Tips for Life, Love, You. | 2007 December archive at InMyHeels.com

Archive for December, 2007

27DecLife. What’s In It For You?

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Photo by treyevan

I’m almost giddy because I feel like I’m about to tell you a secret.  Well, secret may not be the word because you may Google the topic of self improvement to your heart’s content but hear me out for a moment.  The notion isn’t a new one but just maybe - even if you’ve heard “there’s only ONE LIFE TO LIVE” a million and three times - you haven’t really considered how to get the best bang for your buck.

Taking the time to really look at yourself and where you’re at on actual satisfaction with self is so important.  You could live the most affluential lifestyle known to man.  You could be at the top of the world with perfect hair and a fool proof plan to stay there.  In fact, whatever success is to you, you could absolutely cloak yourself in it and clutch its golden fabrics.  But if you aren’t happy with yourself and the life that you star in, you’re missing out in the biggest way. 

The problem many people have is putting all the focus and attention on the aesthetics of The Good Life.  You know- as long as you look like you’re playing your role successfully, you’re as good as gold. 

But that’s the thing.  There’s more to it than that.

There’s a world of difference between flashing a smile and having a reason to smile.  Wearing a great outfit and feeling really good in the skin you’re in.  Owning a house and living in a home.  Being coupled up and being in a meaningful relationship.  Speaking out loud and having something to say.  Being seen by everyone who counts and being seen as someone who counts.

The longer you pretend that it’s all the same thing, the longer you cut yourself short.


I believe in wanting better for yourself and taking the initiative to find out what “better for you” entails. 

Choosing To Live a Conscious Life

If you’ve ever felt like you were just rolling with the punches, that life is just happening to you, or that you don’t have any say in the happiness you feel in life, I’d like to introduce you to Conscious Living. 

When you choose to live consciously, you choose to live life in full color: aware of your feelings, your circumstances, and your choices.  The incredibly powerful thing about this is with awareness comes a new palette of choices for richer experiences in your world.  

You don’t have to live a life that is a byproduct of a series of events.  This goes for every single facet of the life that you know now.  Work, school, relationships, friendships, health-every one of these things affect how you feel about life and every one of these things can be tweaked to a richer quality.  Who says you have to stifle a depression that is growing underneath the surface of your day job?  If you aren’t happy with the work that takes up such a huge percentage of your day to day life, you can choose to explore options that are rooted in something that you actually enjoy doing.  Some people may feel that this isn’t reality- that reality comes in the form of the bills that frequent your mailbox monthly.  That’s one way to look at it but it isn’t the only way.  You can choose to find another way to pay those bills.  You can choose to do it by doing work you enjoy.  And in making THAT choice, you can choose to be happier. 



Imagine that.  Actually having the choice to be happier about anything in your life.  Having a say in how this life thing goes.

If you want to grab the reigns, just do so.  This means taking a real look at the relationships in your life, the health that you’re in, the stress that you feel and what CAUSES that stress.  This means choosing to do something about that hamster-in-the-wheel feeling you get every morning.  This means daring yourself to dream, to look outside of the box because there just might be something for you there.  This means replacing can’t with how because once you grasp that there is ALWAYS a way to do something, you know that you’re already halfway there.

It takes courage to dare to live.  It’s can be as scary as it is exciting however as daunting as it might seem, learning to live a conscious life trumps resigning to live an unsatisfying one any day. 

You’re the author of the story of your life.  Grab the pen and make it great.

in life. 0 Comments

20DecGet a Grip On Your Anger

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Some people seem to undermine the entire concept of human decency. You might have witnessed such behavior before - blatant disregard for anyone and everyone. It’s unnerving, it’s maddening, and it just gets your blood boiling. Sometimes your reaction is more along the lines of rage and revenge. Even if you’re generally a nice person, something about “teaching them a lesson” is appealing when you entertain the thought.For the sake of your quest for self content - don’t.

I understand the appeal of righting a wrong that has been done to you. Whether it’s the betrayal from a loved one, or being victimized by a thief - somehow you might feel that through revenge, a power will be returned to you. A power stolen by the person who wronged you.

Take a look at this perspective for a moment.

The power that you seek to regain is in actuality the loss of control that you felt seep away upon the realization of this person’s actions. Big or small, what this person has done has not only hurt you, it made you feel “had” or “duped”. Perhaps that was their intention- but allowing the rage to consume you removes you from your ability to enjoy peace of mind and into a world consumed with anger and vengeful thinking. Despite what you might think, hurting someone back for something they have done to you will at best be a short lived, empty joy. The satisfaction that you might hope will rise out of your actions won’t be there. Even if you did pat yourself on the back for completing your mission, it won’t rectify the wrong done against you. How about in a situation like loss or death? Entities that you can’t “punish back”? It’s not about not feeling your anger; it’s about not allowing it to consume you.

In order for you to reach a point where you control your anger you must:

Take a Breather
When you’re at your wits end and your hand is now a fist, most likely it’s coupled up with a heart that’s beating a mile a minute and your blood is rushing in your fury. You need to regain control because the adrenaline is pumping and it’s ready for action. You need to slow your physical body down and in order to do that, you must stop. Stop and breathe deeply (this honestly works). A few long, slow, deep breaths will help you unwind. Using relaxation techniques like deep breathing and stretching arms you with a much more powerful and useful tool - the ability to think clearly. Controlling your thoughts and actions is much more empowering than blind rage.

Let It Out
Go do some pushups. You can’t do pushups? Maybe in this mode you can. Getting some physical activity in to work off some steam is an excellent way to release some of that energy that has you so amped up. Punching a bag may not solve your problems but it just may make you feel better.

Know What You’re Feeling
Taking a piano, an anvil, an elephant, AND a hippo and sitting them all on top of your hurt won’t spare you the effects. Sure, you can technically bottle it all up inside however the time to deal with your feelings will come - even at the most inappropriate times. Your feelings might manifest itself in your actions or your words. They don’t disappear. Acknowledging what you’re dealing with and perhaps getting the help you need if it just seems overwhelming isn’t weakness. It’s strength. Write it down, speak about it, no - don’t punch anyone in the face and if you end up doing so anyway- say you’re sorry. But feel out loud. It does wonders for the soul… AND your blood pressure.

Forgiveness
You might not always get an I’m sorry from the person who hurt you, or the thing that has brought you grief. In a perfect world, he-who-has-cut-in-front-of-you-in-line has the perfect Hallmark card AND a gift card. Unfortunately, this is not the perfect world and if your peace of mind lies in the hands of someone else, you might never get it back. The act of forgiveness is very powerful and freeing. To forgive is not synonymous to forget. You may never forget what he/she has done to you.. but to actually forgive is to release the reigns of resentment and bitterness. It is you literally making the choice to rise above the action and not allowing the resentment to dictate your actions any longer. This isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially if the action was particularly hurtful. The great thing about it is the bigger your heart must be in order to rise above the situation, the greater the strength you will gain.
More than anything, forgiveness is for you.

Take a look at your anger and see how it has held you back and prevented you from certain joys and from peace. Plotting against someone for hurting you only pushes you deeper into your anger and further away from the positive energy that you need for genuine happiness in your life. If you think about it, at that point you’re being robbed twice and it has the potential to multiply itself exponentially until your anger ultimately changes you as a person.

Don’t allow the negative things in life to take away the positive things available to you. Anger is part of human nature. But remember - it’s just a part. Don’t allow it to consume you.

Photo by:  Birta Ran

in happiness and life. 1 Comment

15DecBlack Light: Dealing With Criticism

 

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You’re basking in the sunny rays of self-kudos. You feel good because you had a great new idea. You decided to involve yourself in something completely new to you. So what if you’re a truck driver - you like to knit and gosh darn-it you’re doing to have the very best knitting class there is. That’s wonderful for you and you’re excitement propels you into the front lines of your new venture. And you keep feeling great until someone nearly blinds you with the Black Light. The Black Light would be the fine toothed combing of your every action, thought, and expressed notion highlighting your every error in all its brilliance. Get your umbrella out. All of a sudden someone decides to rain pour on your parade.
Hearing criticism is always a tough thing to deal with. Unless you are fortunate and are blessed with the useful gift of thick skin, critics can discourage you from pressing forward. That discouragement can ultimately unravel your plans and bench you and your potential indefinitely.
How about learning to utilize criticism to your advantage? And ultimately, if it really is useless to you, what can you do to release its iron grip on your will?

Constructive vs. Negative Criticism: There’s a Difference

It bites when you’re being told that you’re doing something wrong. But there is a difference between constructive criticism and negative criticism. Constructive criticism is meant to help you by pointing out weaknesses that you could afford to work on. It’s good for improvement and is helpful to you. Negative criticism is more destructive in nature. It comes like an attack and its sole purpose is to create conflict by being hurtful. Sometimes the person who does this is manipulative or is focused on getting attention. The ability to identify what’s constructive and what isn’t allows you to comb through the onslaught of commentary and harness it so that it serves a purpose useful to you rather than allowing it to hurt you.

Use Criticism as a Prompt to Review

Did someone point out something you didn’t want to hear but needed to? Let’s take it out of their ugly context for a minute (if they were a jerk about it, mentally flip them the bird and move on). Sometimes using someone else’s perspective on a situation helps you utilize your potential to a much fuller point. Think about it. Maybe they pointed out something you didn’t think about with the intention of discouraging you from forging on. Sometimes veterans of a field don’t always take kindly to newbies. It happens. However, perhaps they have the experience or a valid point that you need to consider. Take that and brainstorm your solution. Make it work. Using criticism to your advantage is a skill that can benefit you in the long run. Use it as a prompt to review your stance on that particular aspect. After all, if what you’re doing is something you really want to do, don’t you want to maximize your chances of success? That includes looking at it from all angles.

Don’t Try To Please Everyone

I’m sure you heard this before but I’m going to elaborate on it. You can’t please every single person who crosses your path. There will be those who think they can do better than you can, those who will pick a fight, people who are bored. Miserable. You have people who just won’t agree with you. If you were to alter your project with every comment or criticism made, the framework of your concept would inevitably disappear and you would have a shapeless pile of useless mush.

Hear No Evil. Speak No Evil

Baseless attacks, insults, negativity - it WILL get to you if you open the doors. Whenever possible, ignore those. Don’t waste your time and attack back - It’s a bottomless pit and will suck the life out of you and your optimism. Of course there’s a difference between standing up for yourself, and hurling mud at your opponent. Stick to your principles and make yourself clear. But if that includes shouting every explicative known to man back at a meanie, I suggest you pass.

The bottom line is you are bound to hear criticism at one point or another. It comes with the territory (of progress and success that is). The key is not allowing it and your hurt feelings to sway you reaching your goals. The only way you aren’t going to ruffle any feathers is by doing nothing at all. And really. Where’s the fun in that?

Photo by:  FredArmitage

in motivation and productivity. 2 Comments

12DecLike What You See New Year’s Day

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I’m going to go there and say that big Jan. 1 is looming in, bringing with it a ginormous shadow of self expectation.It’s exciting in a gut twisting, “I swear I will keep my New Year’s resolutions” sort of way.

Nice.

But let’s talk about resolving to resolute for a sec.  Of course you’re going to quit smoking, lose twenty pounds and become a super efficient wife/sister/daughter/employee/mom/this list goes on.  These are all admirable goals, and I’m sure you have plenty more where those came from.  But exactly how do you plan to pull this off? 


Whatever plan you have in place for your new, not so new venture, there is one thing that is guaranteed to pull the rug from under you before you even get your chance to shine.Not accepting the YOU that you are to begin with.Quite honestly, it will undermine everything that you’re going to try to do and to prove it, I ask you to think about the last time you tried to make a change.  It can be the same exact New Year’s resolution you have in mind as you read this.  If self loathing were the backbone of the positive change you were looking to make, you wouldn’t have this resolution to begin with.  Even if some anger with yourself were to fuel some action, it just won’t be enough to sustain it.  This is because the root of your change has to come from your desire to improve your life.  The root cannot be the very same despair that you wish to escape.  It’s a frustrating cycle if you sit and think about it.And I’m so sure that you’re not looking to ring in the February of your spanking new year ripping your hair out in defeat.So how exactly do you change perspective? Well;

 What Are Your Reasons For Wanting Change?

That’s right; you need to identify every nitty gritty private little detail.  Write it down and take a good look at your reasons.  Somewhere in that list, you ought to see a little something about it making you happy, or it satisfying you.  Without that reason in your list, you may have a little problem.  Just how long can you sustain a major life change without your own desire being invested in it?  That’s right; I am advocating a touch of selfishness.  Of course, this life change may benefit a loved one.  But you, yourself, should also be a loved one.  A loved one that you care to make happy. 

Who Are You Now?

Does this change have anything to do with wanting to change who you are as a person?  What is it that you’re looking to change then?  You need to know your values, your ideals, your buttons, and your abilities. 


You have to know you in order to do anything about you.  Have you ever told yourself you were going to do something different just about every time you remember?  So your best friend is the super organized type and you admire that. 
You want to be organized too and so you swear you’ll clean up the garage every time you pass it.  It’s not going to happen until you find a way that works for you.  In order for you to find what works for you, you need to know yourself enough to say “I don’t do label makers every Sunday but I DO like Ikea’s organizing system thing.  Maybe I can..”   When you find how to harness your personality, your like’s and dislike’s to your advantage, you will find that you’re in a very good place for YOU. But for that to happen, you do need to get to know yourself- just as you are.

What Are You Expecting?

I remember watching an awesome commercial (I really don’t remember what company it was for). In this commercial, an overweight man starts working out his very hardest I believe on a treadmill, gets off the treadmill, and gets on a scale and looks at it expectantly.  I thought that was hilarious because it reminded me of myself.  That’s right, I too peruse the world of imagining instant gratification.  However, I also know that mind frame just may be setting yourself up for super early frustration.  You need to take a look at whatever it is you’re going to work on or change, and be honest with yourself.  What is it that you’re expecting?  What happens if this expectation doesn’t come to pass as soon as you would hope, or not at all?  What does that mean for you?  You want to brace yourself for the possibilities so that you might have something to anchor you when you might feel like wavering from your promise to yourself.  Bracing yourself for the possibilities does not mean inducing anxiety, or becoming the official worry wart of the New Year.  It means going into your venture with a clue and a positive mind.  If you truly want it to happen for you, even if there are setbacks, then you’ll really make it happen for you. 

Accept Who You Are Now

The person that you are now will still be the person that will be Jan. 2nd.  You will still be in the same skin, walking in your own shoes.  Ultimately, regardless of what it is you are about to do, accepting who you are today will help you shape yourself to the optimal you of tomorrow.  It isn’t always a simple task for everyone because maybe your wish for change is a desperate one.  So look at it this way.  You are granting yourself the gift of a better you.  The you that you are now deserves to enjoy such a gift because you’re the only you you’ve got! 

Whatever your experiences may be, owning your own life and claiming your happiness is something you decide to do.  For yourself. 

Living this life to the fullest is you living a charmed life of your own standards.  So it’s ok to work towards that.   Try to work these suggestions into your frame of mind.  You ought to have yourself a Happy New Year :-) so get to it!

in happiness and motivation. 0 Comments

11Dec6 Tips on Scoring A Better Day

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…because we all can use a little pep in our step after falling into the monotony of daily living.  (am I right or am I right?)

I’ve gathered a couple of tips that I believe will increase the quality of your day.  Of course these are tried and true by yours truly but hey, feel free to try these out.  After all, the only thing you have to lose is a scowl.  :)   

Sleep Better the Night Before

No, it isn’t overrated.  In fact, it’s underrated.  We shave significant pieces off of our Zzz’s and wonder why it is we feel a secret urge to run people over in the morning.  (At least, as a New Yorker, I get that).  Not only does sleep do wonders for your look in the AM, it provides the rest you need in order to function efficiently the next day.  No matter what breed of superhero you are, without real rest, you won’t be able to focus as well as you could have.  Pay a little attention to what’s going on at night.  If you’re having trouble sleeping, investigate the causes behind it.  Distractions, stress, underlying health causes, silly boyfriend can’t stop with the 3 AM calls (I’m only sorta kidding) - try to find the culprit and work on making the necessary changes.  You’d be amazed what a little bit of real sleep can do for you.  

Decide To Have a Good Day

Yes, literally decide to have a good one.  Arming yourself with a can-do attitude enables you to see things that come up during the day as challenges, not as fate’s personal vendetta against you.  The power of positive thinking ought not be underestimated. 


You can end up feeling good that you found a solution for the obstacle that you were faced with OR you can just be super pissed that there was an obstacle to begin with.  What good does that contribute to your own personal mood?  You want to add good vibes, not take away.    

Give Yourself the Time You Need

Not every day you start will begin on the note you wished it did.  Sometimes, that note will definitely be off key.  On days like this, acknowledge the fact that you’re a little off, distracted, upset about something.  And with that acknowledgment comes giving yourself the time you need to complete certain tasks without beating yourself up for the mishaps.  Boss be damned (ok, not really, but lets keep going with the flow shall we?), try to get through it the best you can without contributing to angst.  Of course, you have responsibilities.  But if you don’t take care of you, you just may crash and burn and create an even bigger mess.  So if it means operating on 70% efficiency for a little bit, so be it.  No one will be none the wiser and it just may be what you need to feel better and get back into the full swing of things.   

Prioritize

You want a super quick way to send the smile you exchanged with that cute guy in the coffee shop down the drain?  Go into a heap load of things you have to do without taking a minute to figure out what must be done versus, well, everything else.  Sometimes, this is simply a matter of collecting your thoughts and jotting them done or maybe clearing your desk.  Regardless of what it is, identify what needs to be done and when.  That way, you can minimize the not-so-welcome surprises to the best of your ability.  Who need’s that kind of pressure anyway?  

DON’T Skip Me Time

Regardless of what you do for a living, Me Time is so crucial I would be doing you a great disservice if I were to skip it.  Me Time could be a quiet 30 minutes you steal from your morning or evening.  It can be the time you clock out from the world to gather your thoughts and focus on what makes you feel good.  Meditation, prayer, whatever it is you do - that Me Time is your time and you need it.  Starting a day with it can really help you center yourself and give you that positive frame of mind that’ll get you through the day.  Ending a day with it can really help you unwind, increase the quality in your sleep by loosening you up and letting the day-time drama fall to the way side.  Do what you enjoy.  Do what you need to for you.  But don’t you skip that Me Time.   

Give Yourself a Pat on the Back

A small personal victory just take place?  You like the way your hair looks today?  That piece of chocolate was just that good?  Give yourself the kudos.  This all contributes to a more pleasant flow in your thoughts which I’m sure are full of all that OTHER stuff anyway.  A better self esteem definitely does something for your day.  It doesn’t have to be a big deal to anyone but you.  But you know, be a little careful with the smug smile.  You don’t want anyone thinking you stole the cookie from the cookie jar. It’s definitely possible to have a good day just because you want one.  It’s also possible to make a day that isn’t so great not as bad as it could be.  These suggestions are tried and true.  Anyone have any more ideas?  I’m all ears :)                                                                                                                                     

in productivity. 6 Comments

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