessly- for some people it doesn’t make a difference. The bottom line is your relationship is a priority.
You know how, in hindsight, you often hear a jilted lover say something along the lines of “I didn’t see it coming - I suppose the signs were there”? This is not only in reference to cheating - be mindful of the fact that more often than not, they are. If it’s love that you want to nurture, you owe it to yourself to recognize what is healthy and what’s iffy. Here are a couple of examples
It Happens: You don’t see your bff as often anymore because you’re spending more time with your partner.
Warning Sign: You don’t see your bff because he said so/all of your free time is his time/you have to hide.
It Happens: Arguments come up and so you compromise especially to keep the peace.
Warning Sign: Arguments come up and will never end unless you give up, even if it really hurts you to do so.
It Happens: You wear something because you know he’ll love it.
Warning Sign: Forget personal style. If he wouldn’t like it, you won’t wear it, say it, think about it.
It Happens: He’s into football - you never cared for sports. You learn so you can keep up.
Warning Sign: You never do anything you like to do anymore. Worst yet, you become the poster child of things you abhor and disagree with to please him. Hey - he’s passionate and why lose a man over your choice of a political party?
It Happens: You don’t talk about most troubles at home to maintain privacy.
Warning Sign: You don’t get help for troubles at home because everyone keeps telling you to leave and you struggle with the fact that they have a solid point.
It Happens: His choice of career means he needs a strong support system. You make some sacrifices - he would do the same for you!
Warning Sign: Your choice of career doesn’t matter anymore so there’s no point in pursuing your interests.
It Happens: You have an important decision to make and affects the both of you so of course, you call him and discuss it.
Warning Sign: You feel wrong if you didn’t run something pass him - and by something, I mean everything.
The Caveat
Losing yourself in a relationship:
- It can be very easy to do especially if you feel in order to keep someone happy and in love, you need to give as much of yourself as humanly possible to someone who doesn’t/won’t give that kind of dedication back.
- The fear of not being enough causes some people to go above and beyond their own comfort zones. This includes values, beliefs, and financial contributions.
- Physical, verbal, emotional abuse - all unacceptable. Logically, you know this but a certain sense of self erodes the longer this cycle continues. Have you ever muttered the words “I deserved it this time because I made him mad - I knew not to…” It’s possibly for someone to forget that they deserve to be treated better than that when this is what they know.
- Sometimes manipulation can be quiet and subtle. Until you believe you’re important enough to deserve better, his approval may be all that matters in life.
- You might think that if you change enough for him, he might change for you. You’re motivated by your ideals and are disappointed with the outcome. You might see a sliver of success through conversation only to be disappointed again next week. So you pull the trigger again and change a little bit more. As you wait for his change, you inch further and further away from the woman you used to be until you can’t see her anymore. And neither can he.
It’s a misconception if you honestly believe that you have to give up yourself in order to be with him. Hopefully you are part of a healthy relationship with a great guy where there is room for you! If there truly isn’t any, you’re not in a relationship. The avatar of the woman that’s supposed to be you is. You are then essentially robbing yourself of the right to love and respect from a partner AND from yourself. Tragic.
Loving Both You and Him
With the cornerstones of a happy, healthy relationship being communication and compromise, there is nothing wrong with loving with a whole heart. There is beauty in selflessness however that does not mean you lose your sense of self. In order to nurture your own self love, you can utilize a couple of the following suggestions:
Find Your Friends: They love you as is. They always have. Good ones will still exist even if you’ve been ‘gone’ for a while. Don’t underestimate the power of a good girlfriend. Laughter, perspective, understanding - these are all perks available to you.
Your Independence: You don’t need to ditch him to exercise some independence. Is your career or education on hold? Did they take a backseat? Is there are hobby you wish you could try? Even if you insist on taking baby steps, get out there and take a hold of something that benefits YOU. Try your hand on something that requires YOUR initiative and YOUR time. And no, don’t opt out because it means you have to come home late once in a while. Besides - absence makes a heart grow fonder. Really - it does.
Fight the Good Fight: I’m not suggesting you become a gladiator and turn your home into a war zone. Instead, I would say pick your battles. Staying mum about something that really hurts you isn’t really keeping the peace if your resentment is growing exponentially. Keeping in mind that it’s give and take, remember that it’s ok to take. Speak up and let him know what matters to you. Mutual respect is very necessary in a healthy relationship and if speaking up will cost you your man, you’ve never had him to begin with.
Me, Me, Me: Miss him a little. Go stretch out on the grass at the park or hit the spa. Do things that you love that he’d roll his eyes to. Watch your chick flick. Indulge in the goodness that is all you. If you haven’t done it in a while, you might be at a loss. But you’ve got to start somewhere. You may be surprised how much good it will do for your relationship when you become an entity of your own.
Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
At the end of the day, the greatest fear for some might be loving someone who doesn’t love them back the same way, if at all. While some people suffer because they never get the object of their affection, others do by remaining in a relationship where they hope to change things by attempting to become whoever he wants.
Although this article I’ve written - Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back - touches upon this painful experience, I must say here that as frightening and as painful as it may be, you’re hurting yourself more by giving up your chance at happiness by belittling the woman that you are. A nice word here or there, or praise for doing something well is not the same as being loved and cared for. It may feel soothing to hang on for the next instance of attention .. but what you’re looking for does not come from rewards for service. It comes from love.
If there is anything in this world that you can do, you can give yourself the greatest act of love by holding on to the woman that you are. Single or attached, she still matters - and being attached to someone who loves you for the person you really are is an exhilarating, wonderful feeling.
If you must do one thing in the name of love, hold on to the woman who is doing the loving in the first place. Don’t be fooled. It’s never too late. Seek and ye shall find .. you.
Photo by: mikem1115
